Leningrad, USSR
1964
Eleven year old Sasha Petrov stood alone in the kitchen wearing his mother's
old apron, totally immersed in the process of whipping up a glorious creamy
dessert. The recipe, which for the time being Sasha had named 'Creamy
Cinnamon Delight' was an invention of his own, and this was his third
attempt at making it. The previous versions of Creamy Cinnamon Delight had
not been bad at all, but Sasha was always looking to improve his recipe and
make it taste even better. After whisking the mixture in the bowl until the
texture was thick like mousse, he dipped in a little spoon and tasted it.
Mmmmm, it tasted better, much better than last time! Sasha was very pleased
with himself, so pleased that he did a little dance around the kitchen for
half a minute before returning to the bowl to add the finishing touches.
Behind Sasha, his brother Yuri, two years younger, silently pushed the door
open and crept into the kitchen with a big grin on his face, a fine
sprinkling of snow on his hair, snow and mud on his boots and a small icicle
in his hand. The sweet scent of cinnamon drifted into Yuri's nostrils and
his mouth filled with saliva. Sasha had not noticed him yet, and began to
sing softly to himself. Yuri's smile flickered on his lips for a moment as
his conscience tugged at his heart, poor Sasha, it would be such a shock!
Maybe he shouldn't do it after all...
But at that moment, Sasha bent over, and Yuri could see Sasha's bare skin
showing in the gap between his trousers and his shirt. Yuri's grin returned.
He couldn't resist this opportunity! He had to hurry, the icicle was
melting. As quickly and quietly as he could manage, Yuri scampered across
the kitchen towards his brother. Just as he was almost there, Yuri's stomach
rumbled loudly. The lovely smell of Sasha's cooking had been too much for it
not to rumble! Yuri froze in his tracks, sure that Sasha had heard it. But
no, he was oblivious. Either he hadn't heard the rumble over the sound of
his singing, or he was away with the fairies again. Yuri took two steps
closer and dropped the icicle down the back of his brother's trousers.
Sasha leapt into the air with a high pitched shriek, nearly spilling the
precious contents of the bowl. He jumped around to face Yuri, who threw back
his head and roared with laughter. Yuri had an unusually deep and raucous
laugh for a boy his age.
"PWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Aah, AAH! What did you do?! What did you PUT in there?!" Sasha yelped,
still in shock.
Yuri wiped a tear from his eye.
"Just a little icicle... hahahaha, that was so FUNNY! You screamed like a
GIRL!"
Sasha glared at him crossly.
"It wasn't funny! It felt horrible, my pants are all wet now, it went right
down my bum! And I nearly spilled my Creamy Cinnamon Delight!"
"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Yuri leaned against a chair as he shook with laughter.
The kitchen door burst open and in ran 12 year old Natasha Katina and her 10
year old sister, Olga. The Katin family lived downstairs from the Petrovs in
the communal apartment, and the kitchen was shared.
"Sasha, what happened, we heard you scream!" Natasha gasped. Her bright blue
eyes narrowed as she caught sight of Yuri, who was still laughing.
"Yuri, what have you done this time?"
"He dropped an icicle down my pants," Sasha told her. "But never mind him,
come and taste my Creamy Cinnamon Delight, I just finished it. Then I'll put
it in the fridge and we can all eat it for dessert later," he smiled.
Natasha and Olga eagerly walked over to taste it.
"Mmmmmmm, it's even better than last time!" Natasha licked her lips.
"Yummmmm!" Olga agreed.
Yuri watched them, annoyed at being ignored.
"Look at you in Mama's apron, you scream like a girl and you look like one
too."
"What's wrong with being a girl?" Olga asked him crossly.
"There's nothing wrong with BEING a girl. But Sasha's a boy! He looks
silly."
Sasha opened his mouth to answer back, but Natasha beat him to it.
"Not as silly as you, talking rubbish. There's nothing wrong with Sasha! He
loves cooking and he can cook well, I bet you couldn't cook if you tried. I
prefer Sasha's company to yours any day!" She folded her arms across her
chest and tossed her head back proudly, her long black hair swishing down
her back.
Stung, Yuri stood there in silence, blushing and glaring at Sasha.
Sasha smiled. "Oh... come on Yuri, come and taste it too. I know you want
to."
"NO!" Yuri snapped crossly.
Sasha sighed. "You never appreciate my cooking. When you eat it, you bolt it
down your throat like a wolf, I don't think you even taste it properly.
You're so rough in everything you do."
Yuri narrowed his eyes. "Well at least I'm not a SISSY, and no one can
accuse ME of acting like a girl!"
Sasha looked at Natasha and Olga and giggled.
"Oh NO, certainly not. He eats so fast and he knows he gets terrible wind in
his stomach if he does that, but he doesn't care. He brags to the other boys
about how loud he can fart, it's awful sharing a room with him. He's always
waking me up in the night, it's like THUNDER-"
Sasha stuck out his tongue and blew a big raspberry to demonstrate.
Olga and Natasha shook with laughter, and Yuri's face went redder,
embarrassed at Sasha revealing this information in front of the girls.
"SHUT UP, SASHA! DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, HE'S LYING!"
"Sometimes we've heard noises from upstairs at night, now we know what it
is!" Olga giggled.
"Poor Sasha. Maybe you can sleep in our room tonight, hmmm?" Natasha
grinned.
"IT'S NOT TRUE!" Yuri protested.
"I'm sure it IS true, look how red his face is!" Natasha called out. She
held onto her sister as the kitchen echoed with high pitched female
laughter.
Furious, Yuri spun on his heel and stormed towards the door. When he reached
it, he turned around again.
"I heard Mama and Papa talking about you yesterday, Sasha, and Papa said
he's worried about you!" Yuri hissed, before slamming the door and running
downstairs.
Sasha stood there wide eyed, slightly taken aback.
"Papa's worried about me? What's he on about? Papa hasn't said anything to
me."
Olga creased her brows.
"I don't understand what he means."
Natasha gave Sasha a cuddle.
"Oh, don't worry about it, your brother's just shooting his mouth off as
usual. I don't think it means anything. Actually, if anything, I bet your
parents are worried about HIM, he's always doing stupid stunts trying to
show how tough he is and hurting himself."
"You're probably right," Sasha said, shuddering as he remembered the
incident a year ago when Yuri had tried to lift their father's kettle bell
and dropped it on his foot, breaking three toes. He remembered how Yuri
cried and sweated and trembled with pain as the family had waited for the
ambulance, and how he'd held Yuri's hand and stroked his hair as their
mother spoke to him soothingly, trying to give him some comfort. Yuri hadn't
minded Sasha being soft and 'girly' then, in fact the next day at the
hospital, after the operation, he'd happily told Sasha that he was like "a
second mother". Sasha sighed sadly. He loved his little brother, but he
wished Yuri wasn't so aggressive at times!
"What are you thinking about?" Natasha asked. "Come on, if your dad was
really worried about something, I'm sure he'd tell you himself."
Then they heard footsteps on the stairs and Viktor Katin, Natasha and Olga's
father, walked into the kitchen. Sasha liked Viktor Katin, he was a big,
cheerful man with a big moustache and a good sense of humour.
"Hello darlings... oh, Sasha, you've been making that creamy thing again, it
smells lovely!"
"I'm going to put it in the fridge and we can eat it after dinner," Sasha
said.
"We've tasted it already, Papa, and it's even better than his last one!"
Olga told him.
Viktor grinned, leaned over so that his head was level with Sasha's and
whispered in his ear.
"Oooooh, can I have a sneaky taste too?"
Sasha laughed "Of course!"
Viktor tasted it. "Mmmmmm, I think it's Sasha's best yet, girls!"
Sasha blushed proudly, he could tell by Viktor's tone of voice that he
really meant it.
"Where's your Mama, is she in?" Viktor asked.
"She should be back soon, she went to buy some vegetables. Papa's still at
work."
"By the way, when I was on my way up here, I saw little Yuri stomping down
the steps with a face like a tomato. When I asked him what was wrong, he
ignored me. Do you have any idea what he's upset about?" Viktor raised his
eyebrows.
Natasha stepped forward. "He was teasing Sasha about being 'girly' for
wearing an apron and loving cooking. We defended Sasha and Yuri got
annoyed."
"He teased Sasha for LOVING COOKING?" Viktor pulled a funny face, letting
his jaw drop open. "I can't believe it! Well, I know it's unusual for a boy
Sasha's age to take such an interest in the kitchen, but he is Raya
Petrova's son after all! If neither of Raya's children had taken up cooking,
it would be doing the world a disservice!" He ruffled Sasha's hair. "Ignore
whatever silly things anyone might say about boys cooking, I think it's
great that your mother has passed down her knowledge to you. You're very
talented already, and we all appreciate your cooking in this apartment!"
Sasha blushed pinker. "I'm really happy you like my cooking so much." The
nagging worries he was feeling about what Yuri had said quickly faded away.
Viktor stretched his arms above his head. "Well, I'd better go and get
changed. See you later."
"I'll wash up these things so Mama has space to make the dinner," Sasha
said.
"I'll help you, Sasha." Natasha walked over to the sink as Olga went
downstairs with her father.
"You know, you're not like other boys... there's something different about
you," Natasha said.
Sasha raised his head.
"Different? Not bad different I hope."
"No, good different. I can talk to you just like I can talk to other girls,
you're actually interested in what I want to talk about. You're more mature
than other boys your age."
Sasha smiled. "Well, those are good things then."
"When we're older... would you like to be my boyfriend?"
Sasha's eyes widened in surprise.
"I... I don't feel that way for girls yet. I have to say I've never really
thought about having a girlfriend." He looked at Natasha, hoping she wasn't
upset by his answer. She didn't look upset.
"I think you're very pretty, Tasha, and you're my best friend... but you
feel more like a sister to me right now," he added.
"It's OK, I wasn't asking you out right now!" Natasha smiled and put her
hand on his shoulder. "I don't feel ready to have a boyfriend yet either. I
was just thinking what it might be like to have a boyfriend who was like
you. Don't worry about it!" She laughed.
Sasha laughed too, relieved he hadn't hurt her feelings.
-----------------
Summer 1975
Outside the communal apartments, Yuri Petrov and his friends took turns
wrestling barefoot on the grass. It was a warm day by Russian standards, 18c
or so. Yuri was 20 years old, and had been back home for just over a week
now after completing his two years of Army training. He'd matured a lot
during that time. Although still a loud, over-excitable adrenaline junkie,
he was now a lot less clumsy and slightly wiser than he used to be. Yuri had
never been the brightest boy in the world, but generally, when he made
mistakes he learned from them. And Yuri had made plenty of mistakes in his
short lifetime. As his mother had once said, he was one of those people who
learned things the hard way.
Right now, Yuri was aware he might have bitten off more than he could chew
by taking on Mikhail, a young man a year older than him and a good few kilos
heavier. Yuri was a big lad himself, a little shorter than Sasha, but strong
with well-defined steely muscles and no excess fat. But up until now,
Mikhail's size had been giving him a definate advantage. Yuri was breathing
hard, his short hair wet and spiky with sweat, enjoying the challenge, but
at the same time feeling himself starting to tire and thinking as fast as he
could, trying to find the weakest point in Mikhail's resistance. Just in
time, Yuri found his opportunity as Mikhail lunged forward, trying to pull
him down. He would use his opponent's superior weight against him! To
Mikhail's surprise, Yuri yanked him in the same direction he was pulling.
Mikhail's balance faltered, and at that moment Yuri kicked his leg from
under him. The pair of them went flying. Mikhail fell on the grass with a
thump and Yuri, his gut releasing a long and extremely loud blast of wind,
fell on top of him and pinned him to the ground. The young men and boys
watching them roared with laughter.
The window of the Petrov's and Katin's kitchen flew open and Viktor Katin,
his moustache now grey, leaned out and shouted down to the crowd below.
"YURI PETROV, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, PUT YOURSELF INTO SPACE?!"
Yuri, now sitting astride Mikhail's back and using his legs to restrain and
lock the larger man's arms, looked up smiling, very satisfied with himself.
"Sorry Viktor!"
Raya Petrova joined Viktor at the window. She was an attractive woman with a
petite build, a slim oval face, full lips, a rosy complexion and big grey
eyes behind her thick-framed glasses (a style typical of the 70s). She wore
her long dark blonde hair in a thick plait down her back.
"Yuri darling, if you HAVE to do that, please can you try not to do it so
loud?" She called. "The whole of Leningrad can hear you and you'll ruin my
reputation as a cook, everyone will think my food induces flatulence," she
laughed.
"Sorry Mama, I'll try to keep it down," Yuri called back. Then he brushed
off his palms and turned to his friends with a big grin.
"OK, who's next?"
Raya closed the window and went back to the table where she was preparing a
salad for lunch.
"Oh dear, oh dear," Viktor chuckled. "Goodbye, any peace and quiet!"
Raya giggled. "In an odd way, it's nice to hear those noises again. I've
missed my boy and it's wonderful to have him back home."
"Awwww, of course it is. I'm still getting used to Natasha living away. They
grow up so fast, don't they? Oh, I haven't told you... Natasha and Leon are
coming to visit next weekend."
"Oh, that's great!" Raya said as Sasha walked into the kitchen.
"Hello Sasha darling, did you hear that? Natasha and Leon are coming round
next weekend."
Sasha's face lit up. "Oh! How LOVELY!"
Sasha missed Natasha too. Three months ago she had got married and moved
into a new apartment with her husband. She and Sasha were still very good
friends, indeed Natasha was one of the few people who knew Sasha's secret,
the first one he had ever told it to: he had never grown to feel 'that' way
for girls. He only felt 'that' way for other young men.
It was hard for Sasha living with his secret. He had been raised to share
everything he had, and he didn't like keeping secrets to himself either. But
for the time being he felt it was best not to let his family know that he
was a homosexual. Although he felt there was a strong possibility that his
mother already knew- she had once brought up the subject of homosexuality
when the two of them talked alone, but she had never asked him outright.
Sasha remembered that conversation years ago very well. He had been 16 at
the time. Earlier that day, Yuri had been talking about a girl at school who
was very masculine in her physical appearance and the way she carried
herself, and how there had been rumours about her going around at the
school. Yuri had said he thought this girl was weird. But Raya had told him
that there were some people who were born a certain way, and that although
many people disapproved of them or tried to ignore their existence, Raya
herself felt no malice for them. After all, they were not hurting anyone
else.
Anyway, later that evening, Sasha had mentioned the subject again, and his
mother had sat him down in the kitchen with the door closed and told him
that her grandfather, back at the time of the Revolution, had a friend who
was one of these men who were 'different'. This man had been a Bolshevik
revolutionary and was regarded as a hero by most of the people who knew him,
he was strong and brave and honest, Raya said, and the only 'unusual' thing
about him was that he'd had relationships with other men. Raya had also told
Sasha that when the Bolsheviks came to power, they had abolished all the
Tsarist laws which condemned homosexuals to persecution and death. It had
only been in the 1930s, years after Lenin's death, that the Soviet
Government had introduced new laws making homosexual acts illegal. Most
people didn't understand homosexuality, Raya had said sadly, and so they
feared what they did not understand. But she was convinced that
homosexuality was natural and harmless, there had always been people who
were that way since humanity began. Even some members of the royal family
had been that way, Raya said, and they had dressed as the opposite sex at
their decadent parties while the laws condemned any ordinary Russian who had
dared to try the same thing, how hypocritical! Raya told Sasha that she
hoped one day people would understand and accept gay people, but the look on
her face when she had said it wasn't exactly optimistic. Finally, she told
Sasha not to mention this conversation to his father.
"If you told him, I would never hear the end of it... because I'm afraid
your father is one of those people who fears what he doesn't understand."
Poor Sasha's throat had felt tight hearing those words, his heart had
thumped and his belly had ached! He had never been particularly close to his
father as a child, but the possibility that Papa might hate him if he found
out his secret was a terrible, frightening thought. But Sasha was very glad
that he and his mother had had that discussion, because then he was sure
that at least SHE would still love him, and also, hearing what his mother
had told him had, for the first time, made him feel that his feelings
towards other boys were natural, that he was not abnormal or a pervert, and
losing those feelings of guilt had taken an immense weight off his
shoulders.
But it was still hard hiding his secret. It made him feel dishonest. And
several times during his late teens, when Sasha walked down Nevsky Prospekt
and saw men and women engaged in displays of public affection, kissing and
cuddling and holding hands, part of him felt so sad that he was this way. If
only he could do the same things as those people, but with another man! To
hold hands and kiss and cuddle him... if only the world was different! More
than once, Sasha had looked up into the eyes of a statue of Lenin and
wondered if things might have been better if he'd lived a little longer. If
only that statue could speak and tell everyone that there had been a
terrible mistake! And then hot tears would well in Sasha's eyes, before he
quickly wiped them away before anyone noticed.
Sasha had hated having to do his two years compulsory Army training at 18
years old. He'd wished that Yuri, who had actually wanted to do it, could
have gone in his place, Yuri would probably have been happy to do it twice
over! It wasn't so much a problem for Sasha that it was physically hard
work, as he was already agile and fit (his second passion in life, after
cooking, was ice skating, which he did as often as he could) and he wasn't
small or weak either. It was the roughness, the harshness, the aggression
that he hated. Being a soldier seemed alien to his nature, he just felt
absolutely no desire to do any kind of fighting. Once those two years were
over, Sasha quickly put every memory of that time out of his mind.
Every memory, except the ones of Vanya. Those moments would remain very,
very special. Vanya had been Sasha's first lover, and the relationship had
actually made his time in the Army bearable, and at times actually pleasant!
As long as he lived, Sasha would never, ever forget that beautiful moment
when he'd discovered that Vanya was another man who was "that way", and that
Vanya felt "that way" for HIM!
The two of them had found themselves alone for the first time, walking
together through the wilderness in a biting cold, icy breeze. Vanya, the
older and bigger of the two of them, was walking slightly ahead of Sasha,
and as Sasha's teeth chattered, his eyes wandered longingly down Vanya's
broad, straight back, admiring the curve of his buttocks under his long
thick coat. Vanya had AMAZING gluteal muscles, almost like a shire horse. He
was one of those men who actually looked like the men portrayed in that
familar drawing style of Soviet poster artists (back at the apartment, Sasha
had a secret stash of these drawings hidden under the carpet under his bed).
Vanya also had a lovely deep, manly voice, and whenever Sasha heard him sing
in the showers at the barracks, it made him want to melt!
They were halfway to their destination when Vanya nodded towards a small
disused shed in the middle of the woods, and suggested they stopped for a
short rest. Sasha followed him inside gratefully.
After a minute, Sasha spoke up.
"It's good to have some shelter from the wind... but there's no heat in
here. I'm still shivering."
Vanya had turned his head, and for a split second Sasha regretted his words,
expecting Vanya to reply that he was just as cold as Sasha was and that
Sasha shouldn't moan about it. But instead, Vanya turned to him with a broad
smile and inviting eyes.
"Well, comrade, I have two suggestions. Either we each do 100
starjumps... or we could snuggle together for warmth."
Sasha's heart had LEAPT for joy!
Vanya and Sasha snuggled, and it was good. They kissed passionately. The
temperature in the shed ceased to be an issue. Vanya ran his hand up the
back of Sasha's neck, knocking his Army issue black furry hat to the ground,
and stroking his hair against the direction it grew, making his skin tingle.
Vanya confessed to Sasha that he had desired this to happen for a long time.
He asked Sasha if he had ever been with another man before and Sasha had
said no, this was his first time.
"Are you afraid?"
"I...I worry it will hurt... but I want you to do it Vanya, I want you to be
my first."
"In that case... I'll be very gentle, my sweet Sasha."
Sex wasn't as painful as Sasha had feared, probably because Vanya had taken
the time to encourage Sasha's muscles to relax, and a tube of thick, greasy
balm designed to protect the skin from the elements also came in useful.
Sasha was quite sore for a day or so afterwards, but his happiness was a
thousand times greater than his discomfort when sitting down. And after the
next couple of encounters with Vanya, there was no pain at all. Only
pleasure...
Standing in the kitchen chopping lettuce, Sasha's mind was miles away,
reminiscing about his time with Vanya. He smiled and sighed wistfully.
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm..."
Suddenly his father's voice came from behind him, almost making him jump.
"Heh heh. I think I know what you're thinking about, Sasha!"
Oooh, what a fright! Sasha thought. And I really, REALLY hope he DEFINATELY
doesn't know what I was thinking about!!
"Oh, you startled me, Papa." Sasha laughed softly, innocently.
Sergei Petrov raised one eyebrow.
"Did I? I've been standing here for the past two minutes, I thought you
heard me come in."
"Oh! Sorry, I was just daydreaming. I'm terrible like that, aren't I?" Sasha
laughed, hoping he didn't sound nervous.
Sergei smiled. "Well, I can't really blame you. You're expecting a lady
friend today, aren't you?"
"Er, yes! I invited my friend Lena from the restaurant to lunch today. I
hope she enjoys it," Sasha smiled back at his father.
"I'm sure she will!" Sergei laughed and winked, patting his son heartily on
the back. "I look forward to meeting her."
Sergei walked over to the table to talk to his wife. Behind him, Sasha bit
his lip anxiously. Oh NO! He knew what his father was thinking, his father
was thinking that Lena was a potential girlfriend. Aaaagh, why did life have
to be so complicated? Well, Lena was a very good friend, and knew Sasha's
secret, and didn't have a boyfriend at the moment, so maybe she'd agree to
be an 'acting' girlfriend for him.
Sasha didn't like decieving his family, but he also didn't want his father
or his brother to be suspicious. Sasha had done this trick three times
before with close female friends (virtually all Sasha's friends were women)
who knew he was gay, but were single and were happy for a while to be seen
in public with Sasha acting as his 'girlfriend'. Of course, Sasha's previous
'girlfriends' eventually found real boyfriends, and had to finish their
'relationships' with Sasha. Each time this happened, Sasha's father would
look dismayed, and say that he wished that one day, Sasha would find a good
woman who would stay faithful!
Meanwhile, outside on the grass, things were getting tough for Yuri. Mikhail
had insisted on a rematch, and this time he was proving to be a smarter
opponent than Yuri had first expected. Now every time Yuri tried to pull him
off balance, Mikhail quickly moved his feet to regain it. And Yuri was now
really, really tired. Sweat blurred his vision and his breathing was ragged.
His arm muscles felt sore, like a lot of tight, tender, narrow ropes on his
bones. He could tell he would barely be able to move them tomorrow.
When Mikhail finally toppled him, Yuri was gasping for air, and had no time
to exhale before he hit the ground and Mikhail landed hard on his chest,
winding him agonisingly. Yuri writhed on the ground under Mikhail's weight,
unable to speak, his face contorted with pain. To his horror, he felt tears
running from his eyes, no, NO! This was a nightmare, he couldn't let them
see him like this, it was humiliation on top of defeat! Around him, he heard
the concerned voices of his friends.
"Mikhail, let him up!"
"Bloody hell!"
"Shit, is he OK?"
Mikhail clambered off Yuri and grabbed his arms, pulling him up into a
sitting position.
Yuri finally found his voice.
"It's nothing... just winded me... couldn't breathe."
"Yuri-"
"I said it's NOTHING!" Yuri snapped angrily, hoping the horrible burning
sensation in his lungs would fade away soon. He sniffed hard and wiped his
face.
"f***ing hayfever making my eyes run!"
After blinking a few times, Yuri noticed an unfamiliar face among the crowd
surrounding him. A young, extremely pretty female face-
Yuri had to blink a few more times. Wow, she was GORGEOUS! Small and
slender, with smooth pale skin without makeup and beautiful dark eyes. Her
eyelashes were long and black, her eyebrows were dark too, but her hair, in
contrast, was silvery blonde and thick and soft looking, and it was loose
down her back, nearly reaching her lean waist. Her breasts were medium sized
and round (Yuri's preferred shape) and her lips were plump and deep pink.
She was the most lovely looking woman Yuri had seen in his life. Why did she
have to appear at this moment, he thought, why couldn't she have turned up
earlier when I was doing so well? Here I'm sitting, beaten, snotty-nosed,
runny eyed, sweaty and smelly, and she's all clean and sweet and feminine!
The girl was talking to one of his friends, Andrei, but Yuri couldn't catch
what she was saying. But then he heard Andrei say "I think he'll be OK,
Lena. But I think he should sit off and rest for a while."
Yuri blushed. The lovely woman, Lena, had been asking about HIM!
"Come on Yuri, let's sit down for a bit," Andrei called. Yuri staggered to
his feet and went over to where he and Lena were standing. He couldn't take
his eyes off her.
"Hi," Yuri grinned awkwardly. "I haven't seen you before, do you live around
here?"
"Not far, just two blocks from here," the girl answered. Oh, she had a cute
voice too, high pitched and almost cheeky, and her dark eyes twinkled up at
Yuri like an inquisitive kitten's. "I came here to see one of my friends, I
often come and watch the guys wrestling here at the weekend. But I haven't
seen you before either."
"Ah, I understand now," Yuri smiled. "I live in the apartment just up
there," he gestured with his hand, "but I've been away doing my Army
training. I only came home last week."
Lena's eyes followed Yuri's hand and then she looked back at him, her eyes
widening.
"Are you Yuri Petrov?"
"I am! How did you guess?" Yuri beamed.
"Well, I know your brother, Sasha. He's the friend I came here to see, he
invited me round for lunch. He told me a bit about you. I'm Lena Safanova, I
work in the restaurant with Sasha."
Now Yuri's eyes widened, he was not so pleased to hear this! Why did Sasha
have to be chummy with half the girls in the city?! Oh no, she wasn't
interested in Sasha, was she?! And what had Sasha told her about him?! He'd
better not have mentioned the farting, or he'd be very sorry!
But wait, Lena was taking a good look at him now, really studying his
features. Grinning shyly, Yuri hoped she was liking what she saw.
"I can see some resemblence to Sasha there," Lena smiled. Yuri's heart sank,
ugh, she wasn't interested in him at all, she was just comparing him with
soft bloody Sasha! It was so unfair!
"But," Lena continued, "at the same time, you and him look completely
different. You have the same colouring, your complexion and your eyes and
hair. But that's about it. He has a round face, but your face is more
angular, more square-"
Square?! Yuri thought.
"-MUCH more masculine, and your jaw is more defined." Lena finished her
sentence. Yuri's hopes rose, and he grinned more broadly now, quite proud.
Andrei laughed. "Lena! You always think out loud!"
Lena giggled and blushed a little. "I'm just honest!"
Actually, Lena did find Yuri handsome, and it fascinated her how different
he looked from Sasha. She noticed the texture of his hair was different too,
coarser. His eyebrows were thicker. And that grin was nothing like Sasha's,
Yuri's lips were thinner, and- Lena was an artist in her spare time and
noticed distinctive and quirky details in people's features- the left corner
of Yuri's mouth pointed downwards when he grinned, while the right corner
pointed upwards. Lena thought that was quite cute. And as they chatted, her
eyes caught sight of the three slightly crooked toes on Yuri's right foot,
marked with big white scars, the result of his childhood kettlebell
accident. Sasha had told her about that. Yuri's toes worked perfectly,
bending in the right places as he walked, and gave him no problems, but they
had just healed in a slightly wonky shape.
Lena asked Yuri if she could feel his scars, and she stroked them ever so
tenderly with her fingertips, sympathising with his suffering and injuries
and sacrifices in the struggle to become a stronger man. Yuri was very
touched, and he blushed like crazy.
Then Lena realised she had lost track of the time.
"Oh, I'd better go in now, Sasha told me to come at 12.30," she said. "But I
suppose you'll be coming in to join us too."
"Yes, I will," Yuri replied. "But of course I'll need to dash into the
bathroom to shower before I eat", he laughed. And to try to tidy up my hair
and release the gas I've been holding in while I've been talking to you, he
thought. And they walked up to the apartment together, followed by the
jealous gazes of several of the other men, including Mikhail.
Lunch was an interesting experience for everyone involved. Viktor, his wife
Irina, and Olga sat together at one side of the table next to Sasha,
smiling, winking and trying not to burst out laughing at the sight of Yuri
eating unusually slowly and neatly, and obviously completely starry-eyed
over Lena, who was sitting next to him on the opposite side of the table
(her seat was opposite Sasha's). Lena was telling them the story of her
grandfather on her mother's side, who had fought on the Communist side in
the Spanish Civil War (Lena was a quarter Spanish, that was where she got
those dark eyes from). Meanwhile, Sergei was looking at Sasha in a puzzled
way, didn't he mind his brother flirting with his love interest like this?
What was wrong with that boy?! On the other hand, though Sergei would never
admit it out loud, Yuri WAS his favourite son, and if the young lady
preferred Yuri, then good for her, he thought, she's chosen the real man of
the two. But he would have expected Sasha to look a bit more annoyed and
disappointed! Sasha did look a bit uncomfortable, mainly because he WAS
uncomfortable, not knowing what he should do! And Raya, though she was
clearly pleased to see Yuri looking so happy, was very confused by the looks
being exchanged between Sasha and her husband!
When lunch was over and Lena had left, Sasha quickly helped his mother clear
the plates away, hoping to sneak off somewhere alone to have a good think.
He was sure his father would have questions for him later, and Sasha wanted
time to prepare some convincing answers. But before he could go anywhere,
Yuri grabbed his arm.
"Sasha, you and I need to talk in our room, in private!"
Aaaaagh! Sasha felt frustrated and slightly irritated.
"Can you leave it a little while? I have a headache, I wanted to go outside
for some fresh air."
"Fine, let's talk outside then," Yuri answered impatiently. "It's
important!"
Sasha sighed crossly, exhaling loudly though his nostrils. Oh well, he
thought, at least this gives me an excuse to avoid Papa for a short time.
"What are you so grumpy about? Hmmm, I think maybe I can guess! Just come
ON!" Yuri said, leading the way to the door.
After they had gone, Viktor Katin stroked his chin thoughtfully.
"Oooooh, a PRIVATE conversation! I hope they're not going to fight over the
girl," he whispered to Irina while Sergei's back was turned. Sergei was
looking out of the window, watching his sons walking together and wishing he
could take the form of a little bird on a nearby tree branch and listen to
what was being said!
When he and Sasha were 10 metres down the road, Yuri spoke up.
"Right, I need to know the answer to this question, and I want you to
promise me you'll tell me the truth."
Yuri's tone of voice was low and serious. Sasha felt himself starting to
sweat. He had thought Yuri wanted to talk about Lena, but maybe he was
wrong! Maybe Yuri was going to ask him something else... a question Sasha
did NOT want him to ask! Sasha was afraid. He didn't want to give a
dishonest answer, but he had no idea how his brother would react if he knew
the truth, maybe he would never see him the same way again, not for the rest
of their lives!
Yuri raised his eyebrows. "Are you feeling OK, Sasha? You've gone pale,
you're not coming down with something are you? Oh shit, I'm sorry, I know it
was selfish of me dragging you off when you said you had a headache-"
"I'm fine, I'm fine," Sasha answered shakily. "But let's stop walking for a
bit."
"Sure." Sasha leaned against a wall, breathing quite quickly, while Yuri
watched him, concerned, and fanned air towards Sasha's face with his hands.
But in a few moments the colour returned to Sasha's cheeks and he was able
to compose himself.
"I'm sorry... what was the question you wanted to ask me?"
"I'm sure you know... it's about Lena," Yuri told him.
Relief flooded through Sasha's whole system and he stood up straighter, a
little laugh escaping his throat.
"Now, you have to tell me the honest truth... are you interested in her? You
and her must already be quite close if she was so keen to come alone to see
you for lunch," Yuri said, his tone suspicious.
"Oh, oh no, I can promise you I don't fancy Lena!" Sasha smiled. "We're VERY
good friends, but that's all. I think Papa must have assumed there was more
to it, but I didn't get time to explain it properly to him. Anyway Yuri, I
think Lena really likes you, so even if I HAD fancied her, I know I wouldn't
have had a chance."
Yuri looked as if he wasn't 100% convinced. Then a long string of words
tumbled out of his mouth with increasing speed and emotion, taking Sasha
completely by surprise.
"Are you SURE you have NEVER been interested? I mean Lena is probably the
most gorgeous woman ever to have lived, she's sweeter than ten tonnes of
Cuban sugar! I don't know how any normal man could NOT be interested in her,
and you see her at work every working day, and I KNOW what you're like,
Sasha, girls come to you so easily, you really have a talent for talking to
them and keeping them interested, and deep down I KNOW you're the better
looking brother! I admit it, I've been jealous of you for years!"
Yuri cast his eyes away from Sasha sheepishly, blushing. Sasha stood there
wide-eyed, shocked at Yuri's sudden admission, he never knew his brother
felt like that! Poor Yuri, putting on a hard, brave face in front of
everyone, but feeling insecure underneath, and not telling it to anyone!
"Yuri," Sasha said softly, touching his brother's shoulder. "You're not
doing yourself justice. Can't you see that Lena likes YOU? Listen, today she
was only interested in talking to you, me and her barely exchanged a word!
It's true I find it easy to talk to girls, but really, the majority of those
girls aren't interested in having me as a boyfriend because I'm not their
type, I'm too soft for them. We just get on well as friends because, as you
have always told me, my interests are a bit girly."
He paused before continuing. "Of course I thought Lena was very attractive
the first time I saw her, but I soon realised she wasn't interested in a
sissy like me, and I knew there was no possibility she'd want to be my
girlfriend. You're her type, I'm not, and I'm very happy you two obviously
like each other, because I really want both of you to be happy!"
Yuri started to grin, and a joyful radiance came into his eyes.
"Thank you, Sasha. I'm sorry for being so silly," he laughed, and all of a
sudden he wrapped his arms around his brother and squeezed him tight in a
big bear hug.
"You're so good to me! I know I've been a rotten brother sometimes,
especially when we were kids and I'd call you names and force you to wrestle
with me. I hope one day you can forgive me for all the shit I've given you!"
His head on Yuri's shoulder, little tears brimmed in Sasha's eyes.
"I forgave you a long time ago. I missed you while you were away. Just
remember I'll always love you, and you can talk to me about anything you
want!"
"Awwww, I love you too, Sasha!" Yuri squeezed him again.
Just then, they noticed a pair of old women staring at them.
"It's not what you think, he's my brother! we're not...you know!" Yuri
called out, laughing.
The old women chuckled and continued on their way.
---------------------
Summer 1975
Two months later
Sasha sighed and rolled over in bed, turning his back on the sunlight
streaming through the bedroom window, and pulled the covers over his head.
Normally he liked to rise early in the mornings, including at the weekends,
but this particular morning Sasha was feeling blue. A few minutes earlier,
he'd been enjoying a rare and beautiful dream about his first boyfriend,
Ivan 'Vanya' Konchalovsky. But unfortunately, as soon as the dream had
reached it's happiest, most vivid moment, Sasha had been very rudely
awakened by the peace-shattering roar of his brother's flatulence.
Now that Yuri had got up and left the room, Sasha was trying to fall asleep
again and hopefully maybe manage to return to his dream, but he was finding
it very difficult, because he was now fully conscious and reality had
resumed. And in reality, Sasha thought, Vanya has probably forgotten me. The
pain of that thought made him feel wider awake and more sorry for himself by
the second. Finally, with an angry sigh, he threw back the covers and pulled
himself out of bed.
At that moment, he heard Yuri start to sing one of his army songs in the
shower.
"Polyushko-pole, polyushko, shiroko pole,
edut po polyu geroi-ii-ii-ii,
eh, da krasnoj armii geroi-ii..."
(Field, my field, my wide field,
The heroes ride over the field,
hey, the heroes of the Red Army...)
Sasha bit his lip. Yuri wasn't a bad singer, and normally Sasha didn't mind
hearing him sing, but now, hearing it this morning, it only reminded him of
how Vanya sang in the showers at the barracks all that time ago. Not that
Sasha had ever forgotten it, of course...
"Devushki plachut,
devushkam sevodnya grustno,
milyj nadolgo uehal,
eh, da milyj v armiyu uehal..."
(The girls are crying,
the girls are sorrowful today,
their sweethearts went away for a long time,
hey, their sweethearts went away to the army...)
I'm sorrowful today, Sasha thought. My sweetheart went away to continue
serving in the army. And this year he didn't even send me a birthday card...
"Devushki, glyan'te,
glyan'te na dorogu nashu-"
(You girls, cast a glance,
cast a glance in our direction-)
"Yuri, hurry up!" Sergei Petrov's voice cut his son's singing short. "You
can have a quick shower in half the time it takes you to sing the whole
thing. You spend far too long in the bathroom these days, you're getting
worse than your brother!"
"Coming, Papa! Sorry, Papa."
Then Sasha heard Viktor's voice.
"Awww Sergei, I was enjoying that. Your lad's got a decent singing voice."
"Yes he has, but he's keeping me waiting. He can sing while he's getting
dressed."
Sasha heard the bathroom door open as Yuri came out, then heard it close
again as their father went in. Seconds later, naked except for a towel
around his waist, Yuri strode into the bedroom, taking a deep breath before
opening his mouth to resume the song again. But at that moment he noticed
Sasha's sad expression.
"Hey, what's the matter, Sasha?"
Sasha quickly forced a smile.
"Oh, nothing, nothing."
Yuri raised an eyebrow.
"You looked like you were brooding about something. Hey, were you having a
bad dream earlier? You were making some strange noises in your sleep."
Sasha raised his head.
"NO, in fact I was having a very NICE dream, before YOU farted and woke me
up!"
Oops, Sasha thought. His words had escaped in a much more defensive tone
than he had intended, and he saw Yuri's eyes widen slightly.
"Aww, I'm sorry Sasha, I couldn't help it. I was only half awake myself, and
at first I thought you were awake first anyway, because you were making
those noises-"
Sasha creased his brow. Oh no, he hadn't been talking about Vanya in his
sleep, had he?
"What noises?"
"Funny noises." Yuri closed his eyes, pulled a face and imitated what he had
heard in Sasha's voice.
"OHHHHHHH. Ahhhh. MMMMMMM!"
Sasha blushed hot.
"Was I REALLY?" he asked innocently.
"Yes, you were. Oh!" Yuri grinned, noticing Sasha's red cheeks.
"You're blushing! I get it now! You were dreaming about some GIRL, and I
interrupted it! Hahahaha... oh shit, sorry Sasha. I'm such an oaf!"
Sasha sighed. "Well, I suppose there's no use me denying it. I did have a
dream about one of my exes, and it made me remember how much I miss her.
That's why I'm in a funny mood."
"Oh." Yuri's smile faded and a slightly guilty look came into his eyes. Poor
Sasha! He'd always been so good at attracting women, and his relationships
had always appeared to be going well while he'd been with each of his
girlfriends, but for some reason that Yuri couldn't fathom at all, every one
of them had left Sasha for someone else.
"Who was it? Aliusha?"
"Yes, it was her," Sasha replied, thinking quickly. "But I know it's silly
me getting nostalgic about her, there's no point, is there? Anyway, I'm sure
I'll forget all about it once I've showered and dressed and eaten a good
breakfast."
Yuri quickly ran the towel over his body, mopping up the remaining drops of
water from his skin before rubbing it over his hair. Then he went over to
the chest of drawers and took out a vest and underpants. As he pulled them
on, he thought of what he could say to try to make Sasha feel better. Yuri
certainly didn't consider himself an expert on relationships, or how the
minds of women worked, but since he had met Lena Safanova, he felt he'd
learned at least one important lesson.
"You know... maybe it's a good thing that you broke up with Aliusha, in the
long term I mean. You just can't see it that way now because you still have
feelings for her. Do you remember how crazy I used to be over Oksana?"
Sasha gave a little smile. "How could I forget?"
"Well, I'll admit something to you now, Sasha... after I went to the army,
and after just one month I got that letter from her telling me how she'd
found someone else, I tell you, I was so upset I almost cri- er, I mean, I
almost wanted to cry. At the time, I felt as if I loved her so intensely,
her being the first girl I'd become serious with, you know how it is."
"Yes, I do," Sasha said. I know how I felt about the one who took my
virginity too, he thought. Just as intensely as you felt about Oksana. I may
never have touched a naked woman in my life, I may lie to you when I say
"her" instead of "him", but my feelings of love are equally as real as
yours.
"As time went on, I felt less upset about it," Yuri continued, "but it
wasn't until I fell in love with Lena that I realised that really, Oksana
hadn't been the right woman for me at all. She'd just been the first one I'd
had deep feelings for. I reckon I was just young and stupid back then. I
look back at 18 year old Yuri now and think, what a silly little boy!"
Sasha giggled.
"So now," Yuri concluded with a smile, "I'm very glad that Oksana didn't
wait for me. Lena is a better woman and a better person in every way. I know
it's only been two months, but already being with Lena has made me feel
happier than I've ever been, and she's taught me things about myself I'd
never realised before. I swear, Sasha, I think Lena is wife material!"
"I agree," Sasha said with a grin. "She even puts up with your farting, so I
think you should book your wedding right now!"
Yuri lunged at Sasha, grabbed him and pinned him down on his bed.
"Hahahaha, you cheeky bugger! But I'm pleased I made you smile."
Raya Petrova knocked on the door.
"Boys, don't you want breakfast?"
Yuri leapt up. "Oh, I do, I do!"
"Morning Mama, I'll be there in a minute," Sasha called.
Yuri grabbed his trousers off a chair and pulled them on, while Sasha put on
his dressing gown, then the two of them hurried to the kitchen. Viktor,
Irina and Olga were already sat at the table and eating.
"Just think," Yuri said to Sasha as they took their seats, "it's harder for
the women in our country than it is for us men. The women outnumber us, so
some of them won't manage to get a boyfriend. In China they have the
opposite problem, can you imagine how it is for the Chinese men? Be glad
you're a Russian guy. You'll find a woman who's right for you eventually, I
know it."
This thought didn't make Sasha feel any better about his situation, though
of course he felt sorry for the Russian women and the Chinese men who
wouldn't find a partner. But he made sure he kept the smile on his face as
he saw his father enter the kitchen.
----
"I know I'm probably just being silly," Sasha said to Lena as they sat on
the grass watching Yuri and the other men wrestling. With the sound of the
shouting and cheering, and speaking quietly a safe distance away, Sasha
didn't have to worry about anyone overhearing.
"Me and Vanya both knew that once I went home we'd have to say goodbye. I
didn't have any illusions about it. I knew he'd have other men after me, and
then when I came home and started seeing Dmitri, I didn't let my memories of
Vanya get in the way. But after it didn't work out with Dmitri, ever since
then, I keep thinking about Vanya, two years later. I can't help fantasising
about how things might have been with me and him, if the world was
different. Do you think I'm mad, Lena?"
Lena looked deep in thought for about 10 seconds, then answered.
"For what my opinion is worth, no I don't. I know you never felt as strongly
for Dmitri as you did for Vanya, from what you told me about Vanya anyway.
And Vanya gave you love and comfort at a time when you badly needed it, so
it's no wonder you still think about him."
Sasha sighed. "I wonder whether I'll ever meet a guy as nice as him again."
Lena looked at Sasha, her dark eyes full of sympathy.
"I can understand you thinking that, because you haven't yet met any man
you've loved more than him. And he was your first lover too. Look, I don't
think I'm the best person to give advice about relationships, and I've only
had two serious boyfriends myself, including Yuri. But I think it must be
natural for people to compare their lovers with their first one, whether
their first lover was good or not."
Sasha always appreciated Lena's opinions, mostly because she was always so
honest, speaking the truth even if it wasn't what you wanted to hear. She
was young, only 19, but to Sasha she seemed to have more knowledge of life
than most other girls her age. She may have had only two boyfriends, but she
had experienced a lot.
Lena's first boyfriend, Maxim, had not been good for her. The only positive
thing Lena said she had got from her time with him was that she would learn
from her mistakes and know how to not repeat them. And it was only after
Lena and Maxim had split up that Lena, on her 18th birthday, had discovered
she was pregnant. It had been Sasha's shoulder she cried on when she found
out, and it was Sasha who had accompanied her to the hospital when she went
for the abortion. It was Sasha who gave her comfort in the months
afterwards, and she considered him her best friend.
After about a minute's silent thought, Sasha spoke again.
"I think Vanya was special, and I know I'll have to search for a long time
before I find someone with that kind of magic again. But maybe you're
right.. and maybe I think about Vanya in an idealistic way. Like you said,
he gave me love at a time when I really needed it, in the middle of all
that... that ROUGHNESS. For me it was such a beautiful surprise, the way
everything happened, and I still treasure every moment."
Sasha cast his gaze down to the grass sadly.
"But at the end of the day, I know I wasn't as special to him as he was to
me, because if I was, he'd wouldn't have ended it, we would have found a way
to stay together. I mean, he does get leave, it's not as if we couldn't ever
meet again. But he thought it was "better for both of us". And now it's been
four months since he last wrote. Obviously he must have found someone much
better than me, and doesn't even think about me any more."
Sasha felt tears start to well up, but sniffed hard and bit his tongue.
Lena's eyes widened seeing his distress, and as Sasha returned his gaze to
her face she spoke again, her words escaping in a fast whisper.
"Oh Sasha! You shouldn't think of it like that! Maybe Vanya wasn't the right
man for you, but that doesn't mean YOU weren't good enough for him, if
that's what you're thinking. What I meant was, I think YOU deserve a better
boyfriend than him! If he couldn't wait for you, then that's his fault, not
yours. I'm sorry if I made you feel worse!"
Sasha sighed. His blue-grey eyes suddenly reminded Lena of the colour of a
cloud ready to burst, which was an apt comparison at this moment.
"Don't worry... you haven't said anything wrong, Lena. It means a lot to me
to be able to talk to you about things like this. I've just been feeling
sorry for myself ever since this morning. I know I should snap out of it.
The truth is the truth, and if have trouble facing up to reality, it's my
own fault."
Lena quickly embraced Sasha, her face turned away from the crowd. She didn't
need to worry about Yuri interpreting it as anything more than a friendly
hug, as Lena often hugged people, including several of the men Yuri
regularly wrestled with, with the notable exception of Mikhail Kulik, who
lived in the apartment next door to Lena's family. It had been clear to Lena
for a long time that Mikhail liked the look of her, but since she was not in
the least bit interested, she made sure never to give him any signal that
could be interpreted in the wrong way. But she wanted to cuddle Sasha
tighter, to comfort him by holding him for longer, but then Yuri WOULD
wonder what was going on, and the last thing she wanted to do was to draw
attention to Sasha right now.
"Poor Sasha, I know it's hard for you. Harder than I know... and that's part
of the problem, because you have to keep everything a secret. People like
you can't show your love in public, let alone get married and be given an
apartment. Men who love other men can't plan for a future like the rest of
us. Maybe that was why Vanya thought it was better to end it."
Turning back to the crowd, Lena noticed Mikhail staring straight at her and
licking his lips. Yuri had his back turned, squaring up to an opponent. Ugh,
Mikhail creeped her out sometimes! She had hoped that, out of respect for
Yuri, Mikhail would stop giving her looks like that once she had become
Yuri's girlfriend, or that he would at least make it less obvious! But then,
Mikhail always had come across as so arrogant and full of himself, he
probably didn't understand the meaning of respect for one's comrades. He
probably didn't understand the meaning of the word comrade, come to that!
"Maybe," Sasha said softly, his voice a little shaky. "You know, Mama told
me that they used to let people like us get married once. She told me about
a wedding in 1927, I think it was. A hermaphrodite girl who loved another
woman. But I'd better pull myself together, if I keep thinking about this
I'll burst into tears and everyone will wonder what's wrong with me."
There were loud shouts and cheers from the crowd as Yuri floored his
opponent.
"GO ON, PETROV!"
"HIS ARMS, LOCK HIS ARMS!"
For a few more seconds, the other man struggled underneath Yuri's weight,
his feet pressing against the ground, trying to get the leverage needed to
try and flip Yuri off him. But he soon gave in, and Sasha and Lena clapped
as Yuri released his opponent and bounced to his feet with a big grin on his
face. He blew Lena a kiss before giving the other man a friendly pat on the
back.
"You did well then, Pavel, you almost managed to flip me that time. Do you
want me to show you the best way I've found to flip someone? I can teach you
it now if you want."
Pavel was panting hard, but smiled back.
"Yeah OK, but let me get my breath back first."
Then Mikhail walked up to Yuri and nudged him in the side.
"Hey, Petrov. I noticed your brother looking quite cosy over there with
Lena. If I were you I'd keep an eye on those two."
Yuri creased his brows.
"Bloody hell Kulik, you talk such rubbish sometimes! Do you think I can't
trust my own brother? Sasha and Lena have ALWAYS been friends. They can talk
forever about food preparation, swapping tips and things until I could fall
asleep listening." He smiled, thinking about the various lovely meals Sasha
and Lena had made for him. Yuri wasn't that interested in the process of
food preparation, but eating it was a different matter entirely.
Mikhail smirked slyly and sniggered.
"You think they really spend that long just talking about COOKING? Well, if
that's what you want to believe..."
Yuri narrowed his eyes, annoyed.
"You think I'm too thick to know why you're saying these things? Jealousy is
NOT good, Mikhail. Get over it, or just shut up!"
Mikhail stepped closer, the sun casting his big shadow over Yuri's face.
"Ha! Me? Jealous of YOU?" Mikhail snorted with fake laughter in an attempt
to disguise his boiling inner resentment.
"What is it you have that I don't, Petrov? Apart from wonky toes, a wonky
mouth and enough gas up your arse to blow you to the moon and back?"
Mikhail was expecting Yuri's face to contort in anger upon hearing these
words, but Yuri only looked slightly surprised, and suddenly stood up
straighter, without a word. Mikhail started to smile, thinking he'd scared
Yuri for a second, before realising that Yuri was not looking AT him, but
PAST him. Mikhail quickly turned around to find himself looking straight
into the piercing blue eyes of Yuri's father, who also happened to have the
same shape of mouth as Yuri.
"Oh! Ah... good afternoon, Comrade Petrov!" Mikhail grinned, blushing like a
beetroot, his heart jumping with the sudden shock and embarrassment.
Sergei Petrov did not smile back. Instead he silently stared into Mikhail's
eyes for 4 or 5 seconds, his face expressing the contempt that he didn't
need to express in words, and Mikhail got the message, sheepishly slinking
out of the way so that father and son faced one another.
Yuri broke the silence.
"Hello Papa, was there something you wanted to tell me?"
"No, I just thought I'd come out and watch for a while. I wanted to see how
well your technique is coming along." He gave Yuri a little smile.
"OK... who do you want me to fight?" Yuri asked, careful not to let any sign
of hesitation show on his face.
Sergei cast his eyes over the other young men standing around on the grass.
Everyone was watching him now. All the men knew Sergei Petrov's reputation
as a formidable soldier, wrestler and martial artist in his younger days.
He'd earned a medal for his role in fighting the Nazis, and his presence commanded respect. Many of the men also feared
Sergei a little, not because of anything he had done to them, but purely
because of the way he sometimes had of looking straight THROUGH them with
those piercing eyes as if he could read their minds, and they all knew,
without him having to actually tell them that he thought so, that Sergei
regarded the majority of Russian men of their generation as spoiled, soft,
weak and undisciplined compared to his comrades who fought alongside him in
the war.
Sergei's eyes moved back to Mikhail, observing that he was the physically
biggest of the men available. A dim witted, sneaky eyed, inwardly cowardly
crawler maybe, but physically, he would do. And he wouldn't dare try any
sneaky little cheating moves against Yuri while Sergei watched, he wasn't
THAT stupid.
"You. What was your name... Mikhail, is it?"
"Yes, Comrade Petrov?"
"Come here."
Sergei turned back to Yuri. "If you can floor Mikhail, I want you to show me
any one of the pinning techniques that we practised last weekend. Apply
whichever one of them you feel is the most adequate for the situation."
Lena was sitting up straight now, her eyes fixed on Yuri, noticing how his
posture was different, he looked a little stiff, was he nervous? It was hard
for her to read the expression on Yuri's face at this moment. Lena had never
seen him train in his father's presence before.
"Poor Yuri," Sasha whispered. "He's under a lot of pressure now, he has
Papa's reputation to live up to." He sighed.
Sasha sometimes felt guilty that this responsibility, to live up to Sergei's
reputation, had fallen squarely on Yuri's shoulders, since Sasha had never
liked or had much skill at fighting or contact sports and had instead found
his path and his passion in cooking, like his mother. Sergei had not been
pleased about Sasha choosing this path at first, but had become resigned to
it after a while, and finally had then accepted it. After all, it was nice
having two very talented chefs in their apartment, and Sergei couldn't argue
that Sasha's cooking wasn't delicious. And Raya was proud of Sasha. But
still, Sasha couldn't help wondering that if he too had shown enthusiasm for
wrestling, then perhaps Sergei wouldn't have felt the need to push Yuri so
hard.
Meanwhile, as he faced Mikhail and waited for his father's signal to begin,
Yuri swallowed hard, already feeling his pulse speeding up and a dry
sensation in his throat. But he hid his worries behind a hard, icy glare
directed straight at Mikhail, knowing that it meant much more to him than to
Mikhail to win this time. And his genuine anger against Mikhail for his
stupid attitude made Yuri feel he had a little extra edge. In other words,
his heart was in this struggle, and he hoped that it would make him just
that little bit stronger-
"NOW!"
Sasha and Lena watched anxiously as Yuri and Mikhail lunged at each other,
the heavier man ploughing forward like a truck, causing Yuri's feet to skid
backwards slightly. But Yuri, his arms skillfully blocking Mikhail's,
managed to retain his balance. He stepped in, making a grab for Mikhail's
left shoulder, but at the same moment Mikhail, his hand moving in like a
striking snake, attempted to grab Yuri's right shoulder. But as Mikhail
hadn't predicted that Yuri would move in that direction, he missed his
target and instead his knuckles struck Yuri hard across the left side of the
face. The next moment, Mikhail had pulled Yuri down and taken the fight to
the ground.
Distressed, Lena jumped to her feet, trying to get a better view.
"Oh no, his EYE! He hit him in the eye!"
Sasha bit his lip too hard, tasting blood.
Now Mikhail was on top of Yuri, trying to hold him down but finding it
difficult. Yuri was thrashing around like a tiger trying to prevent him
applying a lock, his breath hissing fiercely through his gritted teeth.
Twice he almost succeeded in flipping Mikhail over, pushing upwards with
surprising force against Mikhail's 105 kilogram weight. But the effort was
exhausting, and the corners of Mikhail's mouth flickered upwards as he felt
Yuri tiring beneath him, each push becoming weaker. He adjusted the position
of his feet so that his weight pressed more heavily against Yuri's upper
chest, causing his breathing to become laboured.
Sergei stepped forward.
"That's enough. Let him up."
Mikhail rolled off Yuri and stood up, brushing himself off. Yuri sat up,
panting, and tried to pull himself up quickly, but staggered a little. The
left side of his face was smeared with blood, he had an angry looking cut on
his eyebrow. Sergei touched him on the shoulder.
"Let me see your eye." He reached out and tilted his son's chin sidewards to
get a closer look.
"Just a bruise, it looks worse than it is," Yuri gasped.
"Shush, malchik. Hold still."
Sergei licked his fingertips and very carefully wiped the blood off Yuri's
eyelid, inspecting the damage more closely.
"The cut won't need stitches, but you'll need something to stop it
swelling." He turned to see Sasha and Lena standing nearby, looking worried.
"It's OK, it's just bruising and a little cut. Sasha, go inside and get your
mother, tell her to bring the first aid kit and some ice cubes."
Sasha hurried over to the apartment block as Yuri gave Lena a hug.
"Please don't worry, it's nothing, really," he whispered to her.
"Yuri, you and Lena go and sit over there," Sergei told him.
Yuri glanced back at his father with a look on his face that said My
performance then was bad, I'm sorry Papa. But to his immense relief,
Sergei's expression was one of sympathy.
It was good enough, for now. I saw how hard you tried.
Mikhail watched as Lena and Yuri sat down on the grass several metres away,
his mind bubbling with mixed feelings. It had felt good hitting Yuri in the
face like that, though it hadn't been intentional, and he hoped that Sergei
realised it had been an accident. But the dominant feeling Mikhail felt was
intense envy, seeing Yuri being the subject of Lena Safanova's undivided
attention. He would have thought that watching this fight would make her
start to realise she had settled for second best, but no! Bloody women,
there was no predicting how their minds worked! Especially Lena's mind. She
drove him crazy!
Lena, her mother and her stepfather (Lena's father had died when she was
much younger) had moved into the same block as Mikhail's family two years
ago, and Mikhail had seen Lena for the first time a year ago, after
completing his army training. At that time, Lena had appeared very quiet and
withdrawn, and hadn't seemed to notice him, but then Mikhail had found out
from one of the other guys that Lena had just gone through a messy break up
with her boyfriend and was not in the mood to look for someone new, which
was understandable. Mikhail's bed happened to be right against the wall
separating his family's apartment from next doors, and he assumed that
Lena's bedroom was directly on the other side of that wall, because
sometimes he had overheard her crying at night back then. And he could hear
her much more clearly with a glass pressed against the wall. Most people
would have felt genuine sadness hearing Lena crying like that, but to
Mikhail it only appeared as an opportunity to be let into her life and to
taste her gorgeous little body. I'll be there for you, Lena, I'll comfort
you, I'll make you forget that loser you were with before, if only you would
bloody notice me! But the months had passed by and although Lena seemed
to be in a happier mood as time passed, she had still paid very little
attention to Mikhail.
That was bad ENOUGH, Mikhail thought, but then the stupid woman, for reasons
known only to her, had got together with YURI PETROV! Oh, it made his blood
BOIL! To ignore him for all that time, and then to fall in love with that
flatulent fool, of all men! The worst thing about it was being able to hear
them having sex in Lena's bedroom. The wall wasn't that thin, but Lena had
that cute high pitched voice, and when she made those noises there was no
mistaking what was happening to her. To Mikhail it was a form of torture.
Sometimes he would storm out of the room, unable to bear it. Other times, if
he was lying in bed, he would stuff the pillow over his ears. One time,
being able to only hear Lena's voice and not Yuri's, Mikhail had found
himself becoming very aroused. He'd closed his eyes and mentally visualised
himself, instead of Yuri, thrusting away on top of Lena. Mikhail had been
satisfying himself while fantasising in this way for a few minutes after
Lena and Yuri had finished making love, until he overheard the sound of an
enormous fart. Then he heard Lena bursting into giggles, followed by
embarrassed laughter and an apology from Yuri. Flying into a rage, Mikhail
had smashed his fist into a nearby table, causing his little finger to be
very sore for some days afterwards.
Sasha and Raya hurried outside, Raya carrying the first aid kit and Sasha
holding the ice cubes.
Yuri smiled up at them.
"Awww, Mama... all this is very sweet, but you don't need to make such a
fuss over a little cut and bruise." He blinked, his vision blurred with red
as fresh blood dripped into his eye.
Raya knelt down next to him.
"You'll be grateful for my fussing over you once your adrenaline has worn
off," she said firmly, and set about cleaning the wound. Raya was used to
seeing men putting on brave faces, and it was hard to fool her. As well as
tending to the frequent minor injuries of her son and his friends, Raya had
been a volunteer nurse in a hospital when she was still in her teens, during
the war. That was how she had met Sergei, tending to his bullet wounds and
bringing him his meals each day. Their love quickly grew from a strong
mutual attraction and a need for comfort during the harshest years of both
their lives. Raya had been orphaned. Her parents were killed resisting the
Nazis and her elderly grandparents had died during the Siege of Leningrad, weak from malnutrition and without access to the medicines they needed.
"Is it just your face, are you hurting anywhere else?" Raya asked.
"Er, no, not really. Maybe a few tiny bruises on my back, but they're
nothing."
"Are you sure? It looked like you fell on your back really hard," Sasha
said.
Raya frowned and pulled up Yuri's vest to take a look at his back, which had
several pink marks from heavy friction.
"Can you bend your spine without pain? Lean forward for me- slowly... OK,
now to the side... lean back, gently-"
Leaning back, Yuri suddenly straightened up and winced with pain, his face
going slightly pale.
"Uhh!"
"Ah... you bumped your coccyx again, didn't you."
"My what?"
"Your tailbone. Right, you're sitting off for the rest of the session.
Lena, take this ice cube and wrap it in a piece of dressing for me please."
"It's so weird," Yuri told them. "I swear it didn't hurt as much as that
when I fell on it. Aah! Now it feels painful just sitting normally!"
Raya sighed. "What did I tell you about waiting for the adrenaline to wear
off, Hmmm? You're feeling the pain more now. Ah, thank you Lena. Yuri, undo
your belt."
Yuri did so, and his mother lowered the back of his trousers and underpants.
"OK Lena, hold the ice against his spine, just here," she said, indicating
Yuri's coccyx area. "Yuri, keep holding the other cubes on your eye."
She stood up, hands on hips.
"And are there any other injuries you haven't told me about?"
"No, Mama." Yuri smiled.
"Good," Raya smiled back, her tone softer now, and she leaned over and gave
Yuri a kiss on the forehead. Then she walked over to where her husband was
standing.
"He takes after you, he's as stubborn about admitting pain as you are."
Sergei cracked a cheeky looking grin and let out a dry laugh.
"Heh heh. Good! He's a brave boy."
A few of Yuri's friends raised their eyebrows as they saw Sergei grinning
like this, and wrapping one hand firmly around Raya's hip. It was unusual
for them to see him displaying these affectionate gestures in public.
Usually he always looked so stern!
Sergei and Raya looked on as Yuri shuffled about, trying to find a
comfortable position to sit, before Lena solved the problem by taking off
her jacket and folding it up to make a soft pad for him to sit on. Then,
holding the ice to his spine again, she stroked his sweaty, spiky hair with
her other hand, and the two of them exchanged a look of such tenderness that
it warmed everyone's heart except Mikhail's.
Sergei beamed at his wife. "Aww, look at them, all gooey eyed. Doesn't that
image remind you of something?" he reached up and gently pushed wisps of
Raya's hair back from her cheek.
"Yes, it does," Raya replied with a big smile.
"I look at Yuri and her, and it's almost as if I'm watching myself and you,
all those years ago. I have a very good feeling about those two," Sergei
whispered.
A couple of minutes passed before Sergei's eyes drifted across to Sasha, who
was sitting by himself, looking as if he was in deep thought about
something.
"It's a shame that Sasha hasn't been as lucky so far," Sergei murmured.
"Well, he's only 22, he's got plenty of time left to find someone!" Raya
laughed softly. "He's a sweet boy, it's not as if girls aren't interested in
him. He just hasn't found the right one yet, that's all."
Sergei raised one eyebrow.
"You'd think, working in that restaurant kitchen, surrounded by all those
women, he'd be spoilt for choice, but-"
Sergei's voice trailed off as he was distracted by the sight of someone
approaching, far off on the horizon. Raya followed Sergei's gaze, and then
Sasha, absently glancing in the same direction, suddenly felt a tingle up
his spine and sat up straight.
He could make out the silouette of a man, a big man, a soldier in full Red
Army winter uniform, with the black furry hat and grey greatcoat with big
shoulderpads, and a huge rucksack on his back. A soldier with dark hair and
a black goatee beard, walking in their direction-
Sasha's eyes widened, and his jaw nearly dropped. He blinked rapidly. Was he
dreaming again? But the vision in the distance didn't disappear. The soldier
continued forward. Sasha's heart began to thump in his chest-
"He must be BOILING in this weather," Raya remarked to her husband. "I
wonder what he's doing here, dressed like that."
"He's probably come here on the train from Siberia," Sergei suggested.
Sasha stood up. There was no mistaking it, this wasn't some guy who looked a
lot like Vanya, this was Vanya himself! And for whatever reason, Vanya must
have come here wanting to see him!
Sasha started to walk towards him, wanting to run to him but he couldn't,
not with everyone watching. Anyway, his feet felt weightless, he was so
shocked and so excited, and he thought he might trip over if he walked any
faster. Sasha wondered if this was how it felt to be a cosmonaut, walking in
space-
Now he was close enough to see Vanya's expression. Sasha stopped in his
tracks. He knew that look. It was as if the last time he'd seen Vanya had
been yesterday. Vanya's eyes were fixed on Sasha's face, and they were full
of longing-
Sasha had dreamed of Vanya, and now Vanya had appeared. It was almost enough
to make him believe in God-
Vanya continued walking until he was a metre away from Sasha, then stopped.
His smile grew bigger, then his lips parted, and Sasha already knew what he
was going to say.
"Ah, Comrade Petrov! How LOVELY."
It was the old greeting, the one that Vanya always used to use whenever they
had encountered one another unexpectedly. Sasha, his eyes shining, gave his
familiar reply.
"Ah, Comrade Konchalovsky! How LOVELY."
------------------------
Vanya grinned and spread his arms wide, and Sasha squeezed him in an
embrace. It was a rather clumsy, rough, bearlike hug involving much slapping
of shoulders, the kind of embrace Sasha had seen Yuri and other soldiers use
to greet their friends. Sasha had made a lot of observations about the body
language and gestures of straight guys over the years, and he'd learned to
mimic them quite well when necessary.
"Sorry I didn't write," Vanya said softly, his breath warm next to Sasha's
ear. "I lost your address and could only remember the street, not the block
or apartment number, so I-"
"Shush, shush, don't worry, don't explain now," Sasha whispered hastily. "My
whole family are over there."
They stepped back from the embrace.
"Ah," Vanya said slowly, his eyes scanning the crowd. "I thought so. Which
one's your Papa?"
"The one watching us like a hawk," Sasha replied, pulling an exaggeratedly
scared face, since he knew Sergei could only see the back of his head from
where he was standing. "Tall guy, light brown hair, dark coat."
"Right," Vanya said, keeping a smile on his face to avoid suspicion. "He
looks nothing like you though. Oh dear, I hope he can't lip read."
Sasha was very nervous, but Vanya's humour brought a genuine happy giggle
from the bottom of his chest that seemed to instantly melt away a lot of the
tension like magic.
Now Vanya grinned again, and laughed too.
"Oh Sasha, I've just spotted your Mama. She looks JUST like you! Oh, she's
waving at us. We'd better go over and say hello. Just stay calm, OK? Don't
act as if we've got anything to hide and it will be fine, I'm sure."
"OK," Sasha said. "By the way, watch out for Mikhail, he's the big sour
looking one with the mean eyes and the piggy nose. He HATES people like us,
I've overheard him saying the most sick, disgusting things."
"Ah, thanks for that information, comrade," Vanya said, a mischevious
glimmer briefly flashing in his dark eyes as he glanced in Mikhail's
direction. "I'm sure I'll find it useful."
"But you can trust the blonde girl with the Spanish eyes, her name's Lena.
She knows my secret." Sasha added, smiling.
"Oh, is she your... cover girlfriend?"
"No, she's my brother's girlfriend. Right, we'd better go over there," Sasha
answered, taking a deep breath before turning to face the crowd.
Yuri and Lena were on their feet now, watching curiously as Sasha and Vanya
approached.
"Mama, Papa, Yuri, Lena, this is Vanya Konchalovsky, my friend from the
Army," Sasha announced.
Vanya smiled and nodded at Sasha's parents. "Pleased to meet you, Comrade
Petrov, Comrade Petrova." He shook Sergei's hand and leaned down to kiss
Raya on both cheeks.
"Pleased to meet you, Comrade Konchalovsky," Sergei replied, though he was
wearing a thinly disguised puzzled expression. Who would have thought that
this big, formidable looking specimen of a soldier was a friend of someone
like Sasha? Sergei had at first wondered if Vanya was one of Yuri's friends,
before Sasha had surprised him by getting up and walking to greet him.
Then Vanya turned to Yuri. "Pleased to meet you too, comrade. Sasha told me
you were a keen fighter, you look like one too. That's a big bruise you've
got there."
Yuri grinned, not sure whether to feel proud or embarrassed about the state
of his face.
"Ha ha, this? Sorry to disappoint you, but this one's from a wrestling match
I lost. Nice to meet you too." He shook Vanya's hand. "And this is my lovely
girlfriend, Lena Safanova..."
While Vanya's back was turned, Sergei turned to his wife, one eyebrow
raised.
"I don't remember Sasha telling us anything about this Vanya, do you?" he
whispered.
Raya laughed.
"Of course he did, don't you remember? He wrote us that letter saying how he
was less scared of training now he'd made a good friend who'd taken him
under his wing. You ought to be very grateful to Vanya for helping our son
out."
"Hmmm, now you mention it, I do remember Sasha writing something along those
lines," Sergei said quietly, thinking. "Good thing he had a strong friend to
protect him from being harrassed by some filthy pervert queer out there, you
know how worried I was about that," he added under his breath.
Raya's blood ran cold seeing the look in her husband's eyes as he said the
words 'filthy pervert queer', and for a brief moment the rosy colour faded
from her pink cheeks.
"Oh, sorry," Sergei said quickly, misintrepreting the reason for Raya's
stricken expression. "I shouldn't say things like that, putting such
horrible images into your head, that was bad of me. Don't think about those
things, Raya."
Raya regained her composure, quickly approaching Vanya to distract herself.
"Vanya... I made some redcurrant squash with cucumber pieces for the boys
earlier this afternoon, would you like to have some? I'm sure you could do
with a nice cold drink after coming all this way wearing your winter
uniform. Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to ask, where have you just travelled
from?"
"Oh Comrade Petrova, I'd LOVE some!" Vanya beamed. "Sasha told me he learned
all his cookery skills from you, so I'm sure your homemade juice will taste
wonderful! I was based just east of the Urals, I came up here on the
Trans-Siberian railway. My home's in Moscow, but I came straight through to
Leningrad, I'm going to stay at my cousin's place while I'm on leave. And of
course I hoped to see Sasha too, it's been a very long time since we last
met."
"Well, it's lovely to see you here. You can call me Raya by the way. I'll go
up to the kitchen and get your juice now."
"Thank you, Raya," Vanya smiled, his eyes following her as she turned and
headed towards the apartment block, her plait gently swinging behind her.
They say mothers always know, he thought. He was quite sure just from the
way she had looked at him, from the look in her eyes, that Raya most likely
knew her eldest son's secret.
Just then, Mikhail strolled over to where Vanya, Sasha, Yuri and Lena were
standing.
"I hear you're from Moscow, Comrade Konchalovsky?"
His tone was openly slightly menacing, and the 'Comrade' part sounded
sarcastic. Vanya raised an eyebrow.
"I am. What of it?"
"Well, me and a couple of the guys over there wanted to give you a proper
welcome to Leningrad. And, since I'm the only one who measures up to your
size, I'd like to challenge you to a little wrestling match."
Sasha, Yuri and Lena were struck dumb, shocked at such arrogance, even from
Mikhail! But Vanya seemed unpertubed, apart from a slight look of disdain in
his eyes, as if he pitied Mikhail rather than being annoyed by him.
"And what's your name, comrade?"
"Kulik. Mikhail Grigoryevich."
"Well, Mikhail Grigoryevich, I have to say I've always seen the
Moscow-Leningrad rivalry thing as pointless, really. I don't think it should
have a place in our society. We should be beyond that kind of thing. I mean,
we're not like those brainless football hooligans in England, are we?"
Mikhail narrowed his eyes and snorted. It was clear to Vanya that this was
the face of a nasty, spoiled bully who was not used to being stood up to.
"So, you're scared, hmmm? Figures, you boys from Moscow are all talk."
Vanya gave a short laugh and smirked back at Mikhail.
"Did I say I wouldn't accept your challenge? I'll take you on, Mikhail. But
this fight will just be between me and you, not between our home cities.
After all, it would be a great insult to Leningrad and all its heroes to be
represented by someone like you."
He casually turned to Sasha. "Right, I'll have to take this gear off. Hold
my things for me, will you comrade?"
Mikhail turned completely purple with rage, his massive body straightening
up and stiffening like a hair on an angry cat's back.
"You're going to regret saying that, I promise you!" he hissed quietly.
"Hmmm, we'll see, we'll see," Vanya replied with a smile, unclipping the
buckle of his belt. He took it off and handed it to Sasha before taking off
his hat and unbuttoning his greatcoat.
Sergei, standing a few metres away, had overheard most of this exchange, and
for a moment contemplated stepping in and giving Mikhail a telling off for
his rude, conceited, embarrassing behaviour. However, he was also very
curious to see what might happen, and Vanya's composure and attitude had
impressed him. Sergei decided it would be much more interesting to simply
stand back and watch.
Sasha's heart was starting to thump harder again. Vanya was an excellent
wrestler, he knew that, and he could see that Vanya's confidence now was
genuine, not faked. But Mikhail was such a thug, and Sasha couldn't help
worrying that there was a possibilty Vanya might get hurt, particularly now
he'd pissed Mikhail off, he'd never seen Mikhail look so angry before!
Vanya handed his coat to Sasha with a look that said, don't worry, I'll
be fine. Sasha's nostrils dilated, breathing in the familiar warm,
musky, manly scent of his former lover, and felt his cheeks growing hot.
Vanya's body looked even stronger and more beautiful than he remembered.
Without the greatcoat on, Vanya was smaller than Mikhail, but not much. And
Vanya was fitter too. Mikhail might have weighed a bit more, but those extra
kilos were probably fat, not muscle.
Meanwhile, Yuri was also watching Vanya closely, but with envious
admiration. Vanya carried himself as if he had balls of iron! Yuri wished he
could be so strong, calm and self assured, or at least come across that way
on the outside!
Vanya bent over to undo his boots, humming 'Korobeiniki' under his breath.
Sasha felt himself blushing hotter as he tried not to stare at Vanya's
gorgeous big, muscular bum. His hand felt sweaty as he held Vanya's metal
belt buckle, his fingertips rubbing nervously on its hammer and sickle
emblem.
Now the boots and socks were off. Vanya turned back to Sasha and grinned.
"Heh heh, don't worry, you don't have to hold these, I know how smelly my
feet are. Ooooh, it's such a relief to get those boots off!"
Sasha smiled. Vanya's boots were indeed smelly, they had often been smelly
in the past, and they smelled extra strongly today. But Sasha didn't mind.
When you love someone, you can put up with their smells, he thought. Lena
didn't mind when Yuri needed to fart, and Sasha certainly wasn't repelled by
Vanya having smelly feet.
Mikhail rolled his eyes.
"Are you FINALLY ready now? I haven't got all day!" he snapped crossly.
Vanya sighed. "Patience, comrade!"
He stood up, stretched out his arms and quickly gave his feet and ankles a
good shake. Then he turned to Yuri.
"Will you give us the signal to begin?"
"Sure," Yuri nodded.
Vanya and Mikhail got into ready positions. All eyes were on them now. For 7
seconds, there was complete silence, apart from the noise of the traffic and
the birds singing.
"NOW!"
It all happened in the space of five seconds. Mikhail, lips curled back in a
snarl, flung himself against Vanya with all his strength. Sasha breathed in
sharply as Vanya, without seeming to resist apart from taking hold of
Mikhail's arms, toppled backwards onto the grass, rolling onto his back- and
then, to everyone's surprise, instead of staying down, continued to roll
backwards, carrying all Mikhail's momentum, and suddenly Mikhail went
flying! Vanya, with the grace of a skilled gymnast, flicked his legs over
his shoulder, got his feet on the ground and jumped up as Mikhail crash
landed on his back with a high pitched squeal of pain. In an instant, Vanya
was on top of him and had him firmly restrained on the ground.
Then there was cheering and clapping from all around. Yuri and most of his
friends were wide eyed in amazement, and Sasha had a huge grin on his face.
Oh Vanya, my glorious hero! he thought. And then he had to suck in his
cheeks to prevent himself bursting out laughing at the shocked and outraged
expression on Mikhail's face. Oh, if only Mikhail knew he'd just been
floored and defeated by a 'poof'!
Vanya released Mikhail and stood up, holding out his hand.
"Are you OK, Mikhail?" he asked, politely. "I hope I didn't hurt you, you
landed quite hard. When I first learned that move, the sacrifice throw, we
practised on mats. I'm sorry, I automatically used the first technique that
came into my head."
Mikhail pulled himself up, simmering with fury.
"I'm fine, thank you Konchalovsky! You just caught me off guard, that's
all."
It was clear to everyone watching that Mikhail was in quite a bit of pain by
the way he was standing, his back slightly hunched over, but he wasn't going
to admit it out loud to anyone. His pale blue eyes scanned the faces of the
other men, and he felt a cold chill in his chest as he saw that most of them
were staring at Vanya in awe and admiration! Collective adulation, almost!
Ugh, UGH! Mikhail thought. Like a flock of bloody SHEEP, staring at this
cocky bastard from Moscow like a bunch of bloody QUEERS! It made him SICK!
He turned to Pavel, one of his so-called friends.
"I'm going for a piss, I'll see you later," he scowled, and slunk off.
"Yeah, see you," Pavel replied absently.
Now Raya was back with glasses of redcurrant squash on a tray, and Vanya
enjoyed a well deserved cool drink. Yuri hurried up to him with an excited
grin on his face, almost bouncing on the tips of his toes.
"Please comrade, teach me that sacrifice throw!"
"Of course, it would be a pleasure to exchange skills and knowledge with you
and your friends. I wouldn't keep my techniques a secret from anyone in
Leningrad, we all belong to the same army after all. If we all learn from
each other, we'll all benefit," Vanya said.
Lena smiled. "Co-operation is better than competition, eh? We all learned
that lesson at school, but I think Mikhail must have forgotten it," she
laughed.
"Ha ha, too right," Yuri agreed. "Could you show me that move again today,
do you have time?" he asked Vanya.
"I'd love to teach you it right now, Yuri, if you weren't injured. But don't
worry. I'll be in Leningrad for a while, I'm staying at my cousin's, south
of the Neva. I can come back here next weekend and we can devote an
afternoon to teaching each other what we know, how does that sound?"
"That would be great!" Yuri beamed. "My tailbone should be fine in a day or
two, I'll be in perfect shape by next weekend."
"OK, that's agreed then," Vanya told him. "Sasha can give me your number,
I'll call you sometime during the week."
"Hey Yuri," Andrei called. "Me and the others reckon it's time to wrap up
the session for today, we're knackered and Mikhail's buggered off
somewhere."
Yuri checked his watch. "Well, it has been 3 hours since we started. I'm
going to go inside and shower."
He shook Vanya's hand again. "Nice meeting you, comrade, I look forward to
training with you next week."
"You too," Vanya smiled.
Yuri turned to Lena and hugged her tight. "I'll come around at 5, OK?" Then
he lovingly ruffled her soft hair and gave her a kiss.
"I'll make you something nice," Lena told him. "Oh, and try to keep that eye
cool for as long as you can."
"I will."
Yuri headed towards the apartment, followed by his parents, who waved at
Vanya before heading inside. Then Sasha and Vanya looked at each other,
smiles growing. Finally they were alone! Well, except for Lena being there,
but she was safe!
Lena turned to Vanya. "I'm in on your secret," she said quietly. " I suppose
you two have been waiting to get some space by yourselves to talk one to
one, eh?"
Vanya sighed with relief. "We certainly have. Sasha told me you knew about
us, by the way. Do you know a good place, somewhere indoors?"
Lena smiled. "I think I can help you. I live just a couple of blocks away,
and my mother and stepfather are away for the weekend. Yuri's coming around
at 5, but you've got an hour until then. I'll say I invited you round to
show you my artwork."
-----
Lena opened the door to her bedroom and showed Vanya and Sasha inside. She
was all smiles, but Sasha could tell she was a little tense underneath.
"I'll leave you two in here, OK? If you need anything just come and let me
know, I'll be in the kitchen." Lena paused, rubbing at the inside of her
elbow uneasily.
"Are you OK, Lena?" Sasha asked.
Lena took a deep breath.
"I'm fine, I'm just a bit nervous." She looked at Vanya.
"Vanya, I promise you I have no problem with people like you and Sasha.
You're welcome to use the privacy of my room... but please, be careful not
to leave any evidence behind. I don't mean to offend you, but Sasha's
brother will be coming here straight after you, and he doesn't know about
Sasha, so-"
Vanya touched her shoulder, his eyes sympathetic.
"I understand. Please don't worry, I'm not offended. In any case, I just
came up here to talk, nothing more. Thanks for offering us the space, I
appreciate it."
Sasha felt a lump in his throat. "I just came up here to talk, nothing
more." Sasha had not been expecting Vanya to make love to him in Lena's
bed, but those words made him wonder whether Vanya had come to Leningrad
wanting to resume their affair, as he had hoped. Perhaps Vanya only wanted
to catch up with him as a friend. Had he mistaken the lovely warm, longing
look he'd seen in Vanya's eyes less than an hour before?
"OK, I'll leave you to it," Lena smiled, and closed the door.
Sasha felt himself trembling as he sat down on Lena's bed next to where
Mishka, Lena's big grey cat, was curled up in a snug circle. Mishka raised
her head with a soft chirruping noise and looked up at Sasha before glancing
curiously at Vanya, who remained standing. Sasha bit his lip and looked at
the floor, afraid that if he met Vanya's eyes he might start to cry.
"Sasha, look at me," Vanya said softly. "I would have written to tell you I
was coming if I'd remembered your full address, I know it must have given
you a shock me turning up here without a warning. I didn't mean to cause you
any stress."
Sasha didn't look up, but his eyes brimmed with hot tears.
"Vanya... tell me... do you... do you still love me?"
Vanya knelt down in front of Sasha, looked at him tenderly, and gently wiped
a tear off Sasha's cheek.
"I do. Sasha, I admit it... I never stopped loving you. But if you have a
new boyfriend now, it's OK. I won't ask to you to take me back unless you
still want me." Vanya's voice was now shaky too, though his eyes remained
dry.
Sasha stared at him for a few seconds, too shocked to speak. Then he threw
his arms around Vanya and squeezed him tight, shaking with sobs. Mishka,
startled by the noise, leapt off the bed.
"Oh VANYA! VanYUSHKA! I never stopped loving you either! I don't have any
other boyfriend now, I only really wanted you!" Sasha cried.
At that moment, Mikhail emerged from the lift in the corridor outside and
walked grumpily and rather painfully towards his family's apartment. Just as
he stopped outside the door, reaching for his key, he heard a muffled noise
from Lena's flat. It was the sound of someone crying, but it wasn't Lena. It
sounded like a MAN crying!
Mikhail froze there for a second, eyes wide. It must be Yuri crying in
there, he thought. Perhaps Lena had just dumped him! Mikhail's heart leapt
with excitement, and as quickly and quietly as he could manage, he unlocked
the door, hurried to the kitchen to grab a glass, then dashed into his
bedroom and pressed himself up against the wall, listening.
In Lena's bedroom, Vanya gently rocked Sasha in his arms.
"Shhhh... it's OK... shhhh... oh Sasha, Sashenka, my sweetheart... I never
wanted you to suffer! Oh my poor Sasha! I only ended it between us back then
because I wanted you to be free. You were so young, and I didn't want you to
be lonely, waiting for me. I thought at the time it was the right thing to
do... but when you wrote to me last year and told me about Dmitri, I
realised what an idiot I'd been, letting myself lose you. I was very
jealous, but I never told you so, because I wanted you to be happy. But I
couldn't forget you... I had two short flings, but they meant nothing.
Sasha, I swear it, I've never loved any other man in the same way I've loved
you!"
"Vanya, I never loved Dmitri either, not in the way I loved you!" Sasha
gasped. "And ever since I broke up with him, I've only thought about you.
I've kept dreaming about you, only last night I dreamed of you! I love you
more than any other man too! Oh Vanya, I love you so much! And I'm so, so,
SO happy you still love me too!"
Vanya squeezed Sasha and kissed his head.
"So am I. Please forgive me Sasha... I wish I'd known better back then!"
"You're here now, and that's all that matters," Sasha sniffed. "Oh dear, I'm
sorry for crying so loud! The neighbours will wonder what's going on. I just
couldn't hold it in. I...I know it sounds like a cliche, Vanya, but this is
a dream come true for me, literally. I feel like this is too beautiful to be
true, I'm scared that any moment now I'll wake up and you won't be there-"
Sasha's voice again dissolved into sobs.
Vanya held Sasha tight, making soothing noises and stroking his back, and
when Sasha had got his breath back and looked into Vanya's face again, he
saw that there were now tears on Vanya's cheeks too.
"This is reality, Sasha. I'm here. And tomorrow morning, when you open your
eyes, I'll be there next to you, if you come with me to my cousin's place
tonight."
Sasha's wet, swollen eyes widened.
"Your cousin's place... so it was true, what you told my mother?"
"Yes. Would I lie to your Mama? My cousin lives here in Leningrad, she got
married last year. Don't worry, she knows about me and she's fine with it."
"And her husband?" Sasha asked.
Vanya gave a cheeky smile and stroked his beard.
"Ah. Well... he doesn't know. But that's not a problem at the moment.
They're both in Moscow with her in-laws. They'll be there for the next two
weeks."
On the other side of the wall, Mikhail's brain was reeling from shock and
disgust! He could barely take in all this at once. Yuri's brother turning
out to be a homosexual wasn't such a surprise, Mikhail thought, but
Konchalovsky, HIM? Hearing those words, and recognising the voices saying
them, had knocked the breath out of Mikhail's chest like a mallet! He'd been
so stunned by it, he'd forgotten to breathe properly! And now his mind was
whirling with other questions. Did Yuri know about this? He couldn't know,
could he? Sergei couldn't know, Mikhail thought, he was sure of that. Shit!
If Sergei Petrov found out his son was a queer, he'd hit the roof, he'd want
to kill him, and he'd want to wring Vanya's neck too! Mikhail's heart
thumped harder and faster as ideas for revenge already began to take shape
in his head. He couldn't believe his luck overhearing this, this was a
bombshell alright! In just a few minutes, he'd learned something that, if it
came out in the open, would change the Petrov's lives forever! It gave
Mikhail such a rush, such a feeling of power, he literally felt quite dizzy!
Then, suddenly, another thought hit him. Lena! Vanya and Sasha were in her
room- she must have known about them! She was protecting their secret!
Mikhail narrowed his eyes into slits as his brief euphoria gave way to
furious bitterness. Ugh! Such a sweet, innocent little face, he'd never have
guessed she'd be happy to allow a pair of queers to slobber all over each
other in her bedroom! It made Mikhail feel sick! Now he was angry with Lena
too, though he still wanted her! God, that woman drove him up the WALL!
"Sasha, I can't promise we'll be able to see each other very often in the
future... but I can promise you this," Vanya whispered.
"I promise you that from now on, I will be faithful to you. If Lena can wait
for Yuri when he goes back to the army, there's no reason why we can't wait
for each other."
"I promise to be faithful too," Sasha said solemly. Then Vanya leaned in and
kissed Sasha on the lips. Sasha opened his mouth for Vanya's warm tongue and
sucked its tip, pulling it deeper inside. They pressed their bodies close
and ran their fingers through each other's hair as they continued their
kiss, Sasha leaning back on the bed, Vanya on top of him. For several
minutes, dizzy with excitement, their surroundings seemed to melt into the
background, and all Sasha felt aware of was Vanya's presence combined with
his own. There was no doubt, no worry, only positive emotions and
long-missed physical sensations. Sasha giggled ecstatically as Vanya pounced
on him from behind and pinched his nipples. His body tingled all over as
Vanya kissed his neck and licked and sucked his earlobes. Mishka watched
them from her perch on a nearby chair.
Breathless, Sasha tipped his head back onto the pillow. His eyes suddenly
widened as he noticed the clock.
"Vanya! How long have we been here?"
Vanya looked up.
"Oops! Time flies, eh? We'd better head to your apartment so you can get
your toothbrush and things."
He sat up and smoothed down his shirt and his ruffled dark brown hair,
grinning at Sasha.
"Sorry... I couldn't help it... I got carried away then. I've been
fantasising about playing with you for so long. Never mind, when we get to
my cousin's we can continue where we left off, hmmm?"
Sasha's eyes lit up. "Oooooh, I can't WAIT!"
They got up and carefully straightened the covers on Lena's bed. Sasha
suddenly noticed a damp patch.
"Oh dear, I'm such a crybaby! Look, my tears made a mark. I'd better tell
Lena."
"I'm sure she has another blanket, don't worry so much," Vanya soothed. "And
if she hasn't, that mark could be anything, a spilled glass of water maybe."
At that moment, there was a knock on the door.
"Are you two OK? I'm sorry, but you can't stay much longer, Yuri will be
here in ten minutes," Lena called.
Three minutes later, Vanya and Sasha were ready and on their way. Far above
their heads, Mikhail watched them from his window, his nose wrinkled and his
lip curled with hate. He wished he knew exactly where it was they were
going. Sergei would get the shock of his life if his son was arrested for a
public homosexual act, the shame of it would shake him forever! But Vanya
and Sasha would be way too careful to risk trying anything in public. A
pity, Mikhail thought, but he had a different idea anyway, a much better
idea. If things went to plan, he could get revenge on Yuri and Vanya in one
go! And he had plans for Lena too. He didn't think she'd go along with them
willingly, but if her little queer friend's secret was at risk of being
spilled, and her stupid boyfriend's family's honour was at stake too, then
that might change things. He might just get to taste her body after all, if
he played his cards right. Oh, she'd hate him for it alright, but so what?
The silly little bitch had brought it all on herself in the first place by
ignoring him and by hanging around with queers!
As Vanya and Sasha disappeared into the distance, Mikhail turned away from
the window, stroking his lip with his finger. He needed a drink to calm his
nerves, he thought, and after that he'd think through his ideas in more
detail.
-----
Lena's hands were slightly shaky as she artistically arranged slices of red
pepper in a circular pattern around the edge of a plate. While Sasha and
Vanya had been talking, she had immersed herself in the process of making
the food look and taste as nice as possible. If anything she'd gone a bit
over the top, she thought, maybe she'd made too many plates of tapas, and
she hoped Yuri would have room in his belly to manage it all along with the
main course. He probably would, wrestling always made him ravenous
afterwards. Lena sighed, her heart was beating too fast and she was itching
inside her elbows. She wished she didn't get stressed so easily! After all,
telling a few minor lies to cover up for Sasha was nothing compared to
living with a secret like his every day of his life!
Lena quickly washed her hands before checking her reflection in a mirror.
Her hair was all over the place, part of her fringe was sticking straight up
in the air, her face was slightly flushed and her eyes looked so big and
worried! Sighing again, Lena splashed her face with cold water and tidied up
her hair. Be happy and stop being so stupid, she thought to herself. After
all, Yuri would be arriving any moment, and she WAS happy about that, and
excited that they had the whole flat to themselves tonight. She would just
focus on Yuri, nothing else, she told herself, and everything would be fine!
At that moment, she heard Yuri knock at the door. She took a deep breath,
put on a smile and hurried to let him in.
"Ah, my little arctic vixen!" Yuri smiled, and hugged Lena straight away. It
was only when she'd stepped back again that Lena realised how bad his eye
looked now. Despite the ice applied earlier, the skin was purple and very
swollen, especially underneath the eyebrow. Yuri's eyelid was also puffy,
and there were a couple of tiny red bruises on the white of his eye. His
healthy eye looked happy, but tired too, and his smile wasn't as broad as it
normally was.
"Yuri, you poor baby!" Lena gasped.
"Heh heh... I'm not a pretty sight tonight, eh?" Yuri laughed dryly. It was
a laugh that sounded unfamiliar coming out of Yuri's mouth, and Lena
realised that it sounded similar in tone to the dry laugh she'd sometimes
heard from his father.
"Please don't worry, I promise you it's not as painful as it looks, really,"
Yuri added. "Hey, I bumped into Sasha and Vanya on my way here, Vanya told
me he loved your artwork. They said they're going to have dinner at Vanya's
cousin's place tonight. It's great to see Sasha looking happy again, he's
been feeling a bit down lately."
"Yeah, it's great to see him feeling better," Lena smiled. "Want to see what
I've made you for dinner?"
Yuri's smile faded.
"Well... I can smell it, and it's delicious, but, er... do you mind if we
wait a while before we eat?"
"Oh?" Lena looked at him, concerned. "Aren't you hungry? Are you feeling
OK?"
Yuri bit his lip and blushed a little. "My belly doesn't feel very good,
it's all bloated. Actually it feels worse than my tailbone at the moment."
"Oh... you poor thing! Hey, don't worry about the food, I can put it away
and we can eat when you feel better, eh?" Lena reached out and rubbed Yuri's
back. "Maybe I can make you something for your tummy, hmmm?"
Yuri shifted his weight from one foot to the other awkwardly.
"No, you don't need to do that... my stomach's not upset, it's just full of
air. I get that all the time, it's nothing. I always get wind when I
wrestle, it's just the way my body reacts to the excitement."
Lena frowned. "But it usually comes straight out, doesn't it? You don't
normally find it painful."
"Yeah well, I was a little bit more stressed than normal today. I think I'll
feel better if I lie down for a bit."
"OK, you go to my room and I'll put this food away. I'll be with you in a
minute," Lena told him.
When she came into the bedroom, Yuri was lying on his side with his eyes
closed, looking more weary than she'd ever seen him look before. He opened
his right eye to look at her as she approached, his injured eye remaining
closed. Lena climbed onto the bed making soothing noises, and gently stroked
Yuri's hair. Yuri gave a long sigh.
"Mmmmm.... Lena?"
"What is it?"
"Can you rub my tummy, like you did that time I ate that dodgy food at
Pavel's? I think that would help."
Lena smiled. "Ah, OK. I'll just open the window first."
Mishka jumped onto the bed and nuzzled Yuri's chin with her face. Yuri
reached out and tickled her around her ears.
"Mishka, if I were you, I'd evacuate this room very soon, don't say I didn't
warn you," her told her.
Lena lay next to Yuri, loosened his trousers and began stroking his swollen
belly, her warm hand moving in slow, gentle circles on his skin. Yuri tipped
his head back and closed his eyes. After about a minute of Lena's belly
rubbing, Yuri's bottom erupted with wind. It was a very loud and violent
noise, similar to machine gun fire, and poor Mishka flew off the bed and out
of the room. Yuri gave a big gasp of relief.
"Ah... sorry I scared Mishka... but I had to do that...it was really
hurting."
"Ssssh, it's OK," Lena whispered, and carried on stroking Yuri's belly.
After a few more minutes, and several more noisy farts, Yuri's abdomen had
finally fully deflated, and now he could lie comfortably on his belly,
resting the right side of his face on Lena's chest. Mishka slowly peeped
around the door before cautiously walking back into the room and jumping
onto the window sill.
"You know, Sasha told me that sometimes his stomach plays up when he's upset
about something," Lena said, stroking Yuri's hair. " People react to stress
in different ways, with me, my skin itches. Is there something that's
bothering you?"
"Nothing important," Yuri murmured. "And Sasha and me are different, I don't
get proper stomach upsets. It's only air."
"Even if it's not important... do you want to tell me anyway?" Lena asked.
Yuri opened his eyes. He knew exactly what it was that was bothering him,
and he wished he could tell someone about it. But he was ashamed that he let
this problem upset him so much, it made him feel weak. He WISHED he could
tell Lena, but he couldn't, he just couldn't! He shut his eyes again.
"No... it was a stupid thing, and I'll feel better if I forget it." Yuri
muttered, and nuzzled his face deeper into Lena's breasts.
Lena looked down at him sadly, she wished he would talk to her about
whatever it was! But Yuri was very stubborn about these things, and Lena
thought that if she nagged him to tell her now, when he was tired and down
and wanted to forget, she might only make him grumpy. Maybe, when they'd
been together a bit longer, he might find it a bit easier to open up to her,
she hoped so anyway! She remembered Sasha's words to her in the restaurant
kitchen, a couple of days after she'd first met Yuri.
"He has a sensitive side underneath all that bravado, but very few people
can bring it out. You're perfect, Lena, Yuri needs someone who is sweet like
you. You can give him that tenderness he needs."
"Well, if you ever do want to tell me, let me know, hmmm?" Lena kissed
Yuri's forehead.
Yuri lay there quietly for a long time as Lena gently caressed his head, his
warm breath making a moist patch on her skin. He looked almost as if he was
sleeping, apart from a slight crease of his brows. Lena could tell he was
deep in thought.
"Lena?" Yuri whispered.
"What is it?"
"Do you remember the first time you saw me, the first time we met?"
"Yes, I remember it very well," Lena smiled.
"I was just thinking... the first time you saw me... I'd just been flattened
by Mikhail, I was in a pathetic state. What did you see in me? Did you feel
sorry for me?"
Lena's eyes widened. "Of course not! Well, of course I was concerned that
you were OK, he winded you badly. But you never looked pathetic to me!"
"Well, I couldn't have looked that tough or attractive either. So what was
it you saw in me?" Yuri looked straight into her face with his battered eye.
"You think that losing made you look weak, then?" Lena raised her eyebrows.
"You're forgetting something, Yuri. I saw the whole fight, not just you
losing. And you know something? I thought you had a lot of guts taking on a
guy Mikhail's size. I could see it wasn't easy for you, I could see you had
to struggle much harder than he did. You had passion in your eyes that the
others didn't have, and I really admired that. And I just liked your face
too, your personality, I felt attracted to you straight away. And I am fussy
you know, I'm not attracted to just anyone," she said firmly.
Yuri could tell Lena was telling the truth, or at least saying what she
honestly BELIEVED to be the truth, and hearing this made him feel better.
"Thanks, that makes me feel good," Yuri told her. "But still, I can't help
wondering sometimes that I don't deserve you... you could do much better
than me. There are so many guys much stronger than me-"
"What, do you think women always find the physically strongest guys the most
attractive?" Lena interrupted, shocked. "Well, I don't! I do admire your
strength, Yuri, I'm not denying that. But if I went for the biggest,
strongest guy, regardless of his personality, I'd be being just as shallow
as those women in America who go for the richest guy, the one with the
nicest car, the most expensive clothes. And they marry that man for his
money, but then they cheat on him with a guy they find more sexually
attractive. My attraction to you is based on LOVE!" she said fervently.
Yuri smiled. "Well said. I'm sorry Lena, I was in a silly mood, so I was
thinking silly things. But when you tell me things like what you just said,
I realise how true it is. I love the way you say things with passion like
that!"
"And I love lots of things about you," Lena told him, stroking his earlobe
with the tip of her finger. "I love your determination. I love the way you
look so cute when you blush. I love hearing you sing. I love your uneven
smile. I love stroking your hair. I love the way you smell when you're
freshly showered, and I love the way you smell when you sweat. I love
watching your bum straining at the seams of your trousers when you wrestle.
And I love it when you take me in your arms and make love to me standing
up."
Yuri exhaled slowly. "Lena, you're making me horny," he whispered, a grin
spreading across his face. "Tell me more things you love about me."
-----
That night, Sasha slept with a smile on his face, wrapped in Vanya's
protective embrace. It was the first night he and Vanya had ever had the
chance to sleep together in a proper bed, and it was a novelty that they
very much appreciated. Sasha had never felt so cosy in his life as he did
that night, his buttocks resting snugly in Vanya's lap, Vanya's strong arms
around his shoulders. Three times he woke up in the night, sure everything
that had happened that day had been a dream, but each time, to his immense
relief and happiness, he felt Vanya still holding him. Sasha could barely
believe how lucky he was.
----
1964
Eleven year old Sasha Petrov stood alone in the kitchen wearing his mother's
old apron, totally immersed in the process of whipping up a glorious creamy
dessert. The recipe, which for the time being Sasha had named 'Creamy
Cinnamon Delight' was an invention of his own, and this was his third
attempt at making it. The previous versions of Creamy Cinnamon Delight had
not been bad at all, but Sasha was always looking to improve his recipe and
make it taste even better. After whisking the mixture in the bowl until the
texture was thick like mousse, he dipped in a little spoon and tasted it.
Mmmmm, it tasted better, much better than last time! Sasha was very pleased
with himself, so pleased that he did a little dance around the kitchen for
half a minute before returning to the bowl to add the finishing touches.
Behind Sasha, his brother Yuri, two years younger, silently pushed the door
open and crept into the kitchen with a big grin on his face, a fine
sprinkling of snow on his hair, snow and mud on his boots and a small icicle
in his hand. The sweet scent of cinnamon drifted into Yuri's nostrils and
his mouth filled with saliva. Sasha had not noticed him yet, and began to
sing softly to himself. Yuri's smile flickered on his lips for a moment as
his conscience tugged at his heart, poor Sasha, it would be such a shock!
Maybe he shouldn't do it after all...
But at that moment, Sasha bent over, and Yuri could see Sasha's bare skin
showing in the gap between his trousers and his shirt. Yuri's grin returned.
He couldn't resist this opportunity! He had to hurry, the icicle was
melting. As quickly and quietly as he could manage, Yuri scampered across
the kitchen towards his brother. Just as he was almost there, Yuri's stomach
rumbled loudly. The lovely smell of Sasha's cooking had been too much for it
not to rumble! Yuri froze in his tracks, sure that Sasha had heard it. But
no, he was oblivious. Either he hadn't heard the rumble over the sound of
his singing, or he was away with the fairies again. Yuri took two steps
closer and dropped the icicle down the back of his brother's trousers.
Sasha leapt into the air with a high pitched shriek, nearly spilling the
precious contents of the bowl. He jumped around to face Yuri, who threw back
his head and roared with laughter. Yuri had an unusually deep and raucous
laugh for a boy his age.
"PWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Aah, AAH! What did you do?! What did you PUT in there?!" Sasha yelped,
still in shock.
Yuri wiped a tear from his eye.
"Just a little icicle... hahahaha, that was so FUNNY! You screamed like a
GIRL!"
Sasha glared at him crossly.
"It wasn't funny! It felt horrible, my pants are all wet now, it went right
down my bum! And I nearly spilled my Creamy Cinnamon Delight!"
"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Yuri leaned against a chair as he shook with laughter.
The kitchen door burst open and in ran 12 year old Natasha Katina and her 10
year old sister, Olga. The Katin family lived downstairs from the Petrovs in
the communal apartment, and the kitchen was shared.
"Sasha, what happened, we heard you scream!" Natasha gasped. Her bright blue
eyes narrowed as she caught sight of Yuri, who was still laughing.
"Yuri, what have you done this time?"
"He dropped an icicle down my pants," Sasha told her. "But never mind him,
come and taste my Creamy Cinnamon Delight, I just finished it. Then I'll put
it in the fridge and we can all eat it for dessert later," he smiled.
Natasha and Olga eagerly walked over to taste it.
"Mmmmmmm, it's even better than last time!" Natasha licked her lips.
"Yummmmm!" Olga agreed.
Yuri watched them, annoyed at being ignored.
"Look at you in Mama's apron, you scream like a girl and you look like one
too."
"What's wrong with being a girl?" Olga asked him crossly.
"There's nothing wrong with BEING a girl. But Sasha's a boy! He looks
silly."
Sasha opened his mouth to answer back, but Natasha beat him to it.
"Not as silly as you, talking rubbish. There's nothing wrong with Sasha! He
loves cooking and he can cook well, I bet you couldn't cook if you tried. I
prefer Sasha's company to yours any day!" She folded her arms across her
chest and tossed her head back proudly, her long black hair swishing down
her back.
Stung, Yuri stood there in silence, blushing and glaring at Sasha.
Sasha smiled. "Oh... come on Yuri, come and taste it too. I know you want
to."
"NO!" Yuri snapped crossly.
Sasha sighed. "You never appreciate my cooking. When you eat it, you bolt it
down your throat like a wolf, I don't think you even taste it properly.
You're so rough in everything you do."
Yuri narrowed his eyes. "Well at least I'm not a SISSY, and no one can
accuse ME of acting like a girl!"
Sasha looked at Natasha and Olga and giggled.
"Oh NO, certainly not. He eats so fast and he knows he gets terrible wind in
his stomach if he does that, but he doesn't care. He brags to the other boys
about how loud he can fart, it's awful sharing a room with him. He's always
waking me up in the night, it's like THUNDER-"
Sasha stuck out his tongue and blew a big raspberry to demonstrate.
Olga and Natasha shook with laughter, and Yuri's face went redder,
embarrassed at Sasha revealing this information in front of the girls.
"SHUT UP, SASHA! DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, HE'S LYING!"
"Sometimes we've heard noises from upstairs at night, now we know what it
is!" Olga giggled.
"Poor Sasha. Maybe you can sleep in our room tonight, hmmm?" Natasha
grinned.
"IT'S NOT TRUE!" Yuri protested.
"I'm sure it IS true, look how red his face is!" Natasha called out. She
held onto her sister as the kitchen echoed with high pitched female
laughter.
Furious, Yuri spun on his heel and stormed towards the door. When he reached
it, he turned around again.
"I heard Mama and Papa talking about you yesterday, Sasha, and Papa said
he's worried about you!" Yuri hissed, before slamming the door and running
downstairs.
Sasha stood there wide eyed, slightly taken aback.
"Papa's worried about me? What's he on about? Papa hasn't said anything to
me."
Olga creased her brows.
"I don't understand what he means."
Natasha gave Sasha a cuddle.
"Oh, don't worry about it, your brother's just shooting his mouth off as
usual. I don't think it means anything. Actually, if anything, I bet your
parents are worried about HIM, he's always doing stupid stunts trying to
show how tough he is and hurting himself."
"You're probably right," Sasha said, shuddering as he remembered the
incident a year ago when Yuri had tried to lift their father's kettle bell
and dropped it on his foot, breaking three toes. He remembered how Yuri
cried and sweated and trembled with pain as the family had waited for the
ambulance, and how he'd held Yuri's hand and stroked his hair as their
mother spoke to him soothingly, trying to give him some comfort. Yuri hadn't
minded Sasha being soft and 'girly' then, in fact the next day at the
hospital, after the operation, he'd happily told Sasha that he was like "a
second mother". Sasha sighed sadly. He loved his little brother, but he
wished Yuri wasn't so aggressive at times!
"What are you thinking about?" Natasha asked. "Come on, if your dad was
really worried about something, I'm sure he'd tell you himself."
Then they heard footsteps on the stairs and Viktor Katin, Natasha and Olga's
father, walked into the kitchen. Sasha liked Viktor Katin, he was a big,
cheerful man with a big moustache and a good sense of humour.
"Hello darlings... oh, Sasha, you've been making that creamy thing again, it
smells lovely!"
"I'm going to put it in the fridge and we can eat it after dinner," Sasha
said.
"We've tasted it already, Papa, and it's even better than his last one!"
Olga told him.
Viktor grinned, leaned over so that his head was level with Sasha's and
whispered in his ear.
"Oooooh, can I have a sneaky taste too?"
Sasha laughed "Of course!"
Viktor tasted it. "Mmmmmm, I think it's Sasha's best yet, girls!"
Sasha blushed proudly, he could tell by Viktor's tone of voice that he
really meant it.
"Where's your Mama, is she in?" Viktor asked.
"She should be back soon, she went to buy some vegetables. Papa's still at
work."
"By the way, when I was on my way up here, I saw little Yuri stomping down
the steps with a face like a tomato. When I asked him what was wrong, he
ignored me. Do you have any idea what he's upset about?" Viktor raised his
eyebrows.
Natasha stepped forward. "He was teasing Sasha about being 'girly' for
wearing an apron and loving cooking. We defended Sasha and Yuri got
annoyed."
"He teased Sasha for LOVING COOKING?" Viktor pulled a funny face, letting
his jaw drop open. "I can't believe it! Well, I know it's unusual for a boy
Sasha's age to take such an interest in the kitchen, but he is Raya
Petrova's son after all! If neither of Raya's children had taken up cooking,
it would be doing the world a disservice!" He ruffled Sasha's hair. "Ignore
whatever silly things anyone might say about boys cooking, I think it's
great that your mother has passed down her knowledge to you. You're very
talented already, and we all appreciate your cooking in this apartment!"
Sasha blushed pinker. "I'm really happy you like my cooking so much." The
nagging worries he was feeling about what Yuri had said quickly faded away.
Viktor stretched his arms above his head. "Well, I'd better go and get
changed. See you later."
"I'll wash up these things so Mama has space to make the dinner," Sasha
said.
"I'll help you, Sasha." Natasha walked over to the sink as Olga went
downstairs with her father.
"You know, you're not like other boys... there's something different about
you," Natasha said.
Sasha raised his head.
"Different? Not bad different I hope."
"No, good different. I can talk to you just like I can talk to other girls,
you're actually interested in what I want to talk about. You're more mature
than other boys your age."
Sasha smiled. "Well, those are good things then."
"When we're older... would you like to be my boyfriend?"
Sasha's eyes widened in surprise.
"I... I don't feel that way for girls yet. I have to say I've never really
thought about having a girlfriend." He looked at Natasha, hoping she wasn't
upset by his answer. She didn't look upset.
"I think you're very pretty, Tasha, and you're my best friend... but you
feel more like a sister to me right now," he added.
"It's OK, I wasn't asking you out right now!" Natasha smiled and put her
hand on his shoulder. "I don't feel ready to have a boyfriend yet either. I
was just thinking what it might be like to have a boyfriend who was like
you. Don't worry about it!" She laughed.
Sasha laughed too, relieved he hadn't hurt her feelings.
-----------------
Summer 1975
Outside the communal apartments, Yuri Petrov and his friends took turns
wrestling barefoot on the grass. It was a warm day by Russian standards, 18c
or so. Yuri was 20 years old, and had been back home for just over a week
now after completing his two years of Army training. He'd matured a lot
during that time. Although still a loud, over-excitable adrenaline junkie,
he was now a lot less clumsy and slightly wiser than he used to be. Yuri had
never been the brightest boy in the world, but generally, when he made
mistakes he learned from them. And Yuri had made plenty of mistakes in his
short lifetime. As his mother had once said, he was one of those people who
learned things the hard way.
Right now, Yuri was aware he might have bitten off more than he could chew
by taking on Mikhail, a young man a year older than him and a good few kilos
heavier. Yuri was a big lad himself, a little shorter than Sasha, but strong
with well-defined steely muscles and no excess fat. But up until now,
Mikhail's size had been giving him a definate advantage. Yuri was breathing
hard, his short hair wet and spiky with sweat, enjoying the challenge, but
at the same time feeling himself starting to tire and thinking as fast as he
could, trying to find the weakest point in Mikhail's resistance. Just in
time, Yuri found his opportunity as Mikhail lunged forward, trying to pull
him down. He would use his opponent's superior weight against him! To
Mikhail's surprise, Yuri yanked him in the same direction he was pulling.
Mikhail's balance faltered, and at that moment Yuri kicked his leg from
under him. The pair of them went flying. Mikhail fell on the grass with a
thump and Yuri, his gut releasing a long and extremely loud blast of wind,
fell on top of him and pinned him to the ground. The young men and boys
watching them roared with laughter.
The window of the Petrov's and Katin's kitchen flew open and Viktor Katin,
his moustache now grey, leaned out and shouted down to the crowd below.
"YURI PETROV, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, PUT YOURSELF INTO SPACE?!"
Yuri, now sitting astride Mikhail's back and using his legs to restrain and
lock the larger man's arms, looked up smiling, very satisfied with himself.
"Sorry Viktor!"
Raya Petrova joined Viktor at the window. She was an attractive woman with a
petite build, a slim oval face, full lips, a rosy complexion and big grey
eyes behind her thick-framed glasses (a style typical of the 70s). She wore
her long dark blonde hair in a thick plait down her back.
"Yuri darling, if you HAVE to do that, please can you try not to do it so
loud?" She called. "The whole of Leningrad can hear you and you'll ruin my
reputation as a cook, everyone will think my food induces flatulence," she
laughed.
"Sorry Mama, I'll try to keep it down," Yuri called back. Then he brushed
off his palms and turned to his friends with a big grin.
"OK, who's next?"
Raya closed the window and went back to the table where she was preparing a
salad for lunch.
"Oh dear, oh dear," Viktor chuckled. "Goodbye, any peace and quiet!"
Raya giggled. "In an odd way, it's nice to hear those noises again. I've
missed my boy and it's wonderful to have him back home."
"Awwww, of course it is. I'm still getting used to Natasha living away. They
grow up so fast, don't they? Oh, I haven't told you... Natasha and Leon are
coming to visit next weekend."
"Oh, that's great!" Raya said as Sasha walked into the kitchen.
"Hello Sasha darling, did you hear that? Natasha and Leon are coming round
next weekend."
Sasha's face lit up. "Oh! How LOVELY!"
Sasha missed Natasha too. Three months ago she had got married and moved
into a new apartment with her husband. She and Sasha were still very good
friends, indeed Natasha was one of the few people who knew Sasha's secret,
the first one he had ever told it to: he had never grown to feel 'that' way
for girls. He only felt 'that' way for other young men.
It was hard for Sasha living with his secret. He had been raised to share
everything he had, and he didn't like keeping secrets to himself either. But
for the time being he felt it was best not to let his family know that he
was a homosexual. Although he felt there was a strong possibility that his
mother already knew- she had once brought up the subject of homosexuality
when the two of them talked alone, but she had never asked him outright.
Sasha remembered that conversation years ago very well. He had been 16 at
the time. Earlier that day, Yuri had been talking about a girl at school who
was very masculine in her physical appearance and the way she carried
herself, and how there had been rumours about her going around at the
school. Yuri had said he thought this girl was weird. But Raya had told him
that there were some people who were born a certain way, and that although
many people disapproved of them or tried to ignore their existence, Raya
herself felt no malice for them. After all, they were not hurting anyone
else.
Anyway, later that evening, Sasha had mentioned the subject again, and his
mother had sat him down in the kitchen with the door closed and told him
that her grandfather, back at the time of the Revolution, had a friend who
was one of these men who were 'different'. This man had been a Bolshevik
revolutionary and was regarded as a hero by most of the people who knew him,
he was strong and brave and honest, Raya said, and the only 'unusual' thing
about him was that he'd had relationships with other men. Raya had also told
Sasha that when the Bolsheviks came to power, they had abolished all the
Tsarist laws which condemned homosexuals to persecution and death. It had
only been in the 1930s, years after Lenin's death, that the Soviet
Government had introduced new laws making homosexual acts illegal. Most
people didn't understand homosexuality, Raya had said sadly, and so they
feared what they did not understand. But she was convinced that
homosexuality was natural and harmless, there had always been people who
were that way since humanity began. Even some members of the royal family
had been that way, Raya said, and they had dressed as the opposite sex at
their decadent parties while the laws condemned any ordinary Russian who had
dared to try the same thing, how hypocritical! Raya told Sasha that she
hoped one day people would understand and accept gay people, but the look on
her face when she had said it wasn't exactly optimistic. Finally, she told
Sasha not to mention this conversation to his father.
"If you told him, I would never hear the end of it... because I'm afraid
your father is one of those people who fears what he doesn't understand."
Poor Sasha's throat had felt tight hearing those words, his heart had
thumped and his belly had ached! He had never been particularly close to his
father as a child, but the possibility that Papa might hate him if he found
out his secret was a terrible, frightening thought. But Sasha was very glad
that he and his mother had had that discussion, because then he was sure
that at least SHE would still love him, and also, hearing what his mother
had told him had, for the first time, made him feel that his feelings
towards other boys were natural, that he was not abnormal or a pervert, and
losing those feelings of guilt had taken an immense weight off his
shoulders.
But it was still hard hiding his secret. It made him feel dishonest. And
several times during his late teens, when Sasha walked down Nevsky Prospekt
and saw men and women engaged in displays of public affection, kissing and
cuddling and holding hands, part of him felt so sad that he was this way. If
only he could do the same things as those people, but with another man! To
hold hands and kiss and cuddle him... if only the world was different! More
than once, Sasha had looked up into the eyes of a statue of Lenin and
wondered if things might have been better if he'd lived a little longer. If
only that statue could speak and tell everyone that there had been a
terrible mistake! And then hot tears would well in Sasha's eyes, before he
quickly wiped them away before anyone noticed.
Sasha had hated having to do his two years compulsory Army training at 18
years old. He'd wished that Yuri, who had actually wanted to do it, could
have gone in his place, Yuri would probably have been happy to do it twice
over! It wasn't so much a problem for Sasha that it was physically hard
work, as he was already agile and fit (his second passion in life, after
cooking, was ice skating, which he did as often as he could) and he wasn't
small or weak either. It was the roughness, the harshness, the aggression
that he hated. Being a soldier seemed alien to his nature, he just felt
absolutely no desire to do any kind of fighting. Once those two years were
over, Sasha quickly put every memory of that time out of his mind.
Every memory, except the ones of Vanya. Those moments would remain very,
very special. Vanya had been Sasha's first lover, and the relationship had
actually made his time in the Army bearable, and at times actually pleasant!
As long as he lived, Sasha would never, ever forget that beautiful moment
when he'd discovered that Vanya was another man who was "that way", and that
Vanya felt "that way" for HIM!
The two of them had found themselves alone for the first time, walking
together through the wilderness in a biting cold, icy breeze. Vanya, the
older and bigger of the two of them, was walking slightly ahead of Sasha,
and as Sasha's teeth chattered, his eyes wandered longingly down Vanya's
broad, straight back, admiring the curve of his buttocks under his long
thick coat. Vanya had AMAZING gluteal muscles, almost like a shire horse. He
was one of those men who actually looked like the men portrayed in that
familar drawing style of Soviet poster artists (back at the apartment, Sasha
had a secret stash of these drawings hidden under the carpet under his bed).
Vanya also had a lovely deep, manly voice, and whenever Sasha heard him sing
in the showers at the barracks, it made him want to melt!
They were halfway to their destination when Vanya nodded towards a small
disused shed in the middle of the woods, and suggested they stopped for a
short rest. Sasha followed him inside gratefully.
After a minute, Sasha spoke up.
"It's good to have some shelter from the wind... but there's no heat in
here. I'm still shivering."
Vanya had turned his head, and for a split second Sasha regretted his words,
expecting Vanya to reply that he was just as cold as Sasha was and that
Sasha shouldn't moan about it. But instead, Vanya turned to him with a broad
smile and inviting eyes.
"Well, comrade, I have two suggestions. Either we each do 100
starjumps... or we could snuggle together for warmth."
Sasha's heart had LEAPT for joy!
Vanya and Sasha snuggled, and it was good. They kissed passionately. The
temperature in the shed ceased to be an issue. Vanya ran his hand up the
back of Sasha's neck, knocking his Army issue black furry hat to the ground,
and stroking his hair against the direction it grew, making his skin tingle.
Vanya confessed to Sasha that he had desired this to happen for a long time.
He asked Sasha if he had ever been with another man before and Sasha had
said no, this was his first time.
"Are you afraid?"
"I...I worry it will hurt... but I want you to do it Vanya, I want you to be
my first."
"In that case... I'll be very gentle, my sweet Sasha."
Sex wasn't as painful as Sasha had feared, probably because Vanya had taken
the time to encourage Sasha's muscles to relax, and a tube of thick, greasy
balm designed to protect the skin from the elements also came in useful.
Sasha was quite sore for a day or so afterwards, but his happiness was a
thousand times greater than his discomfort when sitting down. And after the
next couple of encounters with Vanya, there was no pain at all. Only
pleasure...
Standing in the kitchen chopping lettuce, Sasha's mind was miles away,
reminiscing about his time with Vanya. He smiled and sighed wistfully.
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm..."
Suddenly his father's voice came from behind him, almost making him jump.
"Heh heh. I think I know what you're thinking about, Sasha!"
Oooh, what a fright! Sasha thought. And I really, REALLY hope he DEFINATELY
doesn't know what I was thinking about!!
"Oh, you startled me, Papa." Sasha laughed softly, innocently.
Sergei Petrov raised one eyebrow.
"Did I? I've been standing here for the past two minutes, I thought you
heard me come in."
"Oh! Sorry, I was just daydreaming. I'm terrible like that, aren't I?" Sasha
laughed, hoping he didn't sound nervous.
Sergei smiled. "Well, I can't really blame you. You're expecting a lady
friend today, aren't you?"
"Er, yes! I invited my friend Lena from the restaurant to lunch today. I
hope she enjoys it," Sasha smiled back at his father.
"I'm sure she will!" Sergei laughed and winked, patting his son heartily on
the back. "I look forward to meeting her."
Sergei walked over to the table to talk to his wife. Behind him, Sasha bit
his lip anxiously. Oh NO! He knew what his father was thinking, his father
was thinking that Lena was a potential girlfriend. Aaaagh, why did life have
to be so complicated? Well, Lena was a very good friend, and knew Sasha's
secret, and didn't have a boyfriend at the moment, so maybe she'd agree to
be an 'acting' girlfriend for him.
Sasha didn't like decieving his family, but he also didn't want his father
or his brother to be suspicious. Sasha had done this trick three times
before with close female friends (virtually all Sasha's friends were women)
who knew he was gay, but were single and were happy for a while to be seen
in public with Sasha acting as his 'girlfriend'. Of course, Sasha's previous
'girlfriends' eventually found real boyfriends, and had to finish their
'relationships' with Sasha. Each time this happened, Sasha's father would
look dismayed, and say that he wished that one day, Sasha would find a good
woman who would stay faithful!
Meanwhile, outside on the grass, things were getting tough for Yuri. Mikhail
had insisted on a rematch, and this time he was proving to be a smarter
opponent than Yuri had first expected. Now every time Yuri tried to pull him
off balance, Mikhail quickly moved his feet to regain it. And Yuri was now
really, really tired. Sweat blurred his vision and his breathing was ragged.
His arm muscles felt sore, like a lot of tight, tender, narrow ropes on his
bones. He could tell he would barely be able to move them tomorrow.
When Mikhail finally toppled him, Yuri was gasping for air, and had no time
to exhale before he hit the ground and Mikhail landed hard on his chest,
winding him agonisingly. Yuri writhed on the ground under Mikhail's weight,
unable to speak, his face contorted with pain. To his horror, he felt tears
running from his eyes, no, NO! This was a nightmare, he couldn't let them
see him like this, it was humiliation on top of defeat! Around him, he heard
the concerned voices of his friends.
"Mikhail, let him up!"
"Bloody hell!"
"Shit, is he OK?"
Mikhail clambered off Yuri and grabbed his arms, pulling him up into a
sitting position.
Yuri finally found his voice.
"It's nothing... just winded me... couldn't breathe."
"Yuri-"
"I said it's NOTHING!" Yuri snapped angrily, hoping the horrible burning
sensation in his lungs would fade away soon. He sniffed hard and wiped his
face.
"f***ing hayfever making my eyes run!"
After blinking a few times, Yuri noticed an unfamiliar face among the crowd
surrounding him. A young, extremely pretty female face-
Yuri had to blink a few more times. Wow, she was GORGEOUS! Small and
slender, with smooth pale skin without makeup and beautiful dark eyes. Her
eyelashes were long and black, her eyebrows were dark too, but her hair, in
contrast, was silvery blonde and thick and soft looking, and it was loose
down her back, nearly reaching her lean waist. Her breasts were medium sized
and round (Yuri's preferred shape) and her lips were plump and deep pink.
She was the most lovely looking woman Yuri had seen in his life. Why did she
have to appear at this moment, he thought, why couldn't she have turned up
earlier when I was doing so well? Here I'm sitting, beaten, snotty-nosed,
runny eyed, sweaty and smelly, and she's all clean and sweet and feminine!
The girl was talking to one of his friends, Andrei, but Yuri couldn't catch
what she was saying. But then he heard Andrei say "I think he'll be OK,
Lena. But I think he should sit off and rest for a while."
Yuri blushed. The lovely woman, Lena, had been asking about HIM!
"Come on Yuri, let's sit down for a bit," Andrei called. Yuri staggered to
his feet and went over to where he and Lena were standing. He couldn't take
his eyes off her.
"Hi," Yuri grinned awkwardly. "I haven't seen you before, do you live around
here?"
"Not far, just two blocks from here," the girl answered. Oh, she had a cute
voice too, high pitched and almost cheeky, and her dark eyes twinkled up at
Yuri like an inquisitive kitten's. "I came here to see one of my friends, I
often come and watch the guys wrestling here at the weekend. But I haven't
seen you before either."
"Ah, I understand now," Yuri smiled. "I live in the apartment just up
there," he gestured with his hand, "but I've been away doing my Army
training. I only came home last week."
Lena's eyes followed Yuri's hand and then she looked back at him, her eyes
widening.
"Are you Yuri Petrov?"
"I am! How did you guess?" Yuri beamed.
"Well, I know your brother, Sasha. He's the friend I came here to see, he
invited me round for lunch. He told me a bit about you. I'm Lena Safanova, I
work in the restaurant with Sasha."
Now Yuri's eyes widened, he was not so pleased to hear this! Why did Sasha
have to be chummy with half the girls in the city?! Oh no, she wasn't
interested in Sasha, was she?! And what had Sasha told her about him?! He'd
better not have mentioned the farting, or he'd be very sorry!
But wait, Lena was taking a good look at him now, really studying his
features. Grinning shyly, Yuri hoped she was liking what she saw.
"I can see some resemblence to Sasha there," Lena smiled. Yuri's heart sank,
ugh, she wasn't interested in him at all, she was just comparing him with
soft bloody Sasha! It was so unfair!
"But," Lena continued, "at the same time, you and him look completely
different. You have the same colouring, your complexion and your eyes and
hair. But that's about it. He has a round face, but your face is more
angular, more square-"
Square?! Yuri thought.
"-MUCH more masculine, and your jaw is more defined." Lena finished her
sentence. Yuri's hopes rose, and he grinned more broadly now, quite proud.
Andrei laughed. "Lena! You always think out loud!"
Lena giggled and blushed a little. "I'm just honest!"
Actually, Lena did find Yuri handsome, and it fascinated her how different
he looked from Sasha. She noticed the texture of his hair was different too,
coarser. His eyebrows were thicker. And that grin was nothing like Sasha's,
Yuri's lips were thinner, and- Lena was an artist in her spare time and
noticed distinctive and quirky details in people's features- the left corner
of Yuri's mouth pointed downwards when he grinned, while the right corner
pointed upwards. Lena thought that was quite cute. And as they chatted, her
eyes caught sight of the three slightly crooked toes on Yuri's right foot,
marked with big white scars, the result of his childhood kettlebell
accident. Sasha had told her about that. Yuri's toes worked perfectly,
bending in the right places as he walked, and gave him no problems, but they
had just healed in a slightly wonky shape.
Lena asked Yuri if she could feel his scars, and she stroked them ever so
tenderly with her fingertips, sympathising with his suffering and injuries
and sacrifices in the struggle to become a stronger man. Yuri was very
touched, and he blushed like crazy.
Then Lena realised she had lost track of the time.
"Oh, I'd better go in now, Sasha told me to come at 12.30," she said. "But I
suppose you'll be coming in to join us too."
"Yes, I will," Yuri replied. "But of course I'll need to dash into the
bathroom to shower before I eat", he laughed. And to try to tidy up my hair
and release the gas I've been holding in while I've been talking to you, he
thought. And they walked up to the apartment together, followed by the
jealous gazes of several of the other men, including Mikhail.
Lunch was an interesting experience for everyone involved. Viktor, his wife
Irina, and Olga sat together at one side of the table next to Sasha,
smiling, winking and trying not to burst out laughing at the sight of Yuri
eating unusually slowly and neatly, and obviously completely starry-eyed
over Lena, who was sitting next to him on the opposite side of the table
(her seat was opposite Sasha's). Lena was telling them the story of her
grandfather on her mother's side, who had fought on the Communist side in
the Spanish Civil War (Lena was a quarter Spanish, that was where she got
those dark eyes from). Meanwhile, Sergei was looking at Sasha in a puzzled
way, didn't he mind his brother flirting with his love interest like this?
What was wrong with that boy?! On the other hand, though Sergei would never
admit it out loud, Yuri WAS his favourite son, and if the young lady
preferred Yuri, then good for her, he thought, she's chosen the real man of
the two. But he would have expected Sasha to look a bit more annoyed and
disappointed! Sasha did look a bit uncomfortable, mainly because he WAS
uncomfortable, not knowing what he should do! And Raya, though she was
clearly pleased to see Yuri looking so happy, was very confused by the looks
being exchanged between Sasha and her husband!
When lunch was over and Lena had left, Sasha quickly helped his mother clear
the plates away, hoping to sneak off somewhere alone to have a good think.
He was sure his father would have questions for him later, and Sasha wanted
time to prepare some convincing answers. But before he could go anywhere,
Yuri grabbed his arm.
"Sasha, you and I need to talk in our room, in private!"
Aaaaagh! Sasha felt frustrated and slightly irritated.
"Can you leave it a little while? I have a headache, I wanted to go outside
for some fresh air."
"Fine, let's talk outside then," Yuri answered impatiently. "It's
important!"
Sasha sighed crossly, exhaling loudly though his nostrils. Oh well, he
thought, at least this gives me an excuse to avoid Papa for a short time.
"What are you so grumpy about? Hmmm, I think maybe I can guess! Just come
ON!" Yuri said, leading the way to the door.
After they had gone, Viktor Katin stroked his chin thoughtfully.
"Oooooh, a PRIVATE conversation! I hope they're not going to fight over the
girl," he whispered to Irina while Sergei's back was turned. Sergei was
looking out of the window, watching his sons walking together and wishing he
could take the form of a little bird on a nearby tree branch and listen to
what was being said!
When he and Sasha were 10 metres down the road, Yuri spoke up.
"Right, I need to know the answer to this question, and I want you to
promise me you'll tell me the truth."
Yuri's tone of voice was low and serious. Sasha felt himself starting to
sweat. He had thought Yuri wanted to talk about Lena, but maybe he was
wrong! Maybe Yuri was going to ask him something else... a question Sasha
did NOT want him to ask! Sasha was afraid. He didn't want to give a
dishonest answer, but he had no idea how his brother would react if he knew
the truth, maybe he would never see him the same way again, not for the rest
of their lives!
Yuri raised his eyebrows. "Are you feeling OK, Sasha? You've gone pale,
you're not coming down with something are you? Oh shit, I'm sorry, I know it
was selfish of me dragging you off when you said you had a headache-"
"I'm fine, I'm fine," Sasha answered shakily. "But let's stop walking for a
bit."
"Sure." Sasha leaned against a wall, breathing quite quickly, while Yuri
watched him, concerned, and fanned air towards Sasha's face with his hands.
But in a few moments the colour returned to Sasha's cheeks and he was able
to compose himself.
"I'm sorry... what was the question you wanted to ask me?"
"I'm sure you know... it's about Lena," Yuri told him.
Relief flooded through Sasha's whole system and he stood up straighter, a
little laugh escaping his throat.
"Now, you have to tell me the honest truth... are you interested in her? You
and her must already be quite close if she was so keen to come alone to see
you for lunch," Yuri said, his tone suspicious.
"Oh, oh no, I can promise you I don't fancy Lena!" Sasha smiled. "We're VERY
good friends, but that's all. I think Papa must have assumed there was more
to it, but I didn't get time to explain it properly to him. Anyway Yuri, I
think Lena really likes you, so even if I HAD fancied her, I know I wouldn't
have had a chance."
Yuri looked as if he wasn't 100% convinced. Then a long string of words
tumbled out of his mouth with increasing speed and emotion, taking Sasha
completely by surprise.
"Are you SURE you have NEVER been interested? I mean Lena is probably the
most gorgeous woman ever to have lived, she's sweeter than ten tonnes of
Cuban sugar! I don't know how any normal man could NOT be interested in her,
and you see her at work every working day, and I KNOW what you're like,
Sasha, girls come to you so easily, you really have a talent for talking to
them and keeping them interested, and deep down I KNOW you're the better
looking brother! I admit it, I've been jealous of you for years!"
Yuri cast his eyes away from Sasha sheepishly, blushing. Sasha stood there
wide-eyed, shocked at Yuri's sudden admission, he never knew his brother
felt like that! Poor Yuri, putting on a hard, brave face in front of
everyone, but feeling insecure underneath, and not telling it to anyone!
"Yuri," Sasha said softly, touching his brother's shoulder. "You're not
doing yourself justice. Can't you see that Lena likes YOU? Listen, today she
was only interested in talking to you, me and her barely exchanged a word!
It's true I find it easy to talk to girls, but really, the majority of those
girls aren't interested in having me as a boyfriend because I'm not their
type, I'm too soft for them. We just get on well as friends because, as you
have always told me, my interests are a bit girly."
He paused before continuing. "Of course I thought Lena was very attractive
the first time I saw her, but I soon realised she wasn't interested in a
sissy like me, and I knew there was no possibility she'd want to be my
girlfriend. You're her type, I'm not, and I'm very happy you two obviously
like each other, because I really want both of you to be happy!"
Yuri started to grin, and a joyful radiance came into his eyes.
"Thank you, Sasha. I'm sorry for being so silly," he laughed, and all of a
sudden he wrapped his arms around his brother and squeezed him tight in a
big bear hug.
"You're so good to me! I know I've been a rotten brother sometimes,
especially when we were kids and I'd call you names and force you to wrestle
with me. I hope one day you can forgive me for all the shit I've given you!"
His head on Yuri's shoulder, little tears brimmed in Sasha's eyes.
"I forgave you a long time ago. I missed you while you were away. Just
remember I'll always love you, and you can talk to me about anything you
want!"
"Awwww, I love you too, Sasha!" Yuri squeezed him again.
Just then, they noticed a pair of old women staring at them.
"It's not what you think, he's my brother! we're not...you know!" Yuri
called out, laughing.
The old women chuckled and continued on their way.
---------------------
Summer 1975
Two months later
Sasha sighed and rolled over in bed, turning his back on the sunlight
streaming through the bedroom window, and pulled the covers over his head.
Normally he liked to rise early in the mornings, including at the weekends,
but this particular morning Sasha was feeling blue. A few minutes earlier,
he'd been enjoying a rare and beautiful dream about his first boyfriend,
Ivan 'Vanya' Konchalovsky. But unfortunately, as soon as the dream had
reached it's happiest, most vivid moment, Sasha had been very rudely
awakened by the peace-shattering roar of his brother's flatulence.
Now that Yuri had got up and left the room, Sasha was trying to fall asleep
again and hopefully maybe manage to return to his dream, but he was finding
it very difficult, because he was now fully conscious and reality had
resumed. And in reality, Sasha thought, Vanya has probably forgotten me. The
pain of that thought made him feel wider awake and more sorry for himself by
the second. Finally, with an angry sigh, he threw back the covers and pulled
himself out of bed.
At that moment, he heard Yuri start to sing one of his army songs in the
shower.
"Polyushko-pole, polyushko, shiroko pole,
edut po polyu geroi-ii-ii-ii,
eh, da krasnoj armii geroi-ii..."
(Field, my field, my wide field,
The heroes ride over the field,
hey, the heroes of the Red Army...)
Sasha bit his lip. Yuri wasn't a bad singer, and normally Sasha didn't mind
hearing him sing, but now, hearing it this morning, it only reminded him of
how Vanya sang in the showers at the barracks all that time ago. Not that
Sasha had ever forgotten it, of course...
"Devushki plachut,
devushkam sevodnya grustno,
milyj nadolgo uehal,
eh, da milyj v armiyu uehal..."
(The girls are crying,
the girls are sorrowful today,
their sweethearts went away for a long time,
hey, their sweethearts went away to the army...)
I'm sorrowful today, Sasha thought. My sweetheart went away to continue
serving in the army. And this year he didn't even send me a birthday card...
"Devushki, glyan'te,
glyan'te na dorogu nashu-"
(You girls, cast a glance,
cast a glance in our direction-)
"Yuri, hurry up!" Sergei Petrov's voice cut his son's singing short. "You
can have a quick shower in half the time it takes you to sing the whole
thing. You spend far too long in the bathroom these days, you're getting
worse than your brother!"
"Coming, Papa! Sorry, Papa."
Then Sasha heard Viktor's voice.
"Awww Sergei, I was enjoying that. Your lad's got a decent singing voice."
"Yes he has, but he's keeping me waiting. He can sing while he's getting
dressed."
Sasha heard the bathroom door open as Yuri came out, then heard it close
again as their father went in. Seconds later, naked except for a towel
around his waist, Yuri strode into the bedroom, taking a deep breath before
opening his mouth to resume the song again. But at that moment he noticed
Sasha's sad expression.
"Hey, what's the matter, Sasha?"
Sasha quickly forced a smile.
"Oh, nothing, nothing."
Yuri raised an eyebrow.
"You looked like you were brooding about something. Hey, were you having a
bad dream earlier? You were making some strange noises in your sleep."
Sasha raised his head.
"NO, in fact I was having a very NICE dream, before YOU farted and woke me
up!"
Oops, Sasha thought. His words had escaped in a much more defensive tone
than he had intended, and he saw Yuri's eyes widen slightly.
"Aww, I'm sorry Sasha, I couldn't help it. I was only half awake myself, and
at first I thought you were awake first anyway, because you were making
those noises-"
Sasha creased his brow. Oh no, he hadn't been talking about Vanya in his
sleep, had he?
"What noises?"
"Funny noises." Yuri closed his eyes, pulled a face and imitated what he had
heard in Sasha's voice.
"OHHHHHHH. Ahhhh. MMMMMMM!"
Sasha blushed hot.
"Was I REALLY?" he asked innocently.
"Yes, you were. Oh!" Yuri grinned, noticing Sasha's red cheeks.
"You're blushing! I get it now! You were dreaming about some GIRL, and I
interrupted it! Hahahaha... oh shit, sorry Sasha. I'm such an oaf!"
Sasha sighed. "Well, I suppose there's no use me denying it. I did have a
dream about one of my exes, and it made me remember how much I miss her.
That's why I'm in a funny mood."
"Oh." Yuri's smile faded and a slightly guilty look came into his eyes. Poor
Sasha! He'd always been so good at attracting women, and his relationships
had always appeared to be going well while he'd been with each of his
girlfriends, but for some reason that Yuri couldn't fathom at all, every one
of them had left Sasha for someone else.
"Who was it? Aliusha?"
"Yes, it was her," Sasha replied, thinking quickly. "But I know it's silly
me getting nostalgic about her, there's no point, is there? Anyway, I'm sure
I'll forget all about it once I've showered and dressed and eaten a good
breakfast."
Yuri quickly ran the towel over his body, mopping up the remaining drops of
water from his skin before rubbing it over his hair. Then he went over to
the chest of drawers and took out a vest and underpants. As he pulled them
on, he thought of what he could say to try to make Sasha feel better. Yuri
certainly didn't consider himself an expert on relationships, or how the
minds of women worked, but since he had met Lena Safanova, he felt he'd
learned at least one important lesson.
"You know... maybe it's a good thing that you broke up with Aliusha, in the
long term I mean. You just can't see it that way now because you still have
feelings for her. Do you remember how crazy I used to be over Oksana?"
Sasha gave a little smile. "How could I forget?"
"Well, I'll admit something to you now, Sasha... after I went to the army,
and after just one month I got that letter from her telling me how she'd
found someone else, I tell you, I was so upset I almost cri- er, I mean, I
almost wanted to cry. At the time, I felt as if I loved her so intensely,
her being the first girl I'd become serious with, you know how it is."
"Yes, I do," Sasha said. I know how I felt about the one who took my
virginity too, he thought. Just as intensely as you felt about Oksana. I may
never have touched a naked woman in my life, I may lie to you when I say
"her" instead of "him", but my feelings of love are equally as real as
yours.
"As time went on, I felt less upset about it," Yuri continued, "but it
wasn't until I fell in love with Lena that I realised that really, Oksana
hadn't been the right woman for me at all. She'd just been the first one I'd
had deep feelings for. I reckon I was just young and stupid back then. I
look back at 18 year old Yuri now and think, what a silly little boy!"
Sasha giggled.
"So now," Yuri concluded with a smile, "I'm very glad that Oksana didn't
wait for me. Lena is a better woman and a better person in every way. I know
it's only been two months, but already being with Lena has made me feel
happier than I've ever been, and she's taught me things about myself I'd
never realised before. I swear, Sasha, I think Lena is wife material!"
"I agree," Sasha said with a grin. "She even puts up with your farting, so I
think you should book your wedding right now!"
Yuri lunged at Sasha, grabbed him and pinned him down on his bed.
"Hahahaha, you cheeky bugger! But I'm pleased I made you smile."
Raya Petrova knocked on the door.
"Boys, don't you want breakfast?"
Yuri leapt up. "Oh, I do, I do!"
"Morning Mama, I'll be there in a minute," Sasha called.
Yuri grabbed his trousers off a chair and pulled them on, while Sasha put on
his dressing gown, then the two of them hurried to the kitchen. Viktor,
Irina and Olga were already sat at the table and eating.
"Just think," Yuri said to Sasha as they took their seats, "it's harder for
the women in our country than it is for us men. The women outnumber us, so
some of them won't manage to get a boyfriend. In China they have the
opposite problem, can you imagine how it is for the Chinese men? Be glad
you're a Russian guy. You'll find a woman who's right for you eventually, I
know it."
This thought didn't make Sasha feel any better about his situation, though
of course he felt sorry for the Russian women and the Chinese men who
wouldn't find a partner. But he made sure he kept the smile on his face as
he saw his father enter the kitchen.
----
"I know I'm probably just being silly," Sasha said to Lena as they sat on
the grass watching Yuri and the other men wrestling. With the sound of the
shouting and cheering, and speaking quietly a safe distance away, Sasha
didn't have to worry about anyone overhearing.
"Me and Vanya both knew that once I went home we'd have to say goodbye. I
didn't have any illusions about it. I knew he'd have other men after me, and
then when I came home and started seeing Dmitri, I didn't let my memories of
Vanya get in the way. But after it didn't work out with Dmitri, ever since
then, I keep thinking about Vanya, two years later. I can't help fantasising
about how things might have been with me and him, if the world was
different. Do you think I'm mad, Lena?"
Lena looked deep in thought for about 10 seconds, then answered.
"For what my opinion is worth, no I don't. I know you never felt as strongly
for Dmitri as you did for Vanya, from what you told me about Vanya anyway.
And Vanya gave you love and comfort at a time when you badly needed it, so
it's no wonder you still think about him."
Sasha sighed. "I wonder whether I'll ever meet a guy as nice as him again."
Lena looked at Sasha, her dark eyes full of sympathy.
"I can understand you thinking that, because you haven't yet met any man
you've loved more than him. And he was your first lover too. Look, I don't
think I'm the best person to give advice about relationships, and I've only
had two serious boyfriends myself, including Yuri. But I think it must be
natural for people to compare their lovers with their first one, whether
their first lover was good or not."
Sasha always appreciated Lena's opinions, mostly because she was always so
honest, speaking the truth even if it wasn't what you wanted to hear. She
was young, only 19, but to Sasha she seemed to have more knowledge of life
than most other girls her age. She may have had only two boyfriends, but she
had experienced a lot.
Lena's first boyfriend, Maxim, had not been good for her. The only positive
thing Lena said she had got from her time with him was that she would learn
from her mistakes and know how to not repeat them. And it was only after
Lena and Maxim had split up that Lena, on her 18th birthday, had discovered
she was pregnant. It had been Sasha's shoulder she cried on when she found
out, and it was Sasha who had accompanied her to the hospital when she went
for the abortion. It was Sasha who gave her comfort in the months
afterwards, and she considered him her best friend.
After about a minute's silent thought, Sasha spoke again.
"I think Vanya was special, and I know I'll have to search for a long time
before I find someone with that kind of magic again. But maybe you're
right.. and maybe I think about Vanya in an idealistic way. Like you said,
he gave me love at a time when I really needed it, in the middle of all
that... that ROUGHNESS. For me it was such a beautiful surprise, the way
everything happened, and I still treasure every moment."
Sasha cast his gaze down to the grass sadly.
"But at the end of the day, I know I wasn't as special to him as he was to
me, because if I was, he'd wouldn't have ended it, we would have found a way
to stay together. I mean, he does get leave, it's not as if we couldn't ever
meet again. But he thought it was "better for both of us". And now it's been
four months since he last wrote. Obviously he must have found someone much
better than me, and doesn't even think about me any more."
Sasha felt tears start to well up, but sniffed hard and bit his tongue.
Lena's eyes widened seeing his distress, and as Sasha returned his gaze to
her face she spoke again, her words escaping in a fast whisper.
"Oh Sasha! You shouldn't think of it like that! Maybe Vanya wasn't the right
man for you, but that doesn't mean YOU weren't good enough for him, if
that's what you're thinking. What I meant was, I think YOU deserve a better
boyfriend than him! If he couldn't wait for you, then that's his fault, not
yours. I'm sorry if I made you feel worse!"
Sasha sighed. His blue-grey eyes suddenly reminded Lena of the colour of a
cloud ready to burst, which was an apt comparison at this moment.
"Don't worry... you haven't said anything wrong, Lena. It means a lot to me
to be able to talk to you about things like this. I've just been feeling
sorry for myself ever since this morning. I know I should snap out of it.
The truth is the truth, and if have trouble facing up to reality, it's my
own fault."
Lena quickly embraced Sasha, her face turned away from the crowd. She didn't
need to worry about Yuri interpreting it as anything more than a friendly
hug, as Lena often hugged people, including several of the men Yuri
regularly wrestled with, with the notable exception of Mikhail Kulik, who
lived in the apartment next door to Lena's family. It had been clear to Lena
for a long time that Mikhail liked the look of her, but since she was not in
the least bit interested, she made sure never to give him any signal that
could be interpreted in the wrong way. But she wanted to cuddle Sasha
tighter, to comfort him by holding him for longer, but then Yuri WOULD
wonder what was going on, and the last thing she wanted to do was to draw
attention to Sasha right now.
"Poor Sasha, I know it's hard for you. Harder than I know... and that's part
of the problem, because you have to keep everything a secret. People like
you can't show your love in public, let alone get married and be given an
apartment. Men who love other men can't plan for a future like the rest of
us. Maybe that was why Vanya thought it was better to end it."
Turning back to the crowd, Lena noticed Mikhail staring straight at her and
licking his lips. Yuri had his back turned, squaring up to an opponent. Ugh,
Mikhail creeped her out sometimes! She had hoped that, out of respect for
Yuri, Mikhail would stop giving her looks like that once she had become
Yuri's girlfriend, or that he would at least make it less obvious! But then,
Mikhail always had come across as so arrogant and full of himself, he
probably didn't understand the meaning of respect for one's comrades. He
probably didn't understand the meaning of the word comrade, come to that!
"Maybe," Sasha said softly, his voice a little shaky. "You know, Mama told
me that they used to let people like us get married once. She told me about
a wedding in 1927, I think it was. A hermaphrodite girl who loved another
woman. But I'd better pull myself together, if I keep thinking about this
I'll burst into tears and everyone will wonder what's wrong with me."
There were loud shouts and cheers from the crowd as Yuri floored his
opponent.
"GO ON, PETROV!"
"HIS ARMS, LOCK HIS ARMS!"
For a few more seconds, the other man struggled underneath Yuri's weight,
his feet pressing against the ground, trying to get the leverage needed to
try and flip Yuri off him. But he soon gave in, and Sasha and Lena clapped
as Yuri released his opponent and bounced to his feet with a big grin on his
face. He blew Lena a kiss before giving the other man a friendly pat on the
back.
"You did well then, Pavel, you almost managed to flip me that time. Do you
want me to show you the best way I've found to flip someone? I can teach you
it now if you want."
Pavel was panting hard, but smiled back.
"Yeah OK, but let me get my breath back first."
Then Mikhail walked up to Yuri and nudged him in the side.
"Hey, Petrov. I noticed your brother looking quite cosy over there with
Lena. If I were you I'd keep an eye on those two."
Yuri creased his brows.
"Bloody hell Kulik, you talk such rubbish sometimes! Do you think I can't
trust my own brother? Sasha and Lena have ALWAYS been friends. They can talk
forever about food preparation, swapping tips and things until I could fall
asleep listening." He smiled, thinking about the various lovely meals Sasha
and Lena had made for him. Yuri wasn't that interested in the process of
food preparation, but eating it was a different matter entirely.
Mikhail smirked slyly and sniggered.
"You think they really spend that long just talking about COOKING? Well, if
that's what you want to believe..."
Yuri narrowed his eyes, annoyed.
"You think I'm too thick to know why you're saying these things? Jealousy is
NOT good, Mikhail. Get over it, or just shut up!"
Mikhail stepped closer, the sun casting his big shadow over Yuri's face.
"Ha! Me? Jealous of YOU?" Mikhail snorted with fake laughter in an attempt
to disguise his boiling inner resentment.
"What is it you have that I don't, Petrov? Apart from wonky toes, a wonky
mouth and enough gas up your arse to blow you to the moon and back?"
Mikhail was expecting Yuri's face to contort in anger upon hearing these
words, but Yuri only looked slightly surprised, and suddenly stood up
straighter, without a word. Mikhail started to smile, thinking he'd scared
Yuri for a second, before realising that Yuri was not looking AT him, but
PAST him. Mikhail quickly turned around to find himself looking straight
into the piercing blue eyes of Yuri's father, who also happened to have the
same shape of mouth as Yuri.
"Oh! Ah... good afternoon, Comrade Petrov!" Mikhail grinned, blushing like a
beetroot, his heart jumping with the sudden shock and embarrassment.
Sergei Petrov did not smile back. Instead he silently stared into Mikhail's
eyes for 4 or 5 seconds, his face expressing the contempt that he didn't
need to express in words, and Mikhail got the message, sheepishly slinking
out of the way so that father and son faced one another.
Yuri broke the silence.
"Hello Papa, was there something you wanted to tell me?"
"No, I just thought I'd come out and watch for a while. I wanted to see how
well your technique is coming along." He gave Yuri a little smile.
"OK... who do you want me to fight?" Yuri asked, careful not to let any sign
of hesitation show on his face.
Sergei cast his eyes over the other young men standing around on the grass.
Everyone was watching him now. All the men knew Sergei Petrov's reputation
as a formidable soldier, wrestler and martial artist in his younger days.
He'd earned a medal for his role in fighting the Nazis, and his presence commanded respect. Many of the men also feared
Sergei a little, not because of anything he had done to them, but purely
because of the way he sometimes had of looking straight THROUGH them with
those piercing eyes as if he could read their minds, and they all knew,
without him having to actually tell them that he thought so, that Sergei
regarded the majority of Russian men of their generation as spoiled, soft,
weak and undisciplined compared to his comrades who fought alongside him in
the war.
Sergei's eyes moved back to Mikhail, observing that he was the physically
biggest of the men available. A dim witted, sneaky eyed, inwardly cowardly
crawler maybe, but physically, he would do. And he wouldn't dare try any
sneaky little cheating moves against Yuri while Sergei watched, he wasn't
THAT stupid.
"You. What was your name... Mikhail, is it?"
"Yes, Comrade Petrov?"
"Come here."
Sergei turned back to Yuri. "If you can floor Mikhail, I want you to show me
any one of the pinning techniques that we practised last weekend. Apply
whichever one of them you feel is the most adequate for the situation."
Lena was sitting up straight now, her eyes fixed on Yuri, noticing how his
posture was different, he looked a little stiff, was he nervous? It was hard
for her to read the expression on Yuri's face at this moment. Lena had never
seen him train in his father's presence before.
"Poor Yuri," Sasha whispered. "He's under a lot of pressure now, he has
Papa's reputation to live up to." He sighed.
Sasha sometimes felt guilty that this responsibility, to live up to Sergei's
reputation, had fallen squarely on Yuri's shoulders, since Sasha had never
liked or had much skill at fighting or contact sports and had instead found
his path and his passion in cooking, like his mother. Sergei had not been
pleased about Sasha choosing this path at first, but had become resigned to
it after a while, and finally had then accepted it. After all, it was nice
having two very talented chefs in their apartment, and Sergei couldn't argue
that Sasha's cooking wasn't delicious. And Raya was proud of Sasha. But
still, Sasha couldn't help wondering that if he too had shown enthusiasm for
wrestling, then perhaps Sergei wouldn't have felt the need to push Yuri so
hard.
Meanwhile, as he faced Mikhail and waited for his father's signal to begin,
Yuri swallowed hard, already feeling his pulse speeding up and a dry
sensation in his throat. But he hid his worries behind a hard, icy glare
directed straight at Mikhail, knowing that it meant much more to him than to
Mikhail to win this time. And his genuine anger against Mikhail for his
stupid attitude made Yuri feel he had a little extra edge. In other words,
his heart was in this struggle, and he hoped that it would make him just
that little bit stronger-
"NOW!"
Sasha and Lena watched anxiously as Yuri and Mikhail lunged at each other,
the heavier man ploughing forward like a truck, causing Yuri's feet to skid
backwards slightly. But Yuri, his arms skillfully blocking Mikhail's,
managed to retain his balance. He stepped in, making a grab for Mikhail's
left shoulder, but at the same moment Mikhail, his hand moving in like a
striking snake, attempted to grab Yuri's right shoulder. But as Mikhail
hadn't predicted that Yuri would move in that direction, he missed his
target and instead his knuckles struck Yuri hard across the left side of the
face. The next moment, Mikhail had pulled Yuri down and taken the fight to
the ground.
Distressed, Lena jumped to her feet, trying to get a better view.
"Oh no, his EYE! He hit him in the eye!"
Sasha bit his lip too hard, tasting blood.
Now Mikhail was on top of Yuri, trying to hold him down but finding it
difficult. Yuri was thrashing around like a tiger trying to prevent him
applying a lock, his breath hissing fiercely through his gritted teeth.
Twice he almost succeeded in flipping Mikhail over, pushing upwards with
surprising force against Mikhail's 105 kilogram weight. But the effort was
exhausting, and the corners of Mikhail's mouth flickered upwards as he felt
Yuri tiring beneath him, each push becoming weaker. He adjusted the position
of his feet so that his weight pressed more heavily against Yuri's upper
chest, causing his breathing to become laboured.
Sergei stepped forward.
"That's enough. Let him up."
Mikhail rolled off Yuri and stood up, brushing himself off. Yuri sat up,
panting, and tried to pull himself up quickly, but staggered a little. The
left side of his face was smeared with blood, he had an angry looking cut on
his eyebrow. Sergei touched him on the shoulder.
"Let me see your eye." He reached out and tilted his son's chin sidewards to
get a closer look.
"Just a bruise, it looks worse than it is," Yuri gasped.
"Shush, malchik. Hold still."
Sergei licked his fingertips and very carefully wiped the blood off Yuri's
eyelid, inspecting the damage more closely.
"The cut won't need stitches, but you'll need something to stop it
swelling." He turned to see Sasha and Lena standing nearby, looking worried.
"It's OK, it's just bruising and a little cut. Sasha, go inside and get your
mother, tell her to bring the first aid kit and some ice cubes."
Sasha hurried over to the apartment block as Yuri gave Lena a hug.
"Please don't worry, it's nothing, really," he whispered to her.
"Yuri, you and Lena go and sit over there," Sergei told him.
Yuri glanced back at his father with a look on his face that said My
performance then was bad, I'm sorry Papa. But to his immense relief,
Sergei's expression was one of sympathy.
It was good enough, for now. I saw how hard you tried.
Mikhail watched as Lena and Yuri sat down on the grass several metres away,
his mind bubbling with mixed feelings. It had felt good hitting Yuri in the
face like that, though it hadn't been intentional, and he hoped that Sergei
realised it had been an accident. But the dominant feeling Mikhail felt was
intense envy, seeing Yuri being the subject of Lena Safanova's undivided
attention. He would have thought that watching this fight would make her
start to realise she had settled for second best, but no! Bloody women,
there was no predicting how their minds worked! Especially Lena's mind. She
drove him crazy!
Lena, her mother and her stepfather (Lena's father had died when she was
much younger) had moved into the same block as Mikhail's family two years
ago, and Mikhail had seen Lena for the first time a year ago, after
completing his army training. At that time, Lena had appeared very quiet and
withdrawn, and hadn't seemed to notice him, but then Mikhail had found out
from one of the other guys that Lena had just gone through a messy break up
with her boyfriend and was not in the mood to look for someone new, which
was understandable. Mikhail's bed happened to be right against the wall
separating his family's apartment from next doors, and he assumed that
Lena's bedroom was directly on the other side of that wall, because
sometimes he had overheard her crying at night back then. And he could hear
her much more clearly with a glass pressed against the wall. Most people
would have felt genuine sadness hearing Lena crying like that, but to
Mikhail it only appeared as an opportunity to be let into her life and to
taste her gorgeous little body. I'll be there for you, Lena, I'll comfort
you, I'll make you forget that loser you were with before, if only you would
bloody notice me! But the months had passed by and although Lena seemed
to be in a happier mood as time passed, she had still paid very little
attention to Mikhail.
That was bad ENOUGH, Mikhail thought, but then the stupid woman, for reasons
known only to her, had got together with YURI PETROV! Oh, it made his blood
BOIL! To ignore him for all that time, and then to fall in love with that
flatulent fool, of all men! The worst thing about it was being able to hear
them having sex in Lena's bedroom. The wall wasn't that thin, but Lena had
that cute high pitched voice, and when she made those noises there was no
mistaking what was happening to her. To Mikhail it was a form of torture.
Sometimes he would storm out of the room, unable to bear it. Other times, if
he was lying in bed, he would stuff the pillow over his ears. One time,
being able to only hear Lena's voice and not Yuri's, Mikhail had found
himself becoming very aroused. He'd closed his eyes and mentally visualised
himself, instead of Yuri, thrusting away on top of Lena. Mikhail had been
satisfying himself while fantasising in this way for a few minutes after
Lena and Yuri had finished making love, until he overheard the sound of an
enormous fart. Then he heard Lena bursting into giggles, followed by
embarrassed laughter and an apology from Yuri. Flying into a rage, Mikhail
had smashed his fist into a nearby table, causing his little finger to be
very sore for some days afterwards.
Sasha and Raya hurried outside, Raya carrying the first aid kit and Sasha
holding the ice cubes.
Yuri smiled up at them.
"Awww, Mama... all this is very sweet, but you don't need to make such a
fuss over a little cut and bruise." He blinked, his vision blurred with red
as fresh blood dripped into his eye.
Raya knelt down next to him.
"You'll be grateful for my fussing over you once your adrenaline has worn
off," she said firmly, and set about cleaning the wound. Raya was used to
seeing men putting on brave faces, and it was hard to fool her. As well as
tending to the frequent minor injuries of her son and his friends, Raya had
been a volunteer nurse in a hospital when she was still in her teens, during
the war. That was how she had met Sergei, tending to his bullet wounds and
bringing him his meals each day. Their love quickly grew from a strong
mutual attraction and a need for comfort during the harshest years of both
their lives. Raya had been orphaned. Her parents were killed resisting the
Nazis and her elderly grandparents had died during the Siege of Leningrad, weak from malnutrition and without access to the medicines they needed.
"Is it just your face, are you hurting anywhere else?" Raya asked.
"Er, no, not really. Maybe a few tiny bruises on my back, but they're
nothing."
"Are you sure? It looked like you fell on your back really hard," Sasha
said.
Raya frowned and pulled up Yuri's vest to take a look at his back, which had
several pink marks from heavy friction.
"Can you bend your spine without pain? Lean forward for me- slowly... OK,
now to the side... lean back, gently-"
Leaning back, Yuri suddenly straightened up and winced with pain, his face
going slightly pale.
"Uhh!"
"Ah... you bumped your coccyx again, didn't you."
"My what?"
"Your tailbone. Right, you're sitting off for the rest of the session.
Lena, take this ice cube and wrap it in a piece of dressing for me please."
"It's so weird," Yuri told them. "I swear it didn't hurt as much as that
when I fell on it. Aah! Now it feels painful just sitting normally!"
Raya sighed. "What did I tell you about waiting for the adrenaline to wear
off, Hmmm? You're feeling the pain more now. Ah, thank you Lena. Yuri, undo
your belt."
Yuri did so, and his mother lowered the back of his trousers and underpants.
"OK Lena, hold the ice against his spine, just here," she said, indicating
Yuri's coccyx area. "Yuri, keep holding the other cubes on your eye."
She stood up, hands on hips.
"And are there any other injuries you haven't told me about?"
"No, Mama." Yuri smiled.
"Good," Raya smiled back, her tone softer now, and she leaned over and gave
Yuri a kiss on the forehead. Then she walked over to where her husband was
standing.
"He takes after you, he's as stubborn about admitting pain as you are."
Sergei cracked a cheeky looking grin and let out a dry laugh.
"Heh heh. Good! He's a brave boy."
A few of Yuri's friends raised their eyebrows as they saw Sergei grinning
like this, and wrapping one hand firmly around Raya's hip. It was unusual
for them to see him displaying these affectionate gestures in public.
Usually he always looked so stern!
Sergei and Raya looked on as Yuri shuffled about, trying to find a
comfortable position to sit, before Lena solved the problem by taking off
her jacket and folding it up to make a soft pad for him to sit on. Then,
holding the ice to his spine again, she stroked his sweaty, spiky hair with
her other hand, and the two of them exchanged a look of such tenderness that
it warmed everyone's heart except Mikhail's.
Sergei beamed at his wife. "Aww, look at them, all gooey eyed. Doesn't that
image remind you of something?" he reached up and gently pushed wisps of
Raya's hair back from her cheek.
"Yes, it does," Raya replied with a big smile.
"I look at Yuri and her, and it's almost as if I'm watching myself and you,
all those years ago. I have a very good feeling about those two," Sergei
whispered.
A couple of minutes passed before Sergei's eyes drifted across to Sasha, who
was sitting by himself, looking as if he was in deep thought about
something.
"It's a shame that Sasha hasn't been as lucky so far," Sergei murmured.
"Well, he's only 22, he's got plenty of time left to find someone!" Raya
laughed softly. "He's a sweet boy, it's not as if girls aren't interested in
him. He just hasn't found the right one yet, that's all."
Sergei raised one eyebrow.
"You'd think, working in that restaurant kitchen, surrounded by all those
women, he'd be spoilt for choice, but-"
Sergei's voice trailed off as he was distracted by the sight of someone
approaching, far off on the horizon. Raya followed Sergei's gaze, and then
Sasha, absently glancing in the same direction, suddenly felt a tingle up
his spine and sat up straight.
He could make out the silouette of a man, a big man, a soldier in full Red
Army winter uniform, with the black furry hat and grey greatcoat with big
shoulderpads, and a huge rucksack on his back. A soldier with dark hair and
a black goatee beard, walking in their direction-
Sasha's eyes widened, and his jaw nearly dropped. He blinked rapidly. Was he
dreaming again? But the vision in the distance didn't disappear. The soldier
continued forward. Sasha's heart began to thump in his chest-
"He must be BOILING in this weather," Raya remarked to her husband. "I
wonder what he's doing here, dressed like that."
"He's probably come here on the train from Siberia," Sergei suggested.
Sasha stood up. There was no mistaking it, this wasn't some guy who looked a
lot like Vanya, this was Vanya himself! And for whatever reason, Vanya must
have come here wanting to see him!
Sasha started to walk towards him, wanting to run to him but he couldn't,
not with everyone watching. Anyway, his feet felt weightless, he was so
shocked and so excited, and he thought he might trip over if he walked any
faster. Sasha wondered if this was how it felt to be a cosmonaut, walking in
space-
Now he was close enough to see Vanya's expression. Sasha stopped in his
tracks. He knew that look. It was as if the last time he'd seen Vanya had
been yesterday. Vanya's eyes were fixed on Sasha's face, and they were full
of longing-
Sasha had dreamed of Vanya, and now Vanya had appeared. It was almost enough
to make him believe in God-
Vanya continued walking until he was a metre away from Sasha, then stopped.
His smile grew bigger, then his lips parted, and Sasha already knew what he
was going to say.
"Ah, Comrade Petrov! How LOVELY."
It was the old greeting, the one that Vanya always used to use whenever they
had encountered one another unexpectedly. Sasha, his eyes shining, gave his
familiar reply.
"Ah, Comrade Konchalovsky! How LOVELY."
------------------------
Vanya grinned and spread his arms wide, and Sasha squeezed him in an
embrace. It was a rather clumsy, rough, bearlike hug involving much slapping
of shoulders, the kind of embrace Sasha had seen Yuri and other soldiers use
to greet their friends. Sasha had made a lot of observations about the body
language and gestures of straight guys over the years, and he'd learned to
mimic them quite well when necessary.
"Sorry I didn't write," Vanya said softly, his breath warm next to Sasha's
ear. "I lost your address and could only remember the street, not the block
or apartment number, so I-"
"Shush, shush, don't worry, don't explain now," Sasha whispered hastily. "My
whole family are over there."
They stepped back from the embrace.
"Ah," Vanya said slowly, his eyes scanning the crowd. "I thought so. Which
one's your Papa?"
"The one watching us like a hawk," Sasha replied, pulling an exaggeratedly
scared face, since he knew Sergei could only see the back of his head from
where he was standing. "Tall guy, light brown hair, dark coat."
"Right," Vanya said, keeping a smile on his face to avoid suspicion. "He
looks nothing like you though. Oh dear, I hope he can't lip read."
Sasha was very nervous, but Vanya's humour brought a genuine happy giggle
from the bottom of his chest that seemed to instantly melt away a lot of the
tension like magic.
Now Vanya grinned again, and laughed too.
"Oh Sasha, I've just spotted your Mama. She looks JUST like you! Oh, she's
waving at us. We'd better go over and say hello. Just stay calm, OK? Don't
act as if we've got anything to hide and it will be fine, I'm sure."
"OK," Sasha said. "By the way, watch out for Mikhail, he's the big sour
looking one with the mean eyes and the piggy nose. He HATES people like us,
I've overheard him saying the most sick, disgusting things."
"Ah, thanks for that information, comrade," Vanya said, a mischevious
glimmer briefly flashing in his dark eyes as he glanced in Mikhail's
direction. "I'm sure I'll find it useful."
"But you can trust the blonde girl with the Spanish eyes, her name's Lena.
She knows my secret." Sasha added, smiling.
"Oh, is she your... cover girlfriend?"
"No, she's my brother's girlfriend. Right, we'd better go over there," Sasha
answered, taking a deep breath before turning to face the crowd.
Yuri and Lena were on their feet now, watching curiously as Sasha and Vanya
approached.
"Mama, Papa, Yuri, Lena, this is Vanya Konchalovsky, my friend from the
Army," Sasha announced.
Vanya smiled and nodded at Sasha's parents. "Pleased to meet you, Comrade
Petrov, Comrade Petrova." He shook Sergei's hand and leaned down to kiss
Raya on both cheeks.
"Pleased to meet you, Comrade Konchalovsky," Sergei replied, though he was
wearing a thinly disguised puzzled expression. Who would have thought that
this big, formidable looking specimen of a soldier was a friend of someone
like Sasha? Sergei had at first wondered if Vanya was one of Yuri's friends,
before Sasha had surprised him by getting up and walking to greet him.
Then Vanya turned to Yuri. "Pleased to meet you too, comrade. Sasha told me
you were a keen fighter, you look like one too. That's a big bruise you've
got there."
Yuri grinned, not sure whether to feel proud or embarrassed about the state
of his face.
"Ha ha, this? Sorry to disappoint you, but this one's from a wrestling match
I lost. Nice to meet you too." He shook Vanya's hand. "And this is my lovely
girlfriend, Lena Safanova..."
While Vanya's back was turned, Sergei turned to his wife, one eyebrow
raised.
"I don't remember Sasha telling us anything about this Vanya, do you?" he
whispered.
Raya laughed.
"Of course he did, don't you remember? He wrote us that letter saying how he
was less scared of training now he'd made a good friend who'd taken him
under his wing. You ought to be very grateful to Vanya for helping our son
out."
"Hmmm, now you mention it, I do remember Sasha writing something along those
lines," Sergei said quietly, thinking. "Good thing he had a strong friend to
protect him from being harrassed by some filthy pervert queer out there, you
know how worried I was about that," he added under his breath.
Raya's blood ran cold seeing the look in her husband's eyes as he said the
words 'filthy pervert queer', and for a brief moment the rosy colour faded
from her pink cheeks.
"Oh, sorry," Sergei said quickly, misintrepreting the reason for Raya's
stricken expression. "I shouldn't say things like that, putting such
horrible images into your head, that was bad of me. Don't think about those
things, Raya."
Raya regained her composure, quickly approaching Vanya to distract herself.
"Vanya... I made some redcurrant squash with cucumber pieces for the boys
earlier this afternoon, would you like to have some? I'm sure you could do
with a nice cold drink after coming all this way wearing your winter
uniform. Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to ask, where have you just travelled
from?"
"Oh Comrade Petrova, I'd LOVE some!" Vanya beamed. "Sasha told me he learned
all his cookery skills from you, so I'm sure your homemade juice will taste
wonderful! I was based just east of the Urals, I came up here on the
Trans-Siberian railway. My home's in Moscow, but I came straight through to
Leningrad, I'm going to stay at my cousin's place while I'm on leave. And of
course I hoped to see Sasha too, it's been a very long time since we last
met."
"Well, it's lovely to see you here. You can call me Raya by the way. I'll go
up to the kitchen and get your juice now."
"Thank you, Raya," Vanya smiled, his eyes following her as she turned and
headed towards the apartment block, her plait gently swinging behind her.
They say mothers always know, he thought. He was quite sure just from the
way she had looked at him, from the look in her eyes, that Raya most likely
knew her eldest son's secret.
Just then, Mikhail strolled over to where Vanya, Sasha, Yuri and Lena were
standing.
"I hear you're from Moscow, Comrade Konchalovsky?"
His tone was openly slightly menacing, and the 'Comrade' part sounded
sarcastic. Vanya raised an eyebrow.
"I am. What of it?"
"Well, me and a couple of the guys over there wanted to give you a proper
welcome to Leningrad. And, since I'm the only one who measures up to your
size, I'd like to challenge you to a little wrestling match."
Sasha, Yuri and Lena were struck dumb, shocked at such arrogance, even from
Mikhail! But Vanya seemed unpertubed, apart from a slight look of disdain in
his eyes, as if he pitied Mikhail rather than being annoyed by him.
"And what's your name, comrade?"
"Kulik. Mikhail Grigoryevich."
"Well, Mikhail Grigoryevich, I have to say I've always seen the
Moscow-Leningrad rivalry thing as pointless, really. I don't think it should
have a place in our society. We should be beyond that kind of thing. I mean,
we're not like those brainless football hooligans in England, are we?"
Mikhail narrowed his eyes and snorted. It was clear to Vanya that this was
the face of a nasty, spoiled bully who was not used to being stood up to.
"So, you're scared, hmmm? Figures, you boys from Moscow are all talk."
Vanya gave a short laugh and smirked back at Mikhail.
"Did I say I wouldn't accept your challenge? I'll take you on, Mikhail. But
this fight will just be between me and you, not between our home cities.
After all, it would be a great insult to Leningrad and all its heroes to be
represented by someone like you."
He casually turned to Sasha. "Right, I'll have to take this gear off. Hold
my things for me, will you comrade?"
Mikhail turned completely purple with rage, his massive body straightening
up and stiffening like a hair on an angry cat's back.
"You're going to regret saying that, I promise you!" he hissed quietly.
"Hmmm, we'll see, we'll see," Vanya replied with a smile, unclipping the
buckle of his belt. He took it off and handed it to Sasha before taking off
his hat and unbuttoning his greatcoat.
Sergei, standing a few metres away, had overheard most of this exchange, and
for a moment contemplated stepping in and giving Mikhail a telling off for
his rude, conceited, embarrassing behaviour. However, he was also very
curious to see what might happen, and Vanya's composure and attitude had
impressed him. Sergei decided it would be much more interesting to simply
stand back and watch.
Sasha's heart was starting to thump harder again. Vanya was an excellent
wrestler, he knew that, and he could see that Vanya's confidence now was
genuine, not faked. But Mikhail was such a thug, and Sasha couldn't help
worrying that there was a possibilty Vanya might get hurt, particularly now
he'd pissed Mikhail off, he'd never seen Mikhail look so angry before!
Vanya handed his coat to Sasha with a look that said, don't worry, I'll
be fine. Sasha's nostrils dilated, breathing in the familiar warm,
musky, manly scent of his former lover, and felt his cheeks growing hot.
Vanya's body looked even stronger and more beautiful than he remembered.
Without the greatcoat on, Vanya was smaller than Mikhail, but not much. And
Vanya was fitter too. Mikhail might have weighed a bit more, but those extra
kilos were probably fat, not muscle.
Meanwhile, Yuri was also watching Vanya closely, but with envious
admiration. Vanya carried himself as if he had balls of iron! Yuri wished he
could be so strong, calm and self assured, or at least come across that way
on the outside!
Vanya bent over to undo his boots, humming 'Korobeiniki' under his breath.
Sasha felt himself blushing hotter as he tried not to stare at Vanya's
gorgeous big, muscular bum. His hand felt sweaty as he held Vanya's metal
belt buckle, his fingertips rubbing nervously on its hammer and sickle
emblem.
Now the boots and socks were off. Vanya turned back to Sasha and grinned.
"Heh heh, don't worry, you don't have to hold these, I know how smelly my
feet are. Ooooh, it's such a relief to get those boots off!"
Sasha smiled. Vanya's boots were indeed smelly, they had often been smelly
in the past, and they smelled extra strongly today. But Sasha didn't mind.
When you love someone, you can put up with their smells, he thought. Lena
didn't mind when Yuri needed to fart, and Sasha certainly wasn't repelled by
Vanya having smelly feet.
Mikhail rolled his eyes.
"Are you FINALLY ready now? I haven't got all day!" he snapped crossly.
Vanya sighed. "Patience, comrade!"
He stood up, stretched out his arms and quickly gave his feet and ankles a
good shake. Then he turned to Yuri.
"Will you give us the signal to begin?"
"Sure," Yuri nodded.
Vanya and Mikhail got into ready positions. All eyes were on them now. For 7
seconds, there was complete silence, apart from the noise of the traffic and
the birds singing.
"NOW!"
It all happened in the space of five seconds. Mikhail, lips curled back in a
snarl, flung himself against Vanya with all his strength. Sasha breathed in
sharply as Vanya, without seeming to resist apart from taking hold of
Mikhail's arms, toppled backwards onto the grass, rolling onto his back- and
then, to everyone's surprise, instead of staying down, continued to roll
backwards, carrying all Mikhail's momentum, and suddenly Mikhail went
flying! Vanya, with the grace of a skilled gymnast, flicked his legs over
his shoulder, got his feet on the ground and jumped up as Mikhail crash
landed on his back with a high pitched squeal of pain. In an instant, Vanya
was on top of him and had him firmly restrained on the ground.
Then there was cheering and clapping from all around. Yuri and most of his
friends were wide eyed in amazement, and Sasha had a huge grin on his face.
Oh Vanya, my glorious hero! he thought. And then he had to suck in his
cheeks to prevent himself bursting out laughing at the shocked and outraged
expression on Mikhail's face. Oh, if only Mikhail knew he'd just been
floored and defeated by a 'poof'!
Vanya released Mikhail and stood up, holding out his hand.
"Are you OK, Mikhail?" he asked, politely. "I hope I didn't hurt you, you
landed quite hard. When I first learned that move, the sacrifice throw, we
practised on mats. I'm sorry, I automatically used the first technique that
came into my head."
Mikhail pulled himself up, simmering with fury.
"I'm fine, thank you Konchalovsky! You just caught me off guard, that's
all."
It was clear to everyone watching that Mikhail was in quite a bit of pain by
the way he was standing, his back slightly hunched over, but he wasn't going
to admit it out loud to anyone. His pale blue eyes scanned the faces of the
other men, and he felt a cold chill in his chest as he saw that most of them
were staring at Vanya in awe and admiration! Collective adulation, almost!
Ugh, UGH! Mikhail thought. Like a flock of bloody SHEEP, staring at this
cocky bastard from Moscow like a bunch of bloody QUEERS! It made him SICK!
He turned to Pavel, one of his so-called friends.
"I'm going for a piss, I'll see you later," he scowled, and slunk off.
"Yeah, see you," Pavel replied absently.
Now Raya was back with glasses of redcurrant squash on a tray, and Vanya
enjoyed a well deserved cool drink. Yuri hurried up to him with an excited
grin on his face, almost bouncing on the tips of his toes.
"Please comrade, teach me that sacrifice throw!"
"Of course, it would be a pleasure to exchange skills and knowledge with you
and your friends. I wouldn't keep my techniques a secret from anyone in
Leningrad, we all belong to the same army after all. If we all learn from
each other, we'll all benefit," Vanya said.
Lena smiled. "Co-operation is better than competition, eh? We all learned
that lesson at school, but I think Mikhail must have forgotten it," she
laughed.
"Ha ha, too right," Yuri agreed. "Could you show me that move again today,
do you have time?" he asked Vanya.
"I'd love to teach you it right now, Yuri, if you weren't injured. But don't
worry. I'll be in Leningrad for a while, I'm staying at my cousin's, south
of the Neva. I can come back here next weekend and we can devote an
afternoon to teaching each other what we know, how does that sound?"
"That would be great!" Yuri beamed. "My tailbone should be fine in a day or
two, I'll be in perfect shape by next weekend."
"OK, that's agreed then," Vanya told him. "Sasha can give me your number,
I'll call you sometime during the week."
"Hey Yuri," Andrei called. "Me and the others reckon it's time to wrap up
the session for today, we're knackered and Mikhail's buggered off
somewhere."
Yuri checked his watch. "Well, it has been 3 hours since we started. I'm
going to go inside and shower."
He shook Vanya's hand again. "Nice meeting you, comrade, I look forward to
training with you next week."
"You too," Vanya smiled.
Yuri turned to Lena and hugged her tight. "I'll come around at 5, OK?" Then
he lovingly ruffled her soft hair and gave her a kiss.
"I'll make you something nice," Lena told him. "Oh, and try to keep that eye
cool for as long as you can."
"I will."
Yuri headed towards the apartment, followed by his parents, who waved at
Vanya before heading inside. Then Sasha and Vanya looked at each other,
smiles growing. Finally they were alone! Well, except for Lena being there,
but she was safe!
Lena turned to Vanya. "I'm in on your secret," she said quietly. " I suppose
you two have been waiting to get some space by yourselves to talk one to
one, eh?"
Vanya sighed with relief. "We certainly have. Sasha told me you knew about
us, by the way. Do you know a good place, somewhere indoors?"
Lena smiled. "I think I can help you. I live just a couple of blocks away,
and my mother and stepfather are away for the weekend. Yuri's coming around
at 5, but you've got an hour until then. I'll say I invited you round to
show you my artwork."
-----
Lena opened the door to her bedroom and showed Vanya and Sasha inside. She
was all smiles, but Sasha could tell she was a little tense underneath.
"I'll leave you two in here, OK? If you need anything just come and let me
know, I'll be in the kitchen." Lena paused, rubbing at the inside of her
elbow uneasily.
"Are you OK, Lena?" Sasha asked.
Lena took a deep breath.
"I'm fine, I'm just a bit nervous." She looked at Vanya.
"Vanya, I promise you I have no problem with people like you and Sasha.
You're welcome to use the privacy of my room... but please, be careful not
to leave any evidence behind. I don't mean to offend you, but Sasha's
brother will be coming here straight after you, and he doesn't know about
Sasha, so-"
Vanya touched her shoulder, his eyes sympathetic.
"I understand. Please don't worry, I'm not offended. In any case, I just
came up here to talk, nothing more. Thanks for offering us the space, I
appreciate it."
Sasha felt a lump in his throat. "I just came up here to talk, nothing
more." Sasha had not been expecting Vanya to make love to him in Lena's
bed, but those words made him wonder whether Vanya had come to Leningrad
wanting to resume their affair, as he had hoped. Perhaps Vanya only wanted
to catch up with him as a friend. Had he mistaken the lovely warm, longing
look he'd seen in Vanya's eyes less than an hour before?
"OK, I'll leave you to it," Lena smiled, and closed the door.
Sasha felt himself trembling as he sat down on Lena's bed next to where
Mishka, Lena's big grey cat, was curled up in a snug circle. Mishka raised
her head with a soft chirruping noise and looked up at Sasha before glancing
curiously at Vanya, who remained standing. Sasha bit his lip and looked at
the floor, afraid that if he met Vanya's eyes he might start to cry.
"Sasha, look at me," Vanya said softly. "I would have written to tell you I
was coming if I'd remembered your full address, I know it must have given
you a shock me turning up here without a warning. I didn't mean to cause you
any stress."
Sasha didn't look up, but his eyes brimmed with hot tears.
"Vanya... tell me... do you... do you still love me?"
Vanya knelt down in front of Sasha, looked at him tenderly, and gently wiped
a tear off Sasha's cheek.
"I do. Sasha, I admit it... I never stopped loving you. But if you have a
new boyfriend now, it's OK. I won't ask to you to take me back unless you
still want me." Vanya's voice was now shaky too, though his eyes remained
dry.
Sasha stared at him for a few seconds, too shocked to speak. Then he threw
his arms around Vanya and squeezed him tight, shaking with sobs. Mishka,
startled by the noise, leapt off the bed.
"Oh VANYA! VanYUSHKA! I never stopped loving you either! I don't have any
other boyfriend now, I only really wanted you!" Sasha cried.
At that moment, Mikhail emerged from the lift in the corridor outside and
walked grumpily and rather painfully towards his family's apartment. Just as
he stopped outside the door, reaching for his key, he heard a muffled noise
from Lena's flat. It was the sound of someone crying, but it wasn't Lena. It
sounded like a MAN crying!
Mikhail froze there for a second, eyes wide. It must be Yuri crying in
there, he thought. Perhaps Lena had just dumped him! Mikhail's heart leapt
with excitement, and as quickly and quietly as he could manage, he unlocked
the door, hurried to the kitchen to grab a glass, then dashed into his
bedroom and pressed himself up against the wall, listening.
In Lena's bedroom, Vanya gently rocked Sasha in his arms.
"Shhhh... it's OK... shhhh... oh Sasha, Sashenka, my sweetheart... I never
wanted you to suffer! Oh my poor Sasha! I only ended it between us back then
because I wanted you to be free. You were so young, and I didn't want you to
be lonely, waiting for me. I thought at the time it was the right thing to
do... but when you wrote to me last year and told me about Dmitri, I
realised what an idiot I'd been, letting myself lose you. I was very
jealous, but I never told you so, because I wanted you to be happy. But I
couldn't forget you... I had two short flings, but they meant nothing.
Sasha, I swear it, I've never loved any other man in the same way I've loved
you!"
"Vanya, I never loved Dmitri either, not in the way I loved you!" Sasha
gasped. "And ever since I broke up with him, I've only thought about you.
I've kept dreaming about you, only last night I dreamed of you! I love you
more than any other man too! Oh Vanya, I love you so much! And I'm so, so,
SO happy you still love me too!"
Vanya squeezed Sasha and kissed his head.
"So am I. Please forgive me Sasha... I wish I'd known better back then!"
"You're here now, and that's all that matters," Sasha sniffed. "Oh dear, I'm
sorry for crying so loud! The neighbours will wonder what's going on. I just
couldn't hold it in. I...I know it sounds like a cliche, Vanya, but this is
a dream come true for me, literally. I feel like this is too beautiful to be
true, I'm scared that any moment now I'll wake up and you won't be there-"
Sasha's voice again dissolved into sobs.
Vanya held Sasha tight, making soothing noises and stroking his back, and
when Sasha had got his breath back and looked into Vanya's face again, he
saw that there were now tears on Vanya's cheeks too.
"This is reality, Sasha. I'm here. And tomorrow morning, when you open your
eyes, I'll be there next to you, if you come with me to my cousin's place
tonight."
Sasha's wet, swollen eyes widened.
"Your cousin's place... so it was true, what you told my mother?"
"Yes. Would I lie to your Mama? My cousin lives here in Leningrad, she got
married last year. Don't worry, she knows about me and she's fine with it."
"And her husband?" Sasha asked.
Vanya gave a cheeky smile and stroked his beard.
"Ah. Well... he doesn't know. But that's not a problem at the moment.
They're both in Moscow with her in-laws. They'll be there for the next two
weeks."
On the other side of the wall, Mikhail's brain was reeling from shock and
disgust! He could barely take in all this at once. Yuri's brother turning
out to be a homosexual wasn't such a surprise, Mikhail thought, but
Konchalovsky, HIM? Hearing those words, and recognising the voices saying
them, had knocked the breath out of Mikhail's chest like a mallet! He'd been
so stunned by it, he'd forgotten to breathe properly! And now his mind was
whirling with other questions. Did Yuri know about this? He couldn't know,
could he? Sergei couldn't know, Mikhail thought, he was sure of that. Shit!
If Sergei Petrov found out his son was a queer, he'd hit the roof, he'd want
to kill him, and he'd want to wring Vanya's neck too! Mikhail's heart
thumped harder and faster as ideas for revenge already began to take shape
in his head. He couldn't believe his luck overhearing this, this was a
bombshell alright! In just a few minutes, he'd learned something that, if it
came out in the open, would change the Petrov's lives forever! It gave
Mikhail such a rush, such a feeling of power, he literally felt quite dizzy!
Then, suddenly, another thought hit him. Lena! Vanya and Sasha were in her
room- she must have known about them! She was protecting their secret!
Mikhail narrowed his eyes into slits as his brief euphoria gave way to
furious bitterness. Ugh! Such a sweet, innocent little face, he'd never have
guessed she'd be happy to allow a pair of queers to slobber all over each
other in her bedroom! It made Mikhail feel sick! Now he was angry with Lena
too, though he still wanted her! God, that woman drove him up the WALL!
"Sasha, I can't promise we'll be able to see each other very often in the
future... but I can promise you this," Vanya whispered.
"I promise you that from now on, I will be faithful to you. If Lena can wait
for Yuri when he goes back to the army, there's no reason why we can't wait
for each other."
"I promise to be faithful too," Sasha said solemly. Then Vanya leaned in and
kissed Sasha on the lips. Sasha opened his mouth for Vanya's warm tongue and
sucked its tip, pulling it deeper inside. They pressed their bodies close
and ran their fingers through each other's hair as they continued their
kiss, Sasha leaning back on the bed, Vanya on top of him. For several
minutes, dizzy with excitement, their surroundings seemed to melt into the
background, and all Sasha felt aware of was Vanya's presence combined with
his own. There was no doubt, no worry, only positive emotions and
long-missed physical sensations. Sasha giggled ecstatically as Vanya pounced
on him from behind and pinched his nipples. His body tingled all over as
Vanya kissed his neck and licked and sucked his earlobes. Mishka watched
them from her perch on a nearby chair.
Breathless, Sasha tipped his head back onto the pillow. His eyes suddenly
widened as he noticed the clock.
"Vanya! How long have we been here?"
Vanya looked up.
"Oops! Time flies, eh? We'd better head to your apartment so you can get
your toothbrush and things."
He sat up and smoothed down his shirt and his ruffled dark brown hair,
grinning at Sasha.
"Sorry... I couldn't help it... I got carried away then. I've been
fantasising about playing with you for so long. Never mind, when we get to
my cousin's we can continue where we left off, hmmm?"
Sasha's eyes lit up. "Oooooh, I can't WAIT!"
They got up and carefully straightened the covers on Lena's bed. Sasha
suddenly noticed a damp patch.
"Oh dear, I'm such a crybaby! Look, my tears made a mark. I'd better tell
Lena."
"I'm sure she has another blanket, don't worry so much," Vanya soothed. "And
if she hasn't, that mark could be anything, a spilled glass of water maybe."
At that moment, there was a knock on the door.
"Are you two OK? I'm sorry, but you can't stay much longer, Yuri will be
here in ten minutes," Lena called.
Three minutes later, Vanya and Sasha were ready and on their way. Far above
their heads, Mikhail watched them from his window, his nose wrinkled and his
lip curled with hate. He wished he knew exactly where it was they were
going. Sergei would get the shock of his life if his son was arrested for a
public homosexual act, the shame of it would shake him forever! But Vanya
and Sasha would be way too careful to risk trying anything in public. A
pity, Mikhail thought, but he had a different idea anyway, a much better
idea. If things went to plan, he could get revenge on Yuri and Vanya in one
go! And he had plans for Lena too. He didn't think she'd go along with them
willingly, but if her little queer friend's secret was at risk of being
spilled, and her stupid boyfriend's family's honour was at stake too, then
that might change things. He might just get to taste her body after all, if
he played his cards right. Oh, she'd hate him for it alright, but so what?
The silly little bitch had brought it all on herself in the first place by
ignoring him and by hanging around with queers!
As Vanya and Sasha disappeared into the distance, Mikhail turned away from
the window, stroking his lip with his finger. He needed a drink to calm his
nerves, he thought, and after that he'd think through his ideas in more
detail.
-----
Lena's hands were slightly shaky as she artistically arranged slices of red
pepper in a circular pattern around the edge of a plate. While Sasha and
Vanya had been talking, she had immersed herself in the process of making
the food look and taste as nice as possible. If anything she'd gone a bit
over the top, she thought, maybe she'd made too many plates of tapas, and
she hoped Yuri would have room in his belly to manage it all along with the
main course. He probably would, wrestling always made him ravenous
afterwards. Lena sighed, her heart was beating too fast and she was itching
inside her elbows. She wished she didn't get stressed so easily! After all,
telling a few minor lies to cover up for Sasha was nothing compared to
living with a secret like his every day of his life!
Lena quickly washed her hands before checking her reflection in a mirror.
Her hair was all over the place, part of her fringe was sticking straight up
in the air, her face was slightly flushed and her eyes looked so big and
worried! Sighing again, Lena splashed her face with cold water and tidied up
her hair. Be happy and stop being so stupid, she thought to herself. After
all, Yuri would be arriving any moment, and she WAS happy about that, and
excited that they had the whole flat to themselves tonight. She would just
focus on Yuri, nothing else, she told herself, and everything would be fine!
At that moment, she heard Yuri knock at the door. She took a deep breath,
put on a smile and hurried to let him in.
"Ah, my little arctic vixen!" Yuri smiled, and hugged Lena straight away. It
was only when she'd stepped back again that Lena realised how bad his eye
looked now. Despite the ice applied earlier, the skin was purple and very
swollen, especially underneath the eyebrow. Yuri's eyelid was also puffy,
and there were a couple of tiny red bruises on the white of his eye. His
healthy eye looked happy, but tired too, and his smile wasn't as broad as it
normally was.
"Yuri, you poor baby!" Lena gasped.
"Heh heh... I'm not a pretty sight tonight, eh?" Yuri laughed dryly. It was
a laugh that sounded unfamiliar coming out of Yuri's mouth, and Lena
realised that it sounded similar in tone to the dry laugh she'd sometimes
heard from his father.
"Please don't worry, I promise you it's not as painful as it looks, really,"
Yuri added. "Hey, I bumped into Sasha and Vanya on my way here, Vanya told
me he loved your artwork. They said they're going to have dinner at Vanya's
cousin's place tonight. It's great to see Sasha looking happy again, he's
been feeling a bit down lately."
"Yeah, it's great to see him feeling better," Lena smiled. "Want to see what
I've made you for dinner?"
Yuri's smile faded.
"Well... I can smell it, and it's delicious, but, er... do you mind if we
wait a while before we eat?"
"Oh?" Lena looked at him, concerned. "Aren't you hungry? Are you feeling
OK?"
Yuri bit his lip and blushed a little. "My belly doesn't feel very good,
it's all bloated. Actually it feels worse than my tailbone at the moment."
"Oh... you poor thing! Hey, don't worry about the food, I can put it away
and we can eat when you feel better, eh?" Lena reached out and rubbed Yuri's
back. "Maybe I can make you something for your tummy, hmmm?"
Yuri shifted his weight from one foot to the other awkwardly.
"No, you don't need to do that... my stomach's not upset, it's just full of
air. I get that all the time, it's nothing. I always get wind when I
wrestle, it's just the way my body reacts to the excitement."
Lena frowned. "But it usually comes straight out, doesn't it? You don't
normally find it painful."
"Yeah well, I was a little bit more stressed than normal today. I think I'll
feel better if I lie down for a bit."
"OK, you go to my room and I'll put this food away. I'll be with you in a
minute," Lena told him.
When she came into the bedroom, Yuri was lying on his side with his eyes
closed, looking more weary than she'd ever seen him look before. He opened
his right eye to look at her as she approached, his injured eye remaining
closed. Lena climbed onto the bed making soothing noises, and gently stroked
Yuri's hair. Yuri gave a long sigh.
"Mmmmm.... Lena?"
"What is it?"
"Can you rub my tummy, like you did that time I ate that dodgy food at
Pavel's? I think that would help."
Lena smiled. "Ah, OK. I'll just open the window first."
Mishka jumped onto the bed and nuzzled Yuri's chin with her face. Yuri
reached out and tickled her around her ears.
"Mishka, if I were you, I'd evacuate this room very soon, don't say I didn't
warn you," her told her.
Lena lay next to Yuri, loosened his trousers and began stroking his swollen
belly, her warm hand moving in slow, gentle circles on his skin. Yuri tipped
his head back and closed his eyes. After about a minute of Lena's belly
rubbing, Yuri's bottom erupted with wind. It was a very loud and violent
noise, similar to machine gun fire, and poor Mishka flew off the bed and out
of the room. Yuri gave a big gasp of relief.
"Ah... sorry I scared Mishka... but I had to do that...it was really
hurting."
"Ssssh, it's OK," Lena whispered, and carried on stroking Yuri's belly.
After a few more minutes, and several more noisy farts, Yuri's abdomen had
finally fully deflated, and now he could lie comfortably on his belly,
resting the right side of his face on Lena's chest. Mishka slowly peeped
around the door before cautiously walking back into the room and jumping
onto the window sill.
"You know, Sasha told me that sometimes his stomach plays up when he's upset
about something," Lena said, stroking Yuri's hair. " People react to stress
in different ways, with me, my skin itches. Is there something that's
bothering you?"
"Nothing important," Yuri murmured. "And Sasha and me are different, I don't
get proper stomach upsets. It's only air."
"Even if it's not important... do you want to tell me anyway?" Lena asked.
Yuri opened his eyes. He knew exactly what it was that was bothering him,
and he wished he could tell someone about it. But he was ashamed that he let
this problem upset him so much, it made him feel weak. He WISHED he could
tell Lena, but he couldn't, he just couldn't! He shut his eyes again.
"No... it was a stupid thing, and I'll feel better if I forget it." Yuri
muttered, and nuzzled his face deeper into Lena's breasts.
Lena looked down at him sadly, she wished he would talk to her about
whatever it was! But Yuri was very stubborn about these things, and Lena
thought that if she nagged him to tell her now, when he was tired and down
and wanted to forget, she might only make him grumpy. Maybe, when they'd
been together a bit longer, he might find it a bit easier to open up to her,
she hoped so anyway! She remembered Sasha's words to her in the restaurant
kitchen, a couple of days after she'd first met Yuri.
"He has a sensitive side underneath all that bravado, but very few people
can bring it out. You're perfect, Lena, Yuri needs someone who is sweet like
you. You can give him that tenderness he needs."
"Well, if you ever do want to tell me, let me know, hmmm?" Lena kissed
Yuri's forehead.
Yuri lay there quietly for a long time as Lena gently caressed his head, his
warm breath making a moist patch on her skin. He looked almost as if he was
sleeping, apart from a slight crease of his brows. Lena could tell he was
deep in thought.
"Lena?" Yuri whispered.
"What is it?"
"Do you remember the first time you saw me, the first time we met?"
"Yes, I remember it very well," Lena smiled.
"I was just thinking... the first time you saw me... I'd just been flattened
by Mikhail, I was in a pathetic state. What did you see in me? Did you feel
sorry for me?"
Lena's eyes widened. "Of course not! Well, of course I was concerned that
you were OK, he winded you badly. But you never looked pathetic to me!"
"Well, I couldn't have looked that tough or attractive either. So what was
it you saw in me?" Yuri looked straight into her face with his battered eye.
"You think that losing made you look weak, then?" Lena raised her eyebrows.
"You're forgetting something, Yuri. I saw the whole fight, not just you
losing. And you know something? I thought you had a lot of guts taking on a
guy Mikhail's size. I could see it wasn't easy for you, I could see you had
to struggle much harder than he did. You had passion in your eyes that the
others didn't have, and I really admired that. And I just liked your face
too, your personality, I felt attracted to you straight away. And I am fussy
you know, I'm not attracted to just anyone," she said firmly.
Yuri could tell Lena was telling the truth, or at least saying what she
honestly BELIEVED to be the truth, and hearing this made him feel better.
"Thanks, that makes me feel good," Yuri told her. "But still, I can't help
wondering sometimes that I don't deserve you... you could do much better
than me. There are so many guys much stronger than me-"
"What, do you think women always find the physically strongest guys the most
attractive?" Lena interrupted, shocked. "Well, I don't! I do admire your
strength, Yuri, I'm not denying that. But if I went for the biggest,
strongest guy, regardless of his personality, I'd be being just as shallow
as those women in America who go for the richest guy, the one with the
nicest car, the most expensive clothes. And they marry that man for his
money, but then they cheat on him with a guy they find more sexually
attractive. My attraction to you is based on LOVE!" she said fervently.
Yuri smiled. "Well said. I'm sorry Lena, I was in a silly mood, so I was
thinking silly things. But when you tell me things like what you just said,
I realise how true it is. I love the way you say things with passion like
that!"
"And I love lots of things about you," Lena told him, stroking his earlobe
with the tip of her finger. "I love your determination. I love the way you
look so cute when you blush. I love hearing you sing. I love your uneven
smile. I love stroking your hair. I love the way you smell when you're
freshly showered, and I love the way you smell when you sweat. I love
watching your bum straining at the seams of your trousers when you wrestle.
And I love it when you take me in your arms and make love to me standing
up."
Yuri exhaled slowly. "Lena, you're making me horny," he whispered, a grin
spreading across his face. "Tell me more things you love about me."
-----
That night, Sasha slept with a smile on his face, wrapped in Vanya's
protective embrace. It was the first night he and Vanya had ever had the
chance to sleep together in a proper bed, and it was a novelty that they
very much appreciated. Sasha had never felt so cosy in his life as he did
that night, his buttocks resting snugly in Vanya's lap, Vanya's strong arms
around his shoulders. Three times he woke up in the night, sure everything
that had happened that day had been a dream, but each time, to his immense
relief and happiness, he felt Vanya still holding him. Sasha could barely
believe how lucky he was.
----
This story takes place after the Woodridge men at Wentworth have been allowed to mix with the women, but before Pixie's rape and Myra and Geoff confessing their feelings for one another. In the original episodes of Prisoner, Ray was often mentioned in the dialogue during this era of the show, but never appeared on screen after episode 506 (I guess Alex Menglet was too busy to come back).
It was midday at Wentworth and Ray Proctor was in a cheerful mood. By Wentworth's standards, it had been a peaceful morning, and he felt a little more relaxed than usual. Myra and the other girls had done a wonderful job getting lunch prepared and had finished ahead of schedule, and what was more, both Miss Ferguson and Mr Murphy were on night shift, giving Ray a welcome break from their presence during his working hours.
Ray had seen Mr Murphy driving home from the prison early that morning, as he was on his way to work. Ray had been crossing the road when he suddenly heard a car horn honk loudly and impatiently. Ray had jumped, and looked around in surprise, how RUDE, the traffic lights were still red! And then, seeing Mr Murphy at the steering wheel, Ray had given him a sparkling grin and ran extra camply in front of his car to the opposite pavement, bouncing on his toes and flapping his hands girlishly in front of his chest. Behind him, the lights changed to green, and Ray had giggled as he heard Mr Murphy angrily revving his engine before accelerating away.
Now alone in the kitchen (the women had taken the food trolleys out to the Dining Room) Ray began to hum to himself, softly and quietly at first, then louder as he filled the sink with water, ready for the dirty cooking pots.
"Hm HMMM hm hm hm hm, HM hm hm HM HMMMM..."
Behind Ray, the swinging doors parted and Myra walked in, pushing a now empty trolley. Myra listened for a few seconds, then a smile grew on her lips.
"Eh... Ray... am I imagining it, or are you humming the theme tune from The Smurfs?"
Ray turned around with a big grin on his face.
"I certainly was! Do you watch that show too, Myra petal?"
"Wellll..." Myra thought for a few seconds. "I have seen the odd episode here and there, but I can't say I'm a regular viewer, no. If the girls saw me watching it, they'd think their Top Dog was a softie and I'd lose face." She grinned and winked.
" Well, I LOVE it, and I'm not embarrassed to admit it, " Ray replied, his eyes shining. "It's the best show I've ever seen since I came to Australia. I think whoever thought up the idea of the Smurfs should be given a prize for cultural achievement. Did you know, they even have a Smurf like ME in the Smurf village?"
Myra raised one eyebrow.
"Hmm, I'm not sure I know what you mean..."
"He wears a FLOWER on his hat. And he always carries a mirror with him."
"Ahh! You mean Vanity Smurf."
"He's NOT vain. He's just fussy about his appearance. And he IS one of us, it's obvious. But all the other Smurfs completely accept him and include him in everything, and no one calls him bad names, and everyone's so kind to each other... oh Myra, if only people lived like the Smurfs, it would be heaven on Earth!" Ray bounced on his toes and clapped his hands together.
"Well, I have to agree with you there, " Myra laughed.
Ray was happy that Myra had been assigned to the Kitchen that day, and he wished she could be there more often. Most days she worked in the Laundry instead. It was funny, the first time he'd met her, she'd seemed like such a scary lady, but he soon realised that she was one of the warmest and friendliest women at Wentworth. Sometimes Myra had her grumpy days, but it was always for a good reason, she was either worried about the other girls, or about her son or daughter. She was that way because she cared.
"I'm going to sing that song while we tidy up," Ray told her. "You can join in if you want."
"Ha ha, I don't think so, you haven't heard my singing voice." Myra looked slightly embarrassed.
Ray skipped around the tables, gathering the big pots and singing.
"La LAA la la la la, sing a happy song! La LAA la la la la, Smurf the whole day long!"
Myra laughed. "Ahh, bugger it. Why the hell not?"
Then she joined in.
"La LAA la la la la, sing a happy song..."
The two of them continued singing until Joyce Barry appeared in the Kitchen doorway. She smiled and gave a little cough.
"La LAA- oh, Mrs BARRY! How lovely to see you!" Ray greeted her. Myra smiled and began to scrub the pots.
"Well, it IS nice to see you so cheerful!" Joyce beamed. Myra giggled to herself, only Mrs Barry would react like that.
"Everything going to schedule, Ray? No problems?"
"Everything's GREAT, Mrs Barry... but, now you mention it, I do need to ask you a small favour."
"Oh?"
"Well, I just remembered, I need to drop into one of the shops nearby... I'll only be 20 minutes or so, but I thought I should tell you, in case there has to be someone here to supervise the girls."
"Well... that isn't a problem at all, I can stay here while you're gone."
"Thank you sweetie- ah- I mean, thank you Mrs Barry. I'll just be a couple of ticks!"
Ray skipped out of the Kitchen, leaving behind a blushing Joyce.
"Sweetie..." she slowly repeated to herself.
Myra chuckled.
---
By now the sun was high in the sky. Ray normally avoided going outside in the midday heat, but today it had to be done, because the dessert that evening was going to be Vanilla Pudding, and Ray had run low on vanilla essence. These days the Department was much more stingy with the quantity and quality of food supplies issued to Wentworth, making Ray feel guilty for sneakily taking home food in the past. Obviously his previous order lists- calculated to generously feed all the girls and leave extra goodies for himself- had been considered too extravagant, and now they were having a crackdown. So now when he was short of ingredients he had to buy them himself. This meant that he had less money to spend on clothes and going out, but feeding the girls was more important, it was only fair. As for the vanilla essence running out, he knew he had no one but himself to blame, because he was always dabbing it behind his ears and on his wrists. He loved the smell of it, and it helped him to feel nice and fresh while working in the heat of the kitchen all day.
Ray was halfway to the gate when he caught sight of the three Woodridge men working in the garden, and he froze on the spot in surprise. He'd been in on the secret when the men had first been brought in, and he'd heard a lot about them from the officers and the women, but his was the first time he'd seen them with his own eyes.
None of them had spotted him yet. Two of them, a stocky looking young man and an older man with a slim but still strong body and grey hair, had their heads down, digging out weeds. The third man was slacking off, leaning on his spade, with his head turned in the opposite direction, watching out for Pat Slattery, who was standing several metres down the hill, her attention elsewhere. But just as Ray looked at him, Frank turned around. Ugh, what an horrible face! Ray thought. Like a rat from the sewer! Immediately he could guess who was who, and with Frank Burke watching him, he didn't want to hang around. Ray looked straight ahead, ignoring Frank's gaze, and hurried towards the gate.
Frank strolled over to Matt and nudged him with his toe.
"Hey Delaney, you're in luck, it's that poof from the kitchen!"
Matt stood up and glared at him. "What are you talking about?"
"Down there. Near the gate. He was staring at your bum just a second ago." Frank grinned and gave a filthy laugh. "His eyeballs were on STALKS! You shoulda SEEN it!"
Matt's eyes bulged, and the colour drained from his face for a moment.
Geoff had also stood up, and was watching Ray curiously.
"So THAT'S Gay Ray, eh? Well, I've got nothing against him. He certainly knows how to cook us a good meal. "
"Ha- HAAAAH!" Frank shouted. "You gonna fight Delaney for him, eh? I should've guessed you weren't normal!"
Matt was blushing now, and his nostrils flared in anger. "SHUT YOUR MOUTH, FRANK! JUST SHUT UP!"
Geoff put a hand on Matt's shoulder.
"Easy, son. I don't know why Frank here-" Geoff glanced over at Frank - has all these ideas about men on men all the time, but if you ask me, it says more about him than it does about us."
He shoved a wheelbarrow full of weeds in Frank's direction.
"We're sick of hearing your fantasies, so why don't you piss off to the compost heap and give us some peace!"
---
Ray was deep in thought as he made his way towards the supermarket. He was thinking about Matt Delaney, though not in the way Frank would have imagined. Ray DID think Matt was handsome, he couldn't ignore that, but he was a little too young for Ray's tastes, and besides, Ray already had a boyfriend and wouldn't have dreamed of being unfaithful. No, Ray was fascinated by Matt for a different reason.
Soon after the men had arrived at Wentworth, Ray had overheard Mr Murphy making nasty comments about Matt to the other officers, making snide insinuations about his sexual orientation. And when Matt had been hurt out in the garden, Ray had heard all about it from Pixie, and he had immediately guessed that Matt's injuries had been no accident. Most likely, it was that horrible rodent-faced Frank who had hit Matt with the rake, ripping his hands open! Or maybe it could have been Mr Murphy, Ray had heard rumours about his violent tendencies too. Matt had been too scared to say who it was, and no wonder! But whichever scumbag was responsible, Ray could guess their motive- they must have hated Matt because he was gay, and they attacked him because they thought they could get away with it. At the time Ray had felt angry and sickened on Matt's behalf. He still felt that way, and seeing Matt in the flesh today only made him feel more strongly about it. Such a kind-faced, honest looking lad, hard-working and rosy-cheeked, Matt reminded Ray of himself at that age. And he couldn't help feeling emotional, couldn't help his imagination starting to wander. The poor boy! He must have had a difficult life. Perhaps Matt's family had rejected him and kicked him out to fend for himself, and he'd fallen in with the wrong crowd, and one thing had led to another. And then to be sent to Woodridge, and be locked up with mean, hateful gay bashers...
Matt looked a strong boy though, Ray thought, and he must have been pretty tough to have come through all that. But still, Ray was overwhelmed with sorrow at his plight, and hoped that somehow he could help Matt in some way. He'd already made a special effort with the meals for Matt when the boy was in the infirmary, but if only he had the chance to talk to Matt, he could offer some support, be a friend, show Matt that he cared and that he understood only too well how it felt to be rejected, insulted, threatened and hurt for being what he was, who he was. It made so much difference, meant so much to have someone on your side at a time when it seemed as if most of the world was against you!
Ray wished for a chance to talk to Matt alone, although he doubted very much that would happen. There was always an officer watching the men, and Frank was there too- Au! How Frank gave him the creeps! It was such a shame, because Ray was sure he and Matt would be great friends if only they could talk together. The friendship would bring comfort to Ray too. He would be able to tell Matt things he hadn't felt able to tell the girls in the kitchen, because Matt would understand.
Ray was great friends with several of the Wentworth women, but he had always been selective about what information he revealed to who. He talked little about his love life, and even less about his past. When he had said anything about his upbringing, it was usually a happy anecdote from his childhood. Ray tried not to dwell on his past too much at work, because it made him emotional, and he was sure that if he started telling one of the girls anything sad, the floodgates would burst open and he'd babble and babble and not be able to stop. He'd come dangerously close to doing that once, not long ago when Reb Kean was still at Wentworth. Ray had believed he could trust her at the time, before he'd discovered, to his horror, that she'd been pushing drugs and terrorising the other girls. Ray regretted saying anything to Reb now, he'd never have told her anything if he'd known what she was really like. But that time she'd seemed so friendly and ready to share a memory of her own past with Ray, and her sudden, unexpected openness had caught him off-guard.
Reb had told him about her younger brother Danny, who had died several years ago in a car accident. Reb didn't talk about the accident itself, but about the time before that, when her parents were always going away to some high-society social function, leaving her and Danny alone to get up to all sorts of mischief, like going joyriding in the family car (or, if it wasn't available, the neighbours cars) and throwing wild parties in the house, which usually resulted in trouble. One time, Reb and Danny decided to have a barbeque in the garden, and young Danny had spilled the lighter fluid, resulting in half the garden going up in flames in a matter of seconds. In a panic, Danny had screamed for Reb to get behind him while he tried in vain to put the fire out, but at that moment the wind changed direction, and sparks flew at Danny, setting his hair alight. Luckily Reb had her jacket in her hand, and she quickly threw it over her brother's head, instantly smothering the flames, and Danny was incredibly fortunate to escape without serious burns. But the garden, and part of a neighbour's fence, were totally ruined, and Mr and Mrs Kean were furious. Reb had told Ray this story with a smile on her face and a dry laugh in her throat, but Ray could sense that she deeply cared about her little brother, badly missed him, and felt responsible for any harm that came to him. And although Ray's own upbringing had been completely different from Reb's, he felt he could identify with her feelings towards her brother.
Ray too had a brother two years younger, who had also been crazy, daring and accident-prone. Yuri couldn't have been more different from Ray personality-wise, indeed one of Ray's childhood friends had once said that he and Yuri were like silk and sandpaper. Ray (or more accurately Sasha, which had been his original name back then) was quiet, soft, floppy haired and gentle, while Yuri was loud, hard, spiky-haired and tough. Sasha grew up to be a chef, while Yuri became a soldier like his father. But despite their differences, the brothers shared a warm, strong, loyal bond throughout their childhood and adolescence. Unlike Danny, Yuri still lived, but he now was thousands of miles away from Ray both geographically- he was currently in Afghanistan, fighting the Mojahedin- and in spirit.
After discovering that his older brother was gay, Yuri had reacted first with disbelief and denial, then with fury and bitterness, because from Yuri's perspective, life had been great until everything had been ruined because of Sasha and his selfish, unnatural, perverted desires. Their parents marriage had broken down soon after Sasha's secret had come out. Sasha's father, Sergei, completely rejected his son, and blamed Sasha's mother, Raya, for Sasha 'turning out' the way he was, because she had been so soft on him, and encouraged him in his love of cooking, 'causing the boy to lose touch with his masculinity'. Raya defended her son, saying that there was nothing wrong with him and that Sergei was afraid of what he didn't understand. There had been terrible arguments, and then the divorce, and Raya was never the same afterwards, she fell into a depression, lost her appetite, and became physically weaker. By the time she gave in to her worried sons and friends pleas to see a doctor, it was too late. Raya's physical symptoms were not due to a broken heart, or to stress. Raya had terminal cancer.
Before Raya died, she asked Yuri to make an effort to get along better with Sasha. Yuri knew it meant a lot to her, so he tried his best, and things improved a little bit, but still, he could never see Sasha in the same way as he used to, couldn't be around him for more than a few minutes without his eyes and his body language making it obvious that he felt awkward and resentful. The tension between them was horrible, especially if the two of them were together in a small room. It made Sasha feel almost as if he was standing in a cage with a tiger that was pacing around growling quietly and flicking its tail. Yuri had never been very good at dealing with emotional conflicts, and to him, the situation with Sasha was so confusing, weird, infuriating, insane and tragic, he found it impossible to make any sense of it.
Then Raya died, and both her sons were stricken with grief. Sasha felt as if his life was in a million pieces, his mother had been the centre of his universe. And he could tell Yuri was as devastated by Raya's death as he was, although Yuri wouldn't talk much to him about it, and that made Sasha feel even worse. Sometimes he blamed himself, thinking that maybe, if he'd managed to continue pretending he was a 'normal man' for longer, everything might been different, his mother would have spotted her first cancer symptoms in time to be saved, his parents would still be together, and he and his brother would be talking and laughing and joking like before. Sasha was filled with guilt, and felt there was no future for him the way things were, at least not if he stayed where he was, and it was then that he began to think about leaving the Soviet Union. His mother was dead, his father hated him to the point of wishing he'd never been born at all, and he was sure that in Yuri's eyes he was now nothing but a pain and an embarrassment, and a reminder of everything that had gone wrong. So one day, when Yuri was away with the army for training exercises outside the city, Sasha quietly disappeared from Leningrad and never came back.
Now Ray had only one connection left with his former homeland, and that was Yuri's wife Lena, his sister-in-law. She had been a close friend of Sasha's (in fact, it was through Sasha that she and Yuri had met in the first place) and had known about his 'secret' before Sasha's family had found out. Nowadays she wrote to Ray in Australia every few months, occasionally sending photos, and, if Ray was lucky, sometimes his brother, if he was at home on leave, would write a short message and Lena would put in it the envelope along with her letter. Yuri's letters- or rather notes- were never profound. He wrote hardly anything about Afghanistan- which was understandable- and mentioned nothing about the family's past turmoil. Nearly always, it was just a few random, blunt statements concerning the contents of Ray's most recent letter to his wife. "Do you still ice-skate?" Yuri had written in his latest message. "You're getting fatter. Lena showed me the picture of you on the beach and you looked almost pregnant. You should get yourself a pair of 7kg dumbells and go running!"
Ray had been quite stung by that comment, but nevertheless, was glad to hear from him anyway. At least it implied that Yuri still cared about his brother's well-being, even if he couldn't express it in a kind or gentle way. And anyway, Yuri had never had the most delicate way of phrasing things even when the two of them had got along well. He was as subtle as a Katyusha, as their mother used to say.
Ray's boyfriend Vladi, who unlike Ray had left Russia for political rather than personal reasons, couldn't understand how Ray could still feel anything for his brother and sister-in-law, and did not conceal his displeasure whenever a letter from "those two communists" arrived and Ray would get all excited and hurry into another room to read it in private. Ray felt he understood why Vladi was sensitive about it, and out of respect for Vladi's feelings, he avoided mentioning Yuri in their conversations, but still, he felt sad that he wasn't allowed to talk about him.
Ray had not told Reb about all this, he had only told her a silly story from his childhood, but telling it had stirred up his emotions, and after the dinner bell had rung, he'd spent several minutes having a quiet cry in the Staff Toilets. And now he really regretted trusting Reb at all. He wondered why she'd told him the story about Danny in the first place, had it been a sneaky tactic to make Ray think she trusted him enough to share private stories, encouraging him to open up to her, hoping he'd tell her some information she could later blackmail him with? He couldn't put anything past her. Still, he felt sorry for her, because he was sure she hadn't made her story up, and that her feelings about Danny had been real. It was proof that Reb Kean was, or had at one time been, capable of love and loyalty. Maybe losing Danny had been what had flipped the switch, changed her world, screwed her up. And although Ray felt relieved to have Reb out of his hair now, he wished she hadn't been sent to Blackmoor, and he'd felt guilty about that, because just before she was transferred he had told Miss Ferguson that he wasn't going to protect Reb any more. But if Blackmoor was anything like it was in the rumours Ray had heard, Reb hadn't deserved THAT, she deserved to be punished, yes, but Blackmoor was too much...
But he couldn't think about Reb now, she wasn't his responsibility any more. Ray had a big heart, but if he spent all his time worrying about everyone who'd ever had a place in it, he'd never stop worrying, and he couldn't live life like that.
---
The supermarket was quiet, and there were no queues at this time of day. Ray bought six little bottles of vanilla essence, complimented the cashier on her new hairstyle, carefully put the bottles in his brown leather bag, and headed back.
As he approached the prison, he noticed a figure in navy blue clothing moving in the garden, on the other side of the chain link fence, near the tool shed. Ray paused to take a closer look. It was Matt! He had his back turned, but it was unmistakeably him, and he seemed to be on his own! Ray's heart jumped with surprise and excitement. Maybe he might get a chance to speak to Matt after all! But he had to hurry up, and be careful. Ray quickened his walk, and unconciously began to flap his hands in front of him. He reached the gate, where fortunately the same guard was on duty and didn't bother to do the routine ID check, entered the prison grounds, and headed for the garden area. He looked around cautiously, trying to see if Frank, Geoff or Mrs Slattery were nearby. Ray instinctively guessed that talking to the male prisoners was not allowed, although he'd never been told so explicitly. He knew it was against the rules to fraternise with the women (not that he'd ever obeyed that rule anyway) but as no one had told him not to fraternise with the men, then Mrs Reynolds wouldn't be too harsh on him if he was caught, surely...
Then Ray caught sight of Geoff and Frank several metres away down the slope, near the red brick wall of the prison building. They were talking to Mrs Slattery. Ray couldn't hear what they were saying, but he hoped they were distracted enough not to notice him as he sneaked across the garden, ducking behind the taller trees every few metres and double-checking no-one had seen him. Loose white overalls were good protection from the sun, but they were very poor camouflage!
At last he reached the tool shed, and was relieved to see that Matt was still there. He hadn't seen Ray yet, he was crouching with his head down, tying up a black sack full of dead branches. The scars on the back of his hands were clearly visible. Ray relaxed his shoulders, clasped his hands together behind his back and gave a little cough. Matt looked up, startled.
"Hellooo," Ray said, smiling at Matt and bouncing on his toes a little.
Matt's eyes were wide. "W-wh-wh-what are YOU doing here?" he stuttered.
Ray was a little surprised, Matt's tone sounded almost defensive. He must have scared the poor boy! Poor Matt, Pixie had been right about him, he was such a shy young man!
"Shhhh... it's OK... I know I'm not supposed to be here," Ray winked, trying to reassure him. "If anyone comes, I'll tell them I talked to you first. I promise you won't get in any trouble."
Matt slowly rose to his feet. "Why are you talking to me, and what do you want?" he asked. He still didn't sound very friendly. Ray felt sad, Matt must have had a rougher time than he'd imagined.
"Please don't worry, I wasn't going to hassle you," Ray explained. "I know other people must have treated you badly, but I'm not like that. I know you're a nice boy, Pixie told me a lot about you. And when I saw you, I just wanted to talk to you... just... just to let you know that I can be your friend, if you want."
Matt looked shocked and confused. "P-p-pixie? She told you..." then he stopped mid-sentence and narrowed his eyes. "But...you...you...you're the queer chef, aren't you?!"
"...Yes... my name's Ray... and yes, I'm gay too. But I don't like the word 'queer', I think that-"
Matt's lip curled with hatred. "So you think I'M bent too, you bloody poof? Well I've got news for you, and the rest of the world for that matter: I'M NOT F**KING GAY!" he shouted.
Ray flinched back, stung, shocked and frightened. He couldn't believe this was happening! He'd been so sure Matt was someone like himself, how could he have got it so wrong? And not only was Matt not homosexual, it seemed as if he was as homophobic as Frank Burke and Mr Murphy!
"And I'll tell you something else, Ray," Matt snarled, his eyes blazing as he began to walk towards Ray menacingly, his shoulders coiled back like a carnivorous beast about to pounce, "If you want to be my 'friend'-"
"W-WAIT!" Ray yelped, backing away in fear. "I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I'm going now. I won't bother you again-"
"TOO BLOODY RIGHT YOU MADE A MISTAKE COMING ONTO ME, YOU DIRTY BLOODY MONGREL!" Matt yelled, lunging at Ray, who had already turned to run away, but found the wall of the tool shed blocking his way. Matt grabbed hold of Ray by the front of his overalls and slammed him hard into the shed wall. There was a crunch of breaking glass. Luckily for Ray, his shoulder bag had swung behind his back and taken most of the impact.
"Please don't hurt me, I wasn't going to hurt you, if you let me go I promise I won't tell anyone!" Ray pleaded frantically. Somewhere, not far away, he thought he could hear someone running.
Matt sneered, and tightened his grip on Ray, scratching the skin of his chest through his uniform.
"You won't be in any state to talk to anyone anyway when I've finished with you! I'm gonna teach you a lesson you'll never forget, I'm SICK of creeps like you-"
Matt never finished his sentence, because at that moment Geoff MacRae tackled him from behind, putting him in a headlock and dragging him back.
"G-Geoff! Wh-what the hell?!" Matt yelped, his eyes wide.
"YOU STUPID BLOODY MORON!" Geoff barked in Matt's ear. Then he turned his attention to Ray, who was half-slumped against the shed wall, frozen in shock.
"Bloody hell... are you OK, mate? I'm sorry about him, he's an idiot. Are you hurt?"
Ray struggled to find his voice. Tears had started to run down his cheeks. He stood up straight.
"N-no... I'll... I'll be OK." He sniffed hard. "I... I won't report it."
"Thanks mate... but don't worry, I'll deal with this one in my own way. I'm so sorry about this."
Matt struggled to free himself. "What the hell are you saying, Geoff? He's a creep! He came onto me!"
Geoff held him firmly. "Shut up, Matthew!"
"I didn't come onto him... I already have a boyfriend," Ray told him. "I wasn't flirting, I was just fr-fraternising. I wanted to be friends, that's all."
Geoff nodded. "It's OK Ray, I saw what happened, I know it wasn't your fault. This kid's the one who's got issues."
"I have NOT!" Matt was red in the face. "He's the one who's not normal! What's got into you, Geoff?"
"I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!" Geoff roared.
"I-I'd better be going," Ray said. He wiped his eyes and tried to smile at Geoff, but the corners of his mouth just wouldn't rise, his whole body felt numb. "Thank you for saving me, Geoff."
"That's alright. Take care, mate. Oh, and by the way... you cook the best prison food I've ever tasted. I think you're great."
Ray managed a half smile, and turned to walk away. Then suddenly he felt a pain in his stomach as if he'd been kicked there, and a wave of nausea washed over him, oh no, oh God, he was sure he was going to be sick, oh no no not here not now! He swallowed hard and ran towards the Wentworth building.
Matt spat a final gobbet of venom at Ray's fleeing back.
"AND DON'T COME BACK, YOU FLAMING QUEER!"
Geoff released Matt from the headlock, then roughly shoved him away. He checked that Mrs Slattery still wasn't around- Frank had been playing silly buggers all morning, so she mainly watched him, and not Matt and Geoff- then turned back to Matt, who was now staring at him in bewilderment, and gave him a loud, stinging slap across the left side of his face, then the right.
"You stupid bloody fool," Geoff growled. His brown eyes burned with anger under his bushy eyebrows. Matt cowered away from him, whimpering and covering his smarting cheeks with his hands.
"I thought I knew you so well, " Geoff continued, "but after seeing what I just saw... My God, you disgust me! I'd have expected Frank to pull a stunt like that, but not you! How long have you been inside, Matt?"
Matt raised his head. He was crying now.
"N-nearly t-two years..."
"Well, you haven't learned anything in that time, have you?! Have you forgotten the reason you're here in the first place?!"
Matt creased his brow.
"No, I haven't! And that's why I lost my temper with him! It was a perv like him that got me put inside in the first place! I thought you'd understand, Geoff!"
"Wrong!" Geoff snarled. "You got YOURSELF put inside for being a hooligan, a coward and a thug! And you haven't changed a bit!"
Matt began to sob hard, tears and snot dripping all over his uniform.
"G-Geoff, I thought you were my friend... you believe that fairy over me! Are you saying that you think I ASKED for it?"
"Oh, grow up! God, you still don't get it, do you? You really don't have a clue," Geoff sighed sadly.
"H-he was taller than me... I had to defend myself! And-and he had that creepy Russian accent as well... freaked me out... for God's sake, Geoff, for all we know, he could be a spy!" Matt gasped.
Geoff stared at him, shaking his head, lost for words at such mind-numbing stupidity. No wonder the boy had no friends on the outside!
Then the lunch bell rang inside the building.
"Wipe the snot off your face and shut up for a while," Geoff told Matt. "We'll have lunch- though I can't say I have much appetite right now- and then I'll talk to you again later, after you calm down."
Then Mrs Slattery called out to them from down the hill.
"Come on you two, didn't you hear the bell? Oh, don't tell me you still haven't finished tidying those branches away! What have you been doing all this time?!"
Matt scrubbed his red face with his sleeve as she approached them.
"Ah... Matt here had a touch of hayfever, Mrs Slattery," Geoff told her.
"Oh, dear... maybe you'd better get something for it from Sister," the officer replied, looking at Matt.
"N-no... I'll be OK."
Then Frank's grinning face popped up behind Mrs Slattery's shoulder.
"Hurry up you buggers, I'm bloody STARVED!"
Mrs Slattery sighed. "What did I just say to you about using that kind of foul language, Burke? Now move, or you'll be on a charge."
The three men headed towards the building, Frank strutting along in front.
"Y'know, I reckon having a healthy libido like mine must be good for the appetite, heh heh!" Frank cackled. " I'm so hungry, I don't care WHERE the chef's hands've been!"
---
In a cubicle in the Staff Toilets, Ray shakily tried to stand up before slumping dizzily against the wall. He groaned, crouched on the floor, put the toilet lid down, pulled himself up and sat down on the toilet. Fortunately the pain in his stomach and the urge to vomit had disappeared, but he still felt terrible, so dizzy and damp with sweat, his heart was thumping and he could feel himself trembling. He put his head between his knees, he had to try to calm down, after all, it could easily have been much worse! He was surprised that the incident outside had shaken him up so badly, although it had been a terrible shock. Ray had thought he could trust his instincts, and was good at judging which people might be potentially dangerous, but Matt turning out to be nasty had really thrown him off-balance. What a stupid, horrible mistake!
Ray felt like an idiot for dreaming up an idealised image of Matt before he'd talked to him. He realised now that his imagination had got carried away. Why on earth had he done that? He wasn't sure himself.
He tried to breathe deeper and slower, and gradually he felt his heartbeat slowing down. He'd stopped shaking now. He closed his eyes and listened to his own breathing, trying to imagine his surroundings away. He hated feeling fear and having to watch out for vicious, angry, insecure people. That was the price he had paid, and would most likely go on paying, for living life as his true self. He would probably go on running into bigots wherever he went. That was life. But it wasn't fair. And he didn't want to deal with it right now. He wanted to escape in his mind to somewhere safe, somewhere where he didn't have to worry or even think about the things he worried about now...
Ray inhaled deeply through his nostrils, his eyes still closed, and imagined a fresh, cool breeze, quiet and soothing, gently blowing over him, ruffling his hair. In his mind he pictured long grass, dry and brown, swaying around him.
---
He was 11 years old, sitting cross-legged in the long grass in the Summer Park, near the wide Neva river. In his hands he was plaiting long stems of dried grass, making a tiny doll, a present for his friend Olga. He wasn't so good at this as he was at cooking, but he was satisfied with how it was turning out, and he thought it looked quite sweet.
Suddenly he paused and raised his head. He hadn't heard a noise or noticed any sudden movement in the grass, but instinct told him to watch out, because he realised his little brother had been far too quiet for far too long, and judging by previous experience, that meant trouble. It was very likely that any moment now, Yuri would pounce on him from nowhere and pin him down in the grass. Yuri was very good at sneaking up on him and giving him a scare when he least expected it, and one of Yuri's favourite games in the summertime was to crawl unseen through the long grass, flat on his belly.
Sasha knew Yuri wouldn't hurt him when he pounced (at least, not intentionally) but he worried the doll might get damaged, so he wondered if he should call out, warn him off. Just then, the wind changed direction, and blew a pungent smell into Sasha's nostrils. Sasha giggled.
"Yu-ri Ser-gei-ev-iiich," he called out softly. "I know you're there, I can smell you!"
There was no reply. Sasha called out again.
"I told you not to eat so fast, but you wouldn't listen, would you? And you shouldn't crawl on your tummy just after you've eaten either, it's bad for your digestion. No wonder you're gassy!"
Yuri didn't answer this time, either.
"Besides," Sasha continued teasingly, "you never know what ELSE might be crawling around in the grass. There might be big spiders, or ticks, or maybe even a BIIIG SNAAAKE. And your clothes will be totally RUINED."
Sasha smiled to himself. He knew it was a bit mean to mention snakes, because he knew that they were the only animals that Yuri was afraid of. But Yuri was always making fun of him and calling him a big sissy for being scared of mice and jellyfish and woodlice and daddy-long-legs, so it was only fair to give him a little taste of his own medicine sometimes!
"Well, anyway," he continued "I'm making a present for Olga and it's kind of fragile, so if you HAVE to jump on me, please be careful."
A few seconds passed. The grass swayed in the breeze, the birds sang, children laughed in the distance. Then Sasha heard Yuri give a piercing scream, and saw him leap out of the grass about 5 metres to his left. Yuri's eyes were round with fear and he was holding his right upper arm tightly with his left hand.
"YAAAAAAAAAGH! SASHA! THERE WAS A SNAKE, AND IT BIT ME! HELP!"
For a couple of seconds, Sasha assumed his brother was messing around, and he almost laughed, but then he noticed that the colour had drained from Yuri's face, and there was blood on his elbow.
Yuri was crying. "If I squeeze my arm, will it stop the poison? I don't want to die!"
Sasha dropped the doll, raced up to his brother and grabbed hold of him, trying to get a closer look at his arm.
"Shush, shush, wait, let me see the bite. Try to stay calm, I'll get Mama-"
"What if it's too late? What if I die before she gets here?" Yuri was shaking. "Oh Sasha, I'm scared, I'm going to die! I'm going to die!" he sobbed. Then he broke wind loudly.
"STAY STILL!" Sasha pleaded. "You're not going to die!"
Yuri gulped and looked his brother in the eyes with great sadness.
"Sasha... after I'm dead, you won't tell Papa I cried, will you? And don't tell Natasha or Olga that I farted in my last moments!"
"Oh, Yuri, that's not important-" Sasha stopped mid-sentence, spotting the thorny twig embedded in the back of Yuri's elbow.
"And tell Andrei Nikolayevich that he can have the little Sputnik I keep on my bedside table," Yuri continued tearfully.
"Yuri, it isn't a snake bite. You've got a prickly twig stuck in your arm," Sasha reassured him. "Here, I'll pull it out."
Sasha carefully removed it, making sure no thorns were left in the skin. Two tiny streams of blood oozed out where the biggest thorns had been, and Sasha winced, he hated the sight of blood, but this was no time to be squeamish.
"Come on, we'd better get Mama, she'll clean it up properly," Sasha said.
Yuri was quiet now. He sniffed and wiped his face. He looked embarrassed.
Sasha smiled. "I'm so relieved it was only a twig! You know, you really had me worried for a moment there. My heart's still thumping!"
He ruffled Yuri's hair. "I know that I overreact to things all the time, but I had no idea you could ever be so... well...dramatic! Talking about dying, and your last wishes..."
"I wanted to be brave," Yuri said sadly, his eyes welling up with fresh tears. "I TRIED to be brave... and if I HAD died... I... I wanted Papa to be proud of me..."
"Hey... hey! Enough of that! You were very brave!" Sasha said. He spread his arms wide and gave Yuri a big warm hug, pulling him close to his chest, and kissed him on the head. "I'm sure Papa is very proud of you. And please stop talking about death, you're too young to be even THINKING about dying."
Yuri sniffled, and snuggled his little head under Sasha's chin. Sasha slowly rubbed his back. He could hear Yuri breathing, and could feel his body starting to relax, he was calmer now. Sasha smiled, it was unusual for Yuri to tolerate being hugged like this for long. Soon he would probably wriggle himself free and run off to find a new game to play. But right now he wanted comfort.
Sasha began to sing softly, a song his mother had taught him about a little hedgehog with a prickly back, curling up tight to hide its soft belly.
---
Ray was quietly singing the song under his breath when suddenly the corridor outside the Staff Toilets echoed with hurried footsteps and the sound of two female officers talking. Ray's eyes snapped open. Oooh, the light seemed so bright! And what was that sweet smell? Oh NO, how long had he been here, sitting on the toilet with his head between his knees, singing in Russian?! If anyone had overheard him, they would think he'd lost his mind! He quickly raised his head. He wasn't dizzy any more, but WHUF, he'd been sweating, and he could smell it along with that other smell- what WAS that other smell? It seemed so familiar...
Ray took a deep breath. OK! Time to wake up!
"My name is Raymond Proctor, " he said quietly. " I am 32 years old. I live at Flat 3, Cauliflower Hill, Melbourne, Australia. It's February 1985, and I'm sitting in the Staff Toilets of Wentworth Detention Centre. I am talking to myself, but I hope I'm still sane."
Then he heard someone else enter the room.
"Ray, are you in here?" Mrs Barry called out anxiously.
Ray's eyes grew wide. Oh NO! Poor Joyce, he'd forgotten all about her! He'd told her to supervise the girls while he went to the shops, however long ago that was!
"Oh Mrs Barry, I'm sorry!" Ray gasped, quickly jumping onto his feet, grabbing his bag and opening the cubicle door.
Joyce was staring at him with deep concern in her eyes.
"Are you alright?" She asked. "Whatever happened to you?"
"I'm so sorry I disappeared," Ray told her. He noticed how dry his mouth was, he needed a drink of water. "I... I got very dizzy walking in the sun, and after I came through the gate I... I fainted in the prison garden. And when I came round, I thought I was going to be sick, so I ran in here."
"Oh dear!" Joyce said. "You poor thing... I think you should see Sister Hall right away!"
"No, no, no, there's no need," Ray held up his hands. "I feel fine now. I just need to drink some water, and wash a little bit, and maybe have something to eat."
"Are you SURE? If you fainted, maybe you ought to take the rest of the day off, it won't be a problem-"
"No, no, I'll be alright. I'm so sorry I worried you," Ray said earnestly. "What about the Kitchen, are things OK in there?"
"Well, they were when I left, but Myra and a couple of the others were a bit worried when you didn't come back. Pat's gone there now."
"Well, I'd better hurry back and let them know I'm alright," Ray smiled. "I'll just have a quick wash first, and change my overalls."
"Well, if you insist, I can't stop you, but I still think you should let Sister Hall have a look at you. We don't want you fainting again, do we?"
"I won't faint again, I promise." Ray managed a little laugh.
"I hope not!" Joyce exclaimed. "Oh! You've got dirty marks all over your back-"
"That happened when I fell over."
"And- ooh- what's that smell?"
Ray suddenly knew what it was, and remembered the noise his bag had made when Matt had slammed him up against the shed. His eyes grew wide.
"Oh no, NO..."
He quickly took off his bag, rested it on a sink, opened it and looked inside.
"AUUUUUU!" he moaned.
"What's the matter? What happened?" Joyce gasped.
Ray sighed sadly. "It's vanilla essence. We'd run out in the Kitchen, so I went to buy some extra bottles... but when I fell down... three of them smashed. And my bag is leather... it's totally RUINED!" He stared at it in dismay.
"Oh, I'm sorry Ray, I really am," Joyce said. She put a hand on his shoulder. "But at least you didn't break any bones when you fell over, eh!"
Ray sighed again. "I guess you're right, I'm being silly. But I really liked that bag."
Joyce racked her brains. "Hmm, well, maybe it can be cleaned up after all... we do have a laundry here. I doubt we can get it looking brand new, but it's better than nothing."
"I guess so... oh, I'm sorry for being such a misery-guts! You're being so helpful, and here I am, frowning like the Wicked Witch of the West! " Ray shook his head and smiled. "I'd better stop before I get wrinkles, ha ha!"
Joyce smiled back, her worries reassured. Now Ray sounded just like his usual self!
---
The next few hours of Ray's day passed without incident, and the girls worked quietly as they prepared dinner. Ray was relieved that neither Pixie, Bobbie or Marlene were tin the Kitchen today. He loved those three girls dearly, but one thing they all had in common was that they all raved on about Matt as if he was the sweetest boy who had ever walked the earth, and Ray couldn't bear to hear that sort of talk now. They weren't the most quick or efficient workers either. Pixie, angelic as she was, had a terrible habit of miscalculating measurements of salt and curry powder, and could transform a carefully prepared culinary masterpiece into a tongue-burning, eye watering disaster in a matter of seconds. Bobbie was prone to mood swings and escape attempts, and was usually too distracted by some drama or another to pay proper attention to preparing the food. And Marlene... well, she always enjoyed being in the kitchen, but not actually doing any work there, and when Ray was in a bad mood he found her jokes about as funny as a getting a chilli seed in his eye.
"Are you sure you're alright, Ray?" Myra asked, peering around his shoulder as he chopped a carrot. "You've been very quiet this afternoon."
"Oh, I'm fine, lovey... just tired, that's all. I think the sun took the energy out of me. I won't be going for any more lunchtime walks in this heat, I can tell you. Uuuuuf..." Ray yawned and stretched out his arms.
Myra smiled. "Yeah, well make sure you keep drinking plenty of water. Me and the girls have got enough to worry about without the best cook we've ever had fainting on the job." She patted Ray affectionately on his hip before walking away.
Ray gave a little laugh. "That felt nice, petal. Is that what you used to do to your husband?"
Myra stopped in her tracks, brows creased.
"My HUSBAND?!" she exclaimed. Ray's smiled faded in horror as he realised what he'd said.
"Oh Myra, I'm sorry, that was a stupid thing for me to say, please don't be angry with me!" he pleaded. "I'm just tired, and what you did was sweet, and I didn't THINK-"
Myra sighed. "It's OK... ah, bugger it... I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to snap at you. And I don't know why I patted you like that, it was kind of unconcious. I guess I... well... I'm not too wrapped about men in general at the moment. Not men like you- I mean men... men like most men! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not making any sense."
"But I'm an exception?" Ray asked nervously, hoping he was right.
Myra smiled again. "Well... yeah, you are. "At least with you I don't have to worry about your intentions towards the girls. So many guys act like they're gentlemen, when really it's just a trick to get what they want, and you only find out what they're really like when it's too bloody late."
"I know," Ray said quietly. "I've met some men like that, too." He paused. "But sometimes it can happen the other way around. Sometimes you see a man and you think, hmmm, he has a hard face, he doesn't look very friendly, but then he talks to you and it turns out you have it all wrong, and he's a very nice man. You can't judge people by appearances. And that goes for women too, of course."
"Ha ha, God, don't I know it!" Myra laughed. "Anyway, sorry to moan, I shouldn't complain when I know you haven't been feeling well. I've just been a bit worried for the other girls sake since the men were allowed to mix with us. The young ones reckon all their birthdays have come at once, but they don't think about consequences, and if any of them were to get in trouble... well, I have to look out for them."
"Of course, of course," Ray smiled. "You're a good Top Dog. But I tell you something, Geoff is a good man. I met him today."
Myra looked surprised. "GEOFF!? Are you talking about Geoff MacRae?"
"Of course I am, petal, there's only one Geoff in the garden! "
Myra stepped closer to Ray and looked him in the eyes.
"Rugged-looking bloke, right? Old fisherman type, grey hair, Brezhnev eyebrows, weather-beaten complexion?"
"YES sweetie, we ARE talking about the same person!" Ray laughed. "But I don't think Geoff's eyebrows are THAT big."
"WHEN did you talk to him? What did he say?"
"It was this lunchtime. He, ah... he helped me when I fainted outside. Anyway, you've already met him, you must already know he's a nice man. He reminds me a bit of you. Stern but fair."
Ray carried the chopping board over to the stove and tipped the chopped carrots into one of the pots, while Myra stared into space for a few seconds, deep in thought.
"Oh, and Myra, petal," Ray called, "I'm sorry, but the bin is full. Can you take it to the skip, please?"
---
Myra slowly dragged the heavy bin toward the skip, preoccupied with her thoughts. She was very curious about what Ray had just said. If Geoff WAS a good bloke, then maybe, Myra thought, it was time she backed down off her high horse and gave him a chance. Although that would be difficult, because by now she was sure Geoff had the impression she was a sour bitch, and apologising to him now would not be an easy thing to do, because it would mean admitting her first impressions of him had been wrong. It would also make her feel more vulnerable, because then he would wonder why she'd had a change of heart about him all of a sudden, and he might wonder if she had feelings for him! And the worst thing about it was, he'd be right.
Myra sighed, frustrated with herself. It constantly annoyed her that she secretly found Geoff attractive, and she had no idea how or why it had happened. After all, he was so arrogant, self-righteous, stubborn and annoying! She guessed it was a result of subconcious desperation and loneliness on her part, and some invisible, unexplainable chemistry. But whatever it was, she couldn't afford to reveal it to anyone! She had only just regained the women's faith in her abilities as Top Dog, and she had to set the others a good example!
When she reached the skip, she paused for a few seconds, remembering the first time she and Geoff had set eyes on each other, in that exact spot. Geoff had been carrying some rubbish from the garden. He'd been sweating in the heat of the sun, and despite the unpleasant odours emanating from the skip, the scent of him, that musky male smell, had invaded her nostrils without warning, setting off signals in her brain and making her body tingle, but the suddenness of it had caught her off guard and scared her, and she'd reacted by roughly pushing Geoff away with her angry words.
Perhaps it's not Geoff himself, Myra thought. Perhaps the smell of any man, after all this time, would have affected her the same way. She didn't know. But standing in that spot brought back a rush of visual memories, Geoff smiling at her, with his eyes the colour of melting cooking chocolate, and his tanned, leathery skin.
It suddenly occurred to Myra that Geoff couldn't be tanned and crinkly-skinned all over. They wouldn't have allowed him to sunbathe at Woodridge. No, his chest and stomach, with its still taut, wiry muscles, would be paler, and the skin smooth. And his chest would definately be hairy, if his eyebrows and forearms were anything to go by. Myra felt her skin tingling, her face going hot...
DAMN IT!! She screamed in her mind. What the hell had she just been doing, letting her mind wander in that direction?! It must have been the heat. No wonder Ray had fainted. Now the heat was doing funny things to her too. She was even imagining that she could smell Geoff right at that moment!
"Myra," Geoff said.
Myra spun around to face him, eyes wide. Oh NO! She thought. Well, at least she knew now that she could smell him for real, her mind hadn't been playing tricks on her.
Geoff was carrying a sack of garden rubbish, same as before. He seemed to be in a pleasant enough mood.
"And so we meet again," he said, and laughed. Myra tried to laugh along with him, but no sound came out. She coughed and found her voice.
"Ah... yeah, so we do. And?"
Damn, she thought, why did her own voice sound so unfriendly? Why did she reflexively behave like that? She saw disappointment in Geoff's eyes, and felt a pang of guilt within her.
" Myra," he sighed. "Don't let's start. I didn't want to argue. Actually I was hoping I'd run into you here..."
Myra raised her thin eyebrows. "Oh? How come?"
"Well, you're on kitchen duty, and I wanted to find out if Ray's OK. How's he feeling now?"
"Oh, he's fine," Myra managed to smile, her tone a little warmer now. "He told me how he fainted out here... and how you helped him. Lucky you were there, eh."
Geoff creased his brows in slight confusion. Fainted? He thought. Then he realised Ray must have told Myra a different story. Well, if that was what Ray had wanted Myra to think, then he'd better go along with it too. Actually that might be the best idea, because now it occurred to him that Myra might hold him responsible for Matt running riot if she knew the truth, and he didn't want an argument about that.
He took a deep breath. "Actually, now you're here, I wondered if you could do me a favour. Could you ask Ray if he could meet me here in about 15 minutes from now? I'll be bringing some more rubbish here anyway, and I wanted to have a quick chat with him."
"OK, I'll ask him," Myra agreed. "I don't know if he'll say yes though, it'll depend if he has time. What did you want to talk to him about?"
Geoff found himself stuck for words. "Ah... er... does it matter?"
Myra frowned. "It does if it's something I need to worry about."
"Well you don't need to worry," Geoff told her. He sighed. "Come on Myra, trust me for once, will ya?"
Myra stared at him for a long moment, remembering what Ray had told her.
"Well, Ray told me he reckons you're a good boy," she said finally. "I'll let him know."
With that, she emptied the bin into the skip, turned around and walked away. Geoff stood where he was for several seconds, following her with his eyes. Myra didn't look back.
---
12 minutes later, Ray stood in the doorway leading from the Kitchen into the garden and checked his watch. Behind him, Myra watched him suspiciously, he looked as if he was thinking hard about something. She felt sure Ray was hiding something from her, but what could it be?
Then Ray turned to face her.
"It's nearly time for me to go. Now Myra lovey, I need you to do something VERY important for me while I'm gone. I know I can trust you."
Myra's eyes widened in suspense. "Yes, what is it?"
"You are to be in charge of preparing the vanilla custard. You must follow my recipe to the exact details, and stir it regularly. Pay the custard your full attention and make sure it doesn't burn."
Myra sighed. "Yes Ray, you CAN trust me to look after your custard. Anyway, are you sure you should be doing this? It's still bloody hot out there, you might get dizzy again."
Ray smiled. "It's less hot than it was at lunchtime, and I'm better hydrated now. I'll find a spot in the shade. Now please stop worrying about me and think of the custard, OK?"
"I will, but... Ray, about Geoff-"
Ray raised his eyebrows. "Myra petal, why do you keep asking me questions about Geoff? I thought you knew him well. Did he do something to upset you?"
Myra looked awkward. "Well no, but I... well... Look Ray, I'm not saying he's a bad guy, I just feel a bit uneasy around him sometimes. There's a lot of things we don't know about him."
Ray leaned in the doorway, looking out into the garden, and spoke in a low, mysterious voice.
"There's a lot of things you don't know about me either, sweetie." He paused. "Some of them might shock you."
Myra wasn't entirely sure Ray was joking (she could only see the back of his head) but she tried to laugh anyway.
"Ha ha... very funny. Alright, off you go, I'm sure you know what you're doing."
---
When Ray arrived at the skip, Geoff wasn't there yet. Ray had purposely turned up a little early, as he was aware that Geoff, unlike him, wasn't allowed to wear a watch, and could only estimate how long 15 minutes would take. Ray felt sure he'd made the right decision coming out here, but now he felt slightly nervous. He wasn't sure what do with himself while he waited. His body felt a little tired and heavy, so he decided to stretch out his limbs a little. He felt a twinge of pain in his shoulder as he stretched his arms behind his back, and realised he must have some bruising there. He wondered how he'd explain it to Vladi later...
"Ray?"
Ray quickly turned around. Geoff was behind him.
"Hi." Ray smiled shyly.
"How are you feeling now, mate?"
"Much better, thank you. I'm very grateful you came to help me when you did."
Geoff sighed. "Really, I should have got there sooner. He'd already gone too far. You shouldn't have to take that kind of abuse. Anyway, I've dealt with the kid and you don't have to worry about him hassling you again." He smiled reassuringly.
"To be honest...you surprised me," Ray told him. "I wasn't expecting someone like you- a man from your generation, I mean- to have much sympathy for people like me. At first I just assumed you only wanted to stop the boy from getting himself into trouble. But then you said the things you said, and you were kind to me... I didn't expect you to be so nice."
Geoff looked slightly embarrassed, and averted his gaze.
"I think I surprised myself a bit, too. 15 years ago, I was just as bad as Matt, if not worse. I didn't bash gay people, but I had a lot of prejudices. I didn't know how to treat women, either. You wouldn't have liked me back then."
Ray creased his brows. "But... you're so different now. What made you change?"
Geoff thought for a moment before replying.
"Well, I didn't change overnight, and I wasn't conscious I was changing at all. But after I'd spent a few years inside, and seen the way some of the other guys carried on, I noticed I was seeing things differently. Maybe it forced me to grow up. I don't know if you'll understand what I mean when I say this, but..." he sighed. "A lot of men, especially young men, go through life trying to prove to themselves that they're 'real men', whatever that is. For some men, it's about bashing up guys who they think are less masculine. For me, it was about getting my own way all the time and not respecting other people's feelings. If I had a disagreement with someone, I'd blame everything on them. I didn't want other people thinking I was soft. But really, all that time I thought I was being tough, I was a weak man underneath, because I was too scared to take a good at myself and face my insecurities. I didn't have the courage to take responsibility and admit when I was wrong. I only realised that when I was locked up with a load of other morons who were behaving the same way as me. Watching them was like looking in a mirror, and it was bloody ugly. And as for the poof-bashers... they made me sick. They were the most cowardly bastards of the lot. So when I became Top Dog at Woodridge, I didn't tolerate it."
"Whuuuf..." Ray exhaled. "Well, all I can say is, I'm glad you changed.... and that you tried to stop other people getting hurt."
"Well, these days I feel a lot better about myself than I did back then, " Geoff said. "I only wish I'd woken up earlier, instead of wasting the best years of my life acting like an arse."
Ray was unsure what to say in reply. Then Geoff took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes.
"You know, I have a lot of respect for you, and others like you... it can't be easy being..." Geoff blushed. "...Well, being so obvious about what you are, knowing how many people have a problem with you being that way. I reckon that takes guts. If I'd been born that way, I don't think I'd have the balls to be 'out' like you," he laughed.
Now Ray laughed too. Geoff's confession had suddenly made him feel a lot more relaxed.
"Well, I haven't always been 'out', you know. I pretended I was straight until I was 22, and maybe I would have carried on pretending even longer, if I hadn't been found out. It's a long story, and I don't want to go into it now, but my father hit the roof, and it ended with me coming all the way here."
"Bloody hell, must have been hard for you, mate. But I guess things are better now you're here?"
"Yes... I live with my boyfriend, and I'm quite happy here. But I miss my brother-"
Ray stopped, surprised at how easily he'd let those last four words slip out. He felt a hot feeling behind his eyes, and he swallowed hard.
"I...I'm sorry. I can't talk about this now. I'll get emotional, and besides, you should get back to work, you might get in trouble."
Geoff smiled and patted Ray on the back.
"It's OK... sorry son, I didn't mean to upset you. I was just being nosy, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. It's just that it's not every day I meet someone who's lived on the other side of the wall, y'know?"
Ray sighed. "I guess so."
Sensing Ray's discomfort, Geoff quickly changed the subject.
"There was something else I wanted to talk to you about, actually... I take it you and Myra get along quite well?"
"Yes, we do, I get on well with just about all the girls. Why?" Ray asked.
"Well... I can't seem to communicate very well with her. I guess I've done something to annoy her, but I can't think what it is. I've always tried to be friendly with her. Do you have any idea why she acts like that?" Geoff raised his eyebrows, hoping that Ray might be able to give him some clues.
Ray pouted, trying to think quickly, oooh, now this was a tricky situation! He thought about everything Myra had said to him. He cared about her deeply and didn't want to betray her by saying too much, but on the other hand, Geoff seemed like a genuinely nice person, and surely he didn't have bad intentions...
"Well," he said at last, "Myra is a very nice person once you get to know her. I like her a lot. But I know she can seem a bit bossy and grumpy when you first meet her. But that's only because she's Top Dog and is always worrying about what the other girls are doing."
Geoff took a step closer to Ray and gazed into his face for a few seconds before he spoke again.
"Ray...perhaps you've guessed this by now, but I like Myra a lot, too. And I swear I would never do anything to hurt her. I just wish I could get through to her. Maybe there's no chance she'll ever be interested in me, but even if that's the case, I'd still be happy to get along better with her, even if it's just as a friend."
Ray sighed and bit his lip. "Myra told me that she finds it hard to trust men. I don't want to break a confidence by telling you everything she told me, but I can tell you that her last husband was a very bad man. And I think that's why Myra is scared to trust you. I don't think she hates you, so don't think that... she just doesn't feel very relaxed with you."
Geoff looked deep in thought, and nodded slowly.
"Scared..." he murmured to himself.
"If I were you, I'd break the ice by opening up to her, telling her something about yourself so that she knows you trust her. And then maybe she'll find it easier to trust you," Ray smiled. "If it's not meant to be, it won't happen. But if there are sparks between you and Myra, nature will eventually take it's course, I'm sure."
"Well old son, that's good advice," Geoff smiled back. "Thanks for that. I'd better get back to work now, but I hope we can talk again sometime, you're a nice guy."
"My pleasure. Goodbye."
Ray shook Geoff's hand, then turned and walked back through the prison grounds, his smile widening on his lips. Everything made sense to him now! Myra's odd attitude, and all her anxious questions about Geoff! Suddenly Ray felt like bursting out laughing. Honestly, considering heterosexual people were supposed to be the 'normal', 'natural' ones, they found it very difficult to communicate with each other, and really knew how to make things more complicated for themselves!
Well, he hoped it would work out for those two. From what he'd learned about Geoff today, Ray reckoned he and Myra were a good match for each other. And it amused and excited him that by pure chance, he had ended up playing the matchmaker! And maybe Geoff and Myra might end up getting married, just like Yuri and Lena had done!
Ray's imagination was beginning to get carried away again and he knew it, but this time he didn't care. Well, it wasn't impossible, there had been weddings in Wentworth in the past! He could just see it now. Myra grinning and laughing as she twirled around in a beautiful white dress and tossed the bouquet, Pixie racing to catch it, and of course he would make the wedding cake! And little Sam Greenway could help him with the decorative icing. It would be so LOVELY! And in the prison garden there would be an orchestra playing happy bouncy music, and everyone would dance! Hmm, maybe that was going a bit far, maybe a live orchestra wouldn't be permitted, but in that case he'd bring in a cassette player, he had several tapes full of happy bouncy songs. Matt and Frank and Mr Murphy and Miss Freak would NOT be on the guest list, and if they did try to spoil things, he could always spike their food with laxatives. That would keep them busy while everyone else enjoyed the celebrations!
Ray loved weddings. Prior to coming to Wentworth, he had catered for many wedding receptions, and even though the couples were complete strangers, it always gave Ray a warm feeling to watch them. Ray wished he and Vladi could get married, but since that wasn't allowed, sharing in the joy of other people's weddings was the next best thing. And he had fond memories of Yuri and Lena's wedding, because it had been the last time he'd seen his mother looking really, really happy. Raya was already very ill by then, but it hadn't stopped her from finding the strength to dance, and her smile was radiant. Even Sergei's presence couldn't put a dampener on things that day!
---
Ray was grinning as he returned to the Kitchen. Myra was stirring the custard, and immediately looked up as he entered.
"Well, what did you two talk about?" she asked impatiently.
"Oh, Geoff just wanted some advice about growing vegetables, what colour the pumpkins should be when they're ripe enough to pick, those kind of things," Ray replied casually, tucking a stray tuft of hair back under his hat with one finger.
Myra did not look convinced. "Then what are you looking so happy about? Come on Ray, spit it out!"
Ray stared at her. "I NEVER spit in my kitchen, and I hope you don't either! What a DISGUSTING-"
Myra threw up her hands in exasperation.
"I mean, just tell me the truth!"
"Honestly petal, the reason I was smiling just then was because I was thinking about my plans for a friend's wedding. Cross my heart!" Ray beamed at her. "Anyway lovey, how's the custard coming along?"
THE END
It was midday at Wentworth and Ray Proctor was in a cheerful mood. By Wentworth's standards, it had been a peaceful morning, and he felt a little more relaxed than usual. Myra and the other girls had done a wonderful job getting lunch prepared and had finished ahead of schedule, and what was more, both Miss Ferguson and Mr Murphy were on night shift, giving Ray a welcome break from their presence during his working hours.
Ray had seen Mr Murphy driving home from the prison early that morning, as he was on his way to work. Ray had been crossing the road when he suddenly heard a car horn honk loudly and impatiently. Ray had jumped, and looked around in surprise, how RUDE, the traffic lights were still red! And then, seeing Mr Murphy at the steering wheel, Ray had given him a sparkling grin and ran extra camply in front of his car to the opposite pavement, bouncing on his toes and flapping his hands girlishly in front of his chest. Behind him, the lights changed to green, and Ray had giggled as he heard Mr Murphy angrily revving his engine before accelerating away.
Now alone in the kitchen (the women had taken the food trolleys out to the Dining Room) Ray began to hum to himself, softly and quietly at first, then louder as he filled the sink with water, ready for the dirty cooking pots.
"Hm HMMM hm hm hm hm, HM hm hm HM HMMMM..."
Behind Ray, the swinging doors parted and Myra walked in, pushing a now empty trolley. Myra listened for a few seconds, then a smile grew on her lips.
"Eh... Ray... am I imagining it, or are you humming the theme tune from The Smurfs?"
Ray turned around with a big grin on his face.
"I certainly was! Do you watch that show too, Myra petal?"
"Wellll..." Myra thought for a few seconds. "I have seen the odd episode here and there, but I can't say I'm a regular viewer, no. If the girls saw me watching it, they'd think their Top Dog was a softie and I'd lose face." She grinned and winked.
" Well, I LOVE it, and I'm not embarrassed to admit it, " Ray replied, his eyes shining. "It's the best show I've ever seen since I came to Australia. I think whoever thought up the idea of the Smurfs should be given a prize for cultural achievement. Did you know, they even have a Smurf like ME in the Smurf village?"
Myra raised one eyebrow.
"Hmm, I'm not sure I know what you mean..."
"He wears a FLOWER on his hat. And he always carries a mirror with him."
"Ahh! You mean Vanity Smurf."
"He's NOT vain. He's just fussy about his appearance. And he IS one of us, it's obvious. But all the other Smurfs completely accept him and include him in everything, and no one calls him bad names, and everyone's so kind to each other... oh Myra, if only people lived like the Smurfs, it would be heaven on Earth!" Ray bounced on his toes and clapped his hands together.
"Well, I have to agree with you there, " Myra laughed.
Ray was happy that Myra had been assigned to the Kitchen that day, and he wished she could be there more often. Most days she worked in the Laundry instead. It was funny, the first time he'd met her, she'd seemed like such a scary lady, but he soon realised that she was one of the warmest and friendliest women at Wentworth. Sometimes Myra had her grumpy days, but it was always for a good reason, she was either worried about the other girls, or about her son or daughter. She was that way because she cared.
"I'm going to sing that song while we tidy up," Ray told her. "You can join in if you want."
"Ha ha, I don't think so, you haven't heard my singing voice." Myra looked slightly embarrassed.
Ray skipped around the tables, gathering the big pots and singing.
"La LAA la la la la, sing a happy song! La LAA la la la la, Smurf the whole day long!"
Myra laughed. "Ahh, bugger it. Why the hell not?"
Then she joined in.
"La LAA la la la la, sing a happy song..."
The two of them continued singing until Joyce Barry appeared in the Kitchen doorway. She smiled and gave a little cough.
"La LAA- oh, Mrs BARRY! How lovely to see you!" Ray greeted her. Myra smiled and began to scrub the pots.
"Well, it IS nice to see you so cheerful!" Joyce beamed. Myra giggled to herself, only Mrs Barry would react like that.
"Everything going to schedule, Ray? No problems?"
"Everything's GREAT, Mrs Barry... but, now you mention it, I do need to ask you a small favour."
"Oh?"
"Well, I just remembered, I need to drop into one of the shops nearby... I'll only be 20 minutes or so, but I thought I should tell you, in case there has to be someone here to supervise the girls."
"Well... that isn't a problem at all, I can stay here while you're gone."
"Thank you sweetie- ah- I mean, thank you Mrs Barry. I'll just be a couple of ticks!"
Ray skipped out of the Kitchen, leaving behind a blushing Joyce.
"Sweetie..." she slowly repeated to herself.
Myra chuckled.
---
By now the sun was high in the sky. Ray normally avoided going outside in the midday heat, but today it had to be done, because the dessert that evening was going to be Vanilla Pudding, and Ray had run low on vanilla essence. These days the Department was much more stingy with the quantity and quality of food supplies issued to Wentworth, making Ray feel guilty for sneakily taking home food in the past. Obviously his previous order lists- calculated to generously feed all the girls and leave extra goodies for himself- had been considered too extravagant, and now they were having a crackdown. So now when he was short of ingredients he had to buy them himself. This meant that he had less money to spend on clothes and going out, but feeding the girls was more important, it was only fair. As for the vanilla essence running out, he knew he had no one but himself to blame, because he was always dabbing it behind his ears and on his wrists. He loved the smell of it, and it helped him to feel nice and fresh while working in the heat of the kitchen all day.
Ray was halfway to the gate when he caught sight of the three Woodridge men working in the garden, and he froze on the spot in surprise. He'd been in on the secret when the men had first been brought in, and he'd heard a lot about them from the officers and the women, but his was the first time he'd seen them with his own eyes.
None of them had spotted him yet. Two of them, a stocky looking young man and an older man with a slim but still strong body and grey hair, had their heads down, digging out weeds. The third man was slacking off, leaning on his spade, with his head turned in the opposite direction, watching out for Pat Slattery, who was standing several metres down the hill, her attention elsewhere. But just as Ray looked at him, Frank turned around. Ugh, what an horrible face! Ray thought. Like a rat from the sewer! Immediately he could guess who was who, and with Frank Burke watching him, he didn't want to hang around. Ray looked straight ahead, ignoring Frank's gaze, and hurried towards the gate.
Frank strolled over to Matt and nudged him with his toe.
"Hey Delaney, you're in luck, it's that poof from the kitchen!"
Matt stood up and glared at him. "What are you talking about?"
"Down there. Near the gate. He was staring at your bum just a second ago." Frank grinned and gave a filthy laugh. "His eyeballs were on STALKS! You shoulda SEEN it!"
Matt's eyes bulged, and the colour drained from his face for a moment.
Geoff had also stood up, and was watching Ray curiously.
"So THAT'S Gay Ray, eh? Well, I've got nothing against him. He certainly knows how to cook us a good meal. "
"Ha- HAAAAH!" Frank shouted. "You gonna fight Delaney for him, eh? I should've guessed you weren't normal!"
Matt was blushing now, and his nostrils flared in anger. "SHUT YOUR MOUTH, FRANK! JUST SHUT UP!"
Geoff put a hand on Matt's shoulder.
"Easy, son. I don't know why Frank here-" Geoff glanced over at Frank - has all these ideas about men on men all the time, but if you ask me, it says more about him than it does about us."
He shoved a wheelbarrow full of weeds in Frank's direction.
"We're sick of hearing your fantasies, so why don't you piss off to the compost heap and give us some peace!"
---
Ray was deep in thought as he made his way towards the supermarket. He was thinking about Matt Delaney, though not in the way Frank would have imagined. Ray DID think Matt was handsome, he couldn't ignore that, but he was a little too young for Ray's tastes, and besides, Ray already had a boyfriend and wouldn't have dreamed of being unfaithful. No, Ray was fascinated by Matt for a different reason.
Soon after the men had arrived at Wentworth, Ray had overheard Mr Murphy making nasty comments about Matt to the other officers, making snide insinuations about his sexual orientation. And when Matt had been hurt out in the garden, Ray had heard all about it from Pixie, and he had immediately guessed that Matt's injuries had been no accident. Most likely, it was that horrible rodent-faced Frank who had hit Matt with the rake, ripping his hands open! Or maybe it could have been Mr Murphy, Ray had heard rumours about his violent tendencies too. Matt had been too scared to say who it was, and no wonder! But whichever scumbag was responsible, Ray could guess their motive- they must have hated Matt because he was gay, and they attacked him because they thought they could get away with it. At the time Ray had felt angry and sickened on Matt's behalf. He still felt that way, and seeing Matt in the flesh today only made him feel more strongly about it. Such a kind-faced, honest looking lad, hard-working and rosy-cheeked, Matt reminded Ray of himself at that age. And he couldn't help feeling emotional, couldn't help his imagination starting to wander. The poor boy! He must have had a difficult life. Perhaps Matt's family had rejected him and kicked him out to fend for himself, and he'd fallen in with the wrong crowd, and one thing had led to another. And then to be sent to Woodridge, and be locked up with mean, hateful gay bashers...
Matt looked a strong boy though, Ray thought, and he must have been pretty tough to have come through all that. But still, Ray was overwhelmed with sorrow at his plight, and hoped that somehow he could help Matt in some way. He'd already made a special effort with the meals for Matt when the boy was in the infirmary, but if only he had the chance to talk to Matt, he could offer some support, be a friend, show Matt that he cared and that he understood only too well how it felt to be rejected, insulted, threatened and hurt for being what he was, who he was. It made so much difference, meant so much to have someone on your side at a time when it seemed as if most of the world was against you!
Ray wished for a chance to talk to Matt alone, although he doubted very much that would happen. There was always an officer watching the men, and Frank was there too- Au! How Frank gave him the creeps! It was such a shame, because Ray was sure he and Matt would be great friends if only they could talk together. The friendship would bring comfort to Ray too. He would be able to tell Matt things he hadn't felt able to tell the girls in the kitchen, because Matt would understand.
Ray was great friends with several of the Wentworth women, but he had always been selective about what information he revealed to who. He talked little about his love life, and even less about his past. When he had said anything about his upbringing, it was usually a happy anecdote from his childhood. Ray tried not to dwell on his past too much at work, because it made him emotional, and he was sure that if he started telling one of the girls anything sad, the floodgates would burst open and he'd babble and babble and not be able to stop. He'd come dangerously close to doing that once, not long ago when Reb Kean was still at Wentworth. Ray had believed he could trust her at the time, before he'd discovered, to his horror, that she'd been pushing drugs and terrorising the other girls. Ray regretted saying anything to Reb now, he'd never have told her anything if he'd known what she was really like. But that time she'd seemed so friendly and ready to share a memory of her own past with Ray, and her sudden, unexpected openness had caught him off-guard.
Reb had told him about her younger brother Danny, who had died several years ago in a car accident. Reb didn't talk about the accident itself, but about the time before that, when her parents were always going away to some high-society social function, leaving her and Danny alone to get up to all sorts of mischief, like going joyriding in the family car (or, if it wasn't available, the neighbours cars) and throwing wild parties in the house, which usually resulted in trouble. One time, Reb and Danny decided to have a barbeque in the garden, and young Danny had spilled the lighter fluid, resulting in half the garden going up in flames in a matter of seconds. In a panic, Danny had screamed for Reb to get behind him while he tried in vain to put the fire out, but at that moment the wind changed direction, and sparks flew at Danny, setting his hair alight. Luckily Reb had her jacket in her hand, and she quickly threw it over her brother's head, instantly smothering the flames, and Danny was incredibly fortunate to escape without serious burns. But the garden, and part of a neighbour's fence, were totally ruined, and Mr and Mrs Kean were furious. Reb had told Ray this story with a smile on her face and a dry laugh in her throat, but Ray could sense that she deeply cared about her little brother, badly missed him, and felt responsible for any harm that came to him. And although Ray's own upbringing had been completely different from Reb's, he felt he could identify with her feelings towards her brother.
Ray too had a brother two years younger, who had also been crazy, daring and accident-prone. Yuri couldn't have been more different from Ray personality-wise, indeed one of Ray's childhood friends had once said that he and Yuri were like silk and sandpaper. Ray (or more accurately Sasha, which had been his original name back then) was quiet, soft, floppy haired and gentle, while Yuri was loud, hard, spiky-haired and tough. Sasha grew up to be a chef, while Yuri became a soldier like his father. But despite their differences, the brothers shared a warm, strong, loyal bond throughout their childhood and adolescence. Unlike Danny, Yuri still lived, but he now was thousands of miles away from Ray both geographically- he was currently in Afghanistan, fighting the Mojahedin- and in spirit.
After discovering that his older brother was gay, Yuri had reacted first with disbelief and denial, then with fury and bitterness, because from Yuri's perspective, life had been great until everything had been ruined because of Sasha and his selfish, unnatural, perverted desires. Their parents marriage had broken down soon after Sasha's secret had come out. Sasha's father, Sergei, completely rejected his son, and blamed Sasha's mother, Raya, for Sasha 'turning out' the way he was, because she had been so soft on him, and encouraged him in his love of cooking, 'causing the boy to lose touch with his masculinity'. Raya defended her son, saying that there was nothing wrong with him and that Sergei was afraid of what he didn't understand. There had been terrible arguments, and then the divorce, and Raya was never the same afterwards, she fell into a depression, lost her appetite, and became physically weaker. By the time she gave in to her worried sons and friends pleas to see a doctor, it was too late. Raya's physical symptoms were not due to a broken heart, or to stress. Raya had terminal cancer.
Before Raya died, she asked Yuri to make an effort to get along better with Sasha. Yuri knew it meant a lot to her, so he tried his best, and things improved a little bit, but still, he could never see Sasha in the same way as he used to, couldn't be around him for more than a few minutes without his eyes and his body language making it obvious that he felt awkward and resentful. The tension between them was horrible, especially if the two of them were together in a small room. It made Sasha feel almost as if he was standing in a cage with a tiger that was pacing around growling quietly and flicking its tail. Yuri had never been very good at dealing with emotional conflicts, and to him, the situation with Sasha was so confusing, weird, infuriating, insane and tragic, he found it impossible to make any sense of it.
Then Raya died, and both her sons were stricken with grief. Sasha felt as if his life was in a million pieces, his mother had been the centre of his universe. And he could tell Yuri was as devastated by Raya's death as he was, although Yuri wouldn't talk much to him about it, and that made Sasha feel even worse. Sometimes he blamed himself, thinking that maybe, if he'd managed to continue pretending he was a 'normal man' for longer, everything might been different, his mother would have spotted her first cancer symptoms in time to be saved, his parents would still be together, and he and his brother would be talking and laughing and joking like before. Sasha was filled with guilt, and felt there was no future for him the way things were, at least not if he stayed where he was, and it was then that he began to think about leaving the Soviet Union. His mother was dead, his father hated him to the point of wishing he'd never been born at all, and he was sure that in Yuri's eyes he was now nothing but a pain and an embarrassment, and a reminder of everything that had gone wrong. So one day, when Yuri was away with the army for training exercises outside the city, Sasha quietly disappeared from Leningrad and never came back.
Now Ray had only one connection left with his former homeland, and that was Yuri's wife Lena, his sister-in-law. She had been a close friend of Sasha's (in fact, it was through Sasha that she and Yuri had met in the first place) and had known about his 'secret' before Sasha's family had found out. Nowadays she wrote to Ray in Australia every few months, occasionally sending photos, and, if Ray was lucky, sometimes his brother, if he was at home on leave, would write a short message and Lena would put in it the envelope along with her letter. Yuri's letters- or rather notes- were never profound. He wrote hardly anything about Afghanistan- which was understandable- and mentioned nothing about the family's past turmoil. Nearly always, it was just a few random, blunt statements concerning the contents of Ray's most recent letter to his wife. "Do you still ice-skate?" Yuri had written in his latest message. "You're getting fatter. Lena showed me the picture of you on the beach and you looked almost pregnant. You should get yourself a pair of 7kg dumbells and go running!"
Ray had been quite stung by that comment, but nevertheless, was glad to hear from him anyway. At least it implied that Yuri still cared about his brother's well-being, even if he couldn't express it in a kind or gentle way. And anyway, Yuri had never had the most delicate way of phrasing things even when the two of them had got along well. He was as subtle as a Katyusha, as their mother used to say.
Ray's boyfriend Vladi, who unlike Ray had left Russia for political rather than personal reasons, couldn't understand how Ray could still feel anything for his brother and sister-in-law, and did not conceal his displeasure whenever a letter from "those two communists" arrived and Ray would get all excited and hurry into another room to read it in private. Ray felt he understood why Vladi was sensitive about it, and out of respect for Vladi's feelings, he avoided mentioning Yuri in their conversations, but still, he felt sad that he wasn't allowed to talk about him.
Ray had not told Reb about all this, he had only told her a silly story from his childhood, but telling it had stirred up his emotions, and after the dinner bell had rung, he'd spent several minutes having a quiet cry in the Staff Toilets. And now he really regretted trusting Reb at all. He wondered why she'd told him the story about Danny in the first place, had it been a sneaky tactic to make Ray think she trusted him enough to share private stories, encouraging him to open up to her, hoping he'd tell her some information she could later blackmail him with? He couldn't put anything past her. Still, he felt sorry for her, because he was sure she hadn't made her story up, and that her feelings about Danny had been real. It was proof that Reb Kean was, or had at one time been, capable of love and loyalty. Maybe losing Danny had been what had flipped the switch, changed her world, screwed her up. And although Ray felt relieved to have Reb out of his hair now, he wished she hadn't been sent to Blackmoor, and he'd felt guilty about that, because just before she was transferred he had told Miss Ferguson that he wasn't going to protect Reb any more. But if Blackmoor was anything like it was in the rumours Ray had heard, Reb hadn't deserved THAT, she deserved to be punished, yes, but Blackmoor was too much...
But he couldn't think about Reb now, she wasn't his responsibility any more. Ray had a big heart, but if he spent all his time worrying about everyone who'd ever had a place in it, he'd never stop worrying, and he couldn't live life like that.
---
The supermarket was quiet, and there were no queues at this time of day. Ray bought six little bottles of vanilla essence, complimented the cashier on her new hairstyle, carefully put the bottles in his brown leather bag, and headed back.
As he approached the prison, he noticed a figure in navy blue clothing moving in the garden, on the other side of the chain link fence, near the tool shed. Ray paused to take a closer look. It was Matt! He had his back turned, but it was unmistakeably him, and he seemed to be on his own! Ray's heart jumped with surprise and excitement. Maybe he might get a chance to speak to Matt after all! But he had to hurry up, and be careful. Ray quickened his walk, and unconciously began to flap his hands in front of him. He reached the gate, where fortunately the same guard was on duty and didn't bother to do the routine ID check, entered the prison grounds, and headed for the garden area. He looked around cautiously, trying to see if Frank, Geoff or Mrs Slattery were nearby. Ray instinctively guessed that talking to the male prisoners was not allowed, although he'd never been told so explicitly. He knew it was against the rules to fraternise with the women (not that he'd ever obeyed that rule anyway) but as no one had told him not to fraternise with the men, then Mrs Reynolds wouldn't be too harsh on him if he was caught, surely...
Then Ray caught sight of Geoff and Frank several metres away down the slope, near the red brick wall of the prison building. They were talking to Mrs Slattery. Ray couldn't hear what they were saying, but he hoped they were distracted enough not to notice him as he sneaked across the garden, ducking behind the taller trees every few metres and double-checking no-one had seen him. Loose white overalls were good protection from the sun, but they were very poor camouflage!
At last he reached the tool shed, and was relieved to see that Matt was still there. He hadn't seen Ray yet, he was crouching with his head down, tying up a black sack full of dead branches. The scars on the back of his hands were clearly visible. Ray relaxed his shoulders, clasped his hands together behind his back and gave a little cough. Matt looked up, startled.
"Hellooo," Ray said, smiling at Matt and bouncing on his toes a little.
Matt's eyes were wide. "W-wh-wh-what are YOU doing here?" he stuttered.
Ray was a little surprised, Matt's tone sounded almost defensive. He must have scared the poor boy! Poor Matt, Pixie had been right about him, he was such a shy young man!
"Shhhh... it's OK... I know I'm not supposed to be here," Ray winked, trying to reassure him. "If anyone comes, I'll tell them I talked to you first. I promise you won't get in any trouble."
Matt slowly rose to his feet. "Why are you talking to me, and what do you want?" he asked. He still didn't sound very friendly. Ray felt sad, Matt must have had a rougher time than he'd imagined.
"Please don't worry, I wasn't going to hassle you," Ray explained. "I know other people must have treated you badly, but I'm not like that. I know you're a nice boy, Pixie told me a lot about you. And when I saw you, I just wanted to talk to you... just... just to let you know that I can be your friend, if you want."
Matt looked shocked and confused. "P-p-pixie? She told you..." then he stopped mid-sentence and narrowed his eyes. "But...you...you...you're the queer chef, aren't you?!"
"...Yes... my name's Ray... and yes, I'm gay too. But I don't like the word 'queer', I think that-"
Matt's lip curled with hatred. "So you think I'M bent too, you bloody poof? Well I've got news for you, and the rest of the world for that matter: I'M NOT F**KING GAY!" he shouted.
Ray flinched back, stung, shocked and frightened. He couldn't believe this was happening! He'd been so sure Matt was someone like himself, how could he have got it so wrong? And not only was Matt not homosexual, it seemed as if he was as homophobic as Frank Burke and Mr Murphy!
"And I'll tell you something else, Ray," Matt snarled, his eyes blazing as he began to walk towards Ray menacingly, his shoulders coiled back like a carnivorous beast about to pounce, "If you want to be my 'friend'-"
"W-WAIT!" Ray yelped, backing away in fear. "I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I'm going now. I won't bother you again-"
"TOO BLOODY RIGHT YOU MADE A MISTAKE COMING ONTO ME, YOU DIRTY BLOODY MONGREL!" Matt yelled, lunging at Ray, who had already turned to run away, but found the wall of the tool shed blocking his way. Matt grabbed hold of Ray by the front of his overalls and slammed him hard into the shed wall. There was a crunch of breaking glass. Luckily for Ray, his shoulder bag had swung behind his back and taken most of the impact.
"Please don't hurt me, I wasn't going to hurt you, if you let me go I promise I won't tell anyone!" Ray pleaded frantically. Somewhere, not far away, he thought he could hear someone running.
Matt sneered, and tightened his grip on Ray, scratching the skin of his chest through his uniform.
"You won't be in any state to talk to anyone anyway when I've finished with you! I'm gonna teach you a lesson you'll never forget, I'm SICK of creeps like you-"
Matt never finished his sentence, because at that moment Geoff MacRae tackled him from behind, putting him in a headlock and dragging him back.
"G-Geoff! Wh-what the hell?!" Matt yelped, his eyes wide.
"YOU STUPID BLOODY MORON!" Geoff barked in Matt's ear. Then he turned his attention to Ray, who was half-slumped against the shed wall, frozen in shock.
"Bloody hell... are you OK, mate? I'm sorry about him, he's an idiot. Are you hurt?"
Ray struggled to find his voice. Tears had started to run down his cheeks. He stood up straight.
"N-no... I'll... I'll be OK." He sniffed hard. "I... I won't report it."
"Thanks mate... but don't worry, I'll deal with this one in my own way. I'm so sorry about this."
Matt struggled to free himself. "What the hell are you saying, Geoff? He's a creep! He came onto me!"
Geoff held him firmly. "Shut up, Matthew!"
"I didn't come onto him... I already have a boyfriend," Ray told him. "I wasn't flirting, I was just fr-fraternising. I wanted to be friends, that's all."
Geoff nodded. "It's OK Ray, I saw what happened, I know it wasn't your fault. This kid's the one who's got issues."
"I have NOT!" Matt was red in the face. "He's the one who's not normal! What's got into you, Geoff?"
"I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!" Geoff roared.
"I-I'd better be going," Ray said. He wiped his eyes and tried to smile at Geoff, but the corners of his mouth just wouldn't rise, his whole body felt numb. "Thank you for saving me, Geoff."
"That's alright. Take care, mate. Oh, and by the way... you cook the best prison food I've ever tasted. I think you're great."
Ray managed a half smile, and turned to walk away. Then suddenly he felt a pain in his stomach as if he'd been kicked there, and a wave of nausea washed over him, oh no, oh God, he was sure he was going to be sick, oh no no not here not now! He swallowed hard and ran towards the Wentworth building.
Matt spat a final gobbet of venom at Ray's fleeing back.
"AND DON'T COME BACK, YOU FLAMING QUEER!"
Geoff released Matt from the headlock, then roughly shoved him away. He checked that Mrs Slattery still wasn't around- Frank had been playing silly buggers all morning, so she mainly watched him, and not Matt and Geoff- then turned back to Matt, who was now staring at him in bewilderment, and gave him a loud, stinging slap across the left side of his face, then the right.
"You stupid bloody fool," Geoff growled. His brown eyes burned with anger under his bushy eyebrows. Matt cowered away from him, whimpering and covering his smarting cheeks with his hands.
"I thought I knew you so well, " Geoff continued, "but after seeing what I just saw... My God, you disgust me! I'd have expected Frank to pull a stunt like that, but not you! How long have you been inside, Matt?"
Matt raised his head. He was crying now.
"N-nearly t-two years..."
"Well, you haven't learned anything in that time, have you?! Have you forgotten the reason you're here in the first place?!"
Matt creased his brow.
"No, I haven't! And that's why I lost my temper with him! It was a perv like him that got me put inside in the first place! I thought you'd understand, Geoff!"
"Wrong!" Geoff snarled. "You got YOURSELF put inside for being a hooligan, a coward and a thug! And you haven't changed a bit!"
Matt began to sob hard, tears and snot dripping all over his uniform.
"G-Geoff, I thought you were my friend... you believe that fairy over me! Are you saying that you think I ASKED for it?"
"Oh, grow up! God, you still don't get it, do you? You really don't have a clue," Geoff sighed sadly.
"H-he was taller than me... I had to defend myself! And-and he had that creepy Russian accent as well... freaked me out... for God's sake, Geoff, for all we know, he could be a spy!" Matt gasped.
Geoff stared at him, shaking his head, lost for words at such mind-numbing stupidity. No wonder the boy had no friends on the outside!
Then the lunch bell rang inside the building.
"Wipe the snot off your face and shut up for a while," Geoff told Matt. "We'll have lunch- though I can't say I have much appetite right now- and then I'll talk to you again later, after you calm down."
Then Mrs Slattery called out to them from down the hill.
"Come on you two, didn't you hear the bell? Oh, don't tell me you still haven't finished tidying those branches away! What have you been doing all this time?!"
Matt scrubbed his red face with his sleeve as she approached them.
"Ah... Matt here had a touch of hayfever, Mrs Slattery," Geoff told her.
"Oh, dear... maybe you'd better get something for it from Sister," the officer replied, looking at Matt.
"N-no... I'll be OK."
Then Frank's grinning face popped up behind Mrs Slattery's shoulder.
"Hurry up you buggers, I'm bloody STARVED!"
Mrs Slattery sighed. "What did I just say to you about using that kind of foul language, Burke? Now move, or you'll be on a charge."
The three men headed towards the building, Frank strutting along in front.
"Y'know, I reckon having a healthy libido like mine must be good for the appetite, heh heh!" Frank cackled. " I'm so hungry, I don't care WHERE the chef's hands've been!"
---
In a cubicle in the Staff Toilets, Ray shakily tried to stand up before slumping dizzily against the wall. He groaned, crouched on the floor, put the toilet lid down, pulled himself up and sat down on the toilet. Fortunately the pain in his stomach and the urge to vomit had disappeared, but he still felt terrible, so dizzy and damp with sweat, his heart was thumping and he could feel himself trembling. He put his head between his knees, he had to try to calm down, after all, it could easily have been much worse! He was surprised that the incident outside had shaken him up so badly, although it had been a terrible shock. Ray had thought he could trust his instincts, and was good at judging which people might be potentially dangerous, but Matt turning out to be nasty had really thrown him off-balance. What a stupid, horrible mistake!
Ray felt like an idiot for dreaming up an idealised image of Matt before he'd talked to him. He realised now that his imagination had got carried away. Why on earth had he done that? He wasn't sure himself.
He tried to breathe deeper and slower, and gradually he felt his heartbeat slowing down. He'd stopped shaking now. He closed his eyes and listened to his own breathing, trying to imagine his surroundings away. He hated feeling fear and having to watch out for vicious, angry, insecure people. That was the price he had paid, and would most likely go on paying, for living life as his true self. He would probably go on running into bigots wherever he went. That was life. But it wasn't fair. And he didn't want to deal with it right now. He wanted to escape in his mind to somewhere safe, somewhere where he didn't have to worry or even think about the things he worried about now...
Ray inhaled deeply through his nostrils, his eyes still closed, and imagined a fresh, cool breeze, quiet and soothing, gently blowing over him, ruffling his hair. In his mind he pictured long grass, dry and brown, swaying around him.
---
He was 11 years old, sitting cross-legged in the long grass in the Summer Park, near the wide Neva river. In his hands he was plaiting long stems of dried grass, making a tiny doll, a present for his friend Olga. He wasn't so good at this as he was at cooking, but he was satisfied with how it was turning out, and he thought it looked quite sweet.
Suddenly he paused and raised his head. He hadn't heard a noise or noticed any sudden movement in the grass, but instinct told him to watch out, because he realised his little brother had been far too quiet for far too long, and judging by previous experience, that meant trouble. It was very likely that any moment now, Yuri would pounce on him from nowhere and pin him down in the grass. Yuri was very good at sneaking up on him and giving him a scare when he least expected it, and one of Yuri's favourite games in the summertime was to crawl unseen through the long grass, flat on his belly.
Sasha knew Yuri wouldn't hurt him when he pounced (at least, not intentionally) but he worried the doll might get damaged, so he wondered if he should call out, warn him off. Just then, the wind changed direction, and blew a pungent smell into Sasha's nostrils. Sasha giggled.
"Yu-ri Ser-gei-ev-iiich," he called out softly. "I know you're there, I can smell you!"
There was no reply. Sasha called out again.
"I told you not to eat so fast, but you wouldn't listen, would you? And you shouldn't crawl on your tummy just after you've eaten either, it's bad for your digestion. No wonder you're gassy!"
Yuri didn't answer this time, either.
"Besides," Sasha continued teasingly, "you never know what ELSE might be crawling around in the grass. There might be big spiders, or ticks, or maybe even a BIIIG SNAAAKE. And your clothes will be totally RUINED."
Sasha smiled to himself. He knew it was a bit mean to mention snakes, because he knew that they were the only animals that Yuri was afraid of. But Yuri was always making fun of him and calling him a big sissy for being scared of mice and jellyfish and woodlice and daddy-long-legs, so it was only fair to give him a little taste of his own medicine sometimes!
"Well, anyway," he continued "I'm making a present for Olga and it's kind of fragile, so if you HAVE to jump on me, please be careful."
A few seconds passed. The grass swayed in the breeze, the birds sang, children laughed in the distance. Then Sasha heard Yuri give a piercing scream, and saw him leap out of the grass about 5 metres to his left. Yuri's eyes were round with fear and he was holding his right upper arm tightly with his left hand.
"YAAAAAAAAAGH! SASHA! THERE WAS A SNAKE, AND IT BIT ME! HELP!"
For a couple of seconds, Sasha assumed his brother was messing around, and he almost laughed, but then he noticed that the colour had drained from Yuri's face, and there was blood on his elbow.
Yuri was crying. "If I squeeze my arm, will it stop the poison? I don't want to die!"
Sasha dropped the doll, raced up to his brother and grabbed hold of him, trying to get a closer look at his arm.
"Shush, shush, wait, let me see the bite. Try to stay calm, I'll get Mama-"
"What if it's too late? What if I die before she gets here?" Yuri was shaking. "Oh Sasha, I'm scared, I'm going to die! I'm going to die!" he sobbed. Then he broke wind loudly.
"STAY STILL!" Sasha pleaded. "You're not going to die!"
Yuri gulped and looked his brother in the eyes with great sadness.
"Sasha... after I'm dead, you won't tell Papa I cried, will you? And don't tell Natasha or Olga that I farted in my last moments!"
"Oh, Yuri, that's not important-" Sasha stopped mid-sentence, spotting the thorny twig embedded in the back of Yuri's elbow.
"And tell Andrei Nikolayevich that he can have the little Sputnik I keep on my bedside table," Yuri continued tearfully.
"Yuri, it isn't a snake bite. You've got a prickly twig stuck in your arm," Sasha reassured him. "Here, I'll pull it out."
Sasha carefully removed it, making sure no thorns were left in the skin. Two tiny streams of blood oozed out where the biggest thorns had been, and Sasha winced, he hated the sight of blood, but this was no time to be squeamish.
"Come on, we'd better get Mama, she'll clean it up properly," Sasha said.
Yuri was quiet now. He sniffed and wiped his face. He looked embarrassed.
Sasha smiled. "I'm so relieved it was only a twig! You know, you really had me worried for a moment there. My heart's still thumping!"
He ruffled Yuri's hair. "I know that I overreact to things all the time, but I had no idea you could ever be so... well...dramatic! Talking about dying, and your last wishes..."
"I wanted to be brave," Yuri said sadly, his eyes welling up with fresh tears. "I TRIED to be brave... and if I HAD died... I... I wanted Papa to be proud of me..."
"Hey... hey! Enough of that! You were very brave!" Sasha said. He spread his arms wide and gave Yuri a big warm hug, pulling him close to his chest, and kissed him on the head. "I'm sure Papa is very proud of you. And please stop talking about death, you're too young to be even THINKING about dying."
Yuri sniffled, and snuggled his little head under Sasha's chin. Sasha slowly rubbed his back. He could hear Yuri breathing, and could feel his body starting to relax, he was calmer now. Sasha smiled, it was unusual for Yuri to tolerate being hugged like this for long. Soon he would probably wriggle himself free and run off to find a new game to play. But right now he wanted comfort.
Sasha began to sing softly, a song his mother had taught him about a little hedgehog with a prickly back, curling up tight to hide its soft belly.
---
Ray was quietly singing the song under his breath when suddenly the corridor outside the Staff Toilets echoed with hurried footsteps and the sound of two female officers talking. Ray's eyes snapped open. Oooh, the light seemed so bright! And what was that sweet smell? Oh NO, how long had he been here, sitting on the toilet with his head between his knees, singing in Russian?! If anyone had overheard him, they would think he'd lost his mind! He quickly raised his head. He wasn't dizzy any more, but WHUF, he'd been sweating, and he could smell it along with that other smell- what WAS that other smell? It seemed so familiar...
Ray took a deep breath. OK! Time to wake up!
"My name is Raymond Proctor, " he said quietly. " I am 32 years old. I live at Flat 3, Cauliflower Hill, Melbourne, Australia. It's February 1985, and I'm sitting in the Staff Toilets of Wentworth Detention Centre. I am talking to myself, but I hope I'm still sane."
Then he heard someone else enter the room.
"Ray, are you in here?" Mrs Barry called out anxiously.
Ray's eyes grew wide. Oh NO! Poor Joyce, he'd forgotten all about her! He'd told her to supervise the girls while he went to the shops, however long ago that was!
"Oh Mrs Barry, I'm sorry!" Ray gasped, quickly jumping onto his feet, grabbing his bag and opening the cubicle door.
Joyce was staring at him with deep concern in her eyes.
"Are you alright?" She asked. "Whatever happened to you?"
"I'm so sorry I disappeared," Ray told her. He noticed how dry his mouth was, he needed a drink of water. "I... I got very dizzy walking in the sun, and after I came through the gate I... I fainted in the prison garden. And when I came round, I thought I was going to be sick, so I ran in here."
"Oh dear!" Joyce said. "You poor thing... I think you should see Sister Hall right away!"
"No, no, no, there's no need," Ray held up his hands. "I feel fine now. I just need to drink some water, and wash a little bit, and maybe have something to eat."
"Are you SURE? If you fainted, maybe you ought to take the rest of the day off, it won't be a problem-"
"No, no, I'll be alright. I'm so sorry I worried you," Ray said earnestly. "What about the Kitchen, are things OK in there?"
"Well, they were when I left, but Myra and a couple of the others were a bit worried when you didn't come back. Pat's gone there now."
"Well, I'd better hurry back and let them know I'm alright," Ray smiled. "I'll just have a quick wash first, and change my overalls."
"Well, if you insist, I can't stop you, but I still think you should let Sister Hall have a look at you. We don't want you fainting again, do we?"
"I won't faint again, I promise." Ray managed a little laugh.
"I hope not!" Joyce exclaimed. "Oh! You've got dirty marks all over your back-"
"That happened when I fell over."
"And- ooh- what's that smell?"
Ray suddenly knew what it was, and remembered the noise his bag had made when Matt had slammed him up against the shed. His eyes grew wide.
"Oh no, NO..."
He quickly took off his bag, rested it on a sink, opened it and looked inside.
"AUUUUUU!" he moaned.
"What's the matter? What happened?" Joyce gasped.
Ray sighed sadly. "It's vanilla essence. We'd run out in the Kitchen, so I went to buy some extra bottles... but when I fell down... three of them smashed. And my bag is leather... it's totally RUINED!" He stared at it in dismay.
"Oh, I'm sorry Ray, I really am," Joyce said. She put a hand on his shoulder. "But at least you didn't break any bones when you fell over, eh!"
Ray sighed again. "I guess you're right, I'm being silly. But I really liked that bag."
Joyce racked her brains. "Hmm, well, maybe it can be cleaned up after all... we do have a laundry here. I doubt we can get it looking brand new, but it's better than nothing."
"I guess so... oh, I'm sorry for being such a misery-guts! You're being so helpful, and here I am, frowning like the Wicked Witch of the West! " Ray shook his head and smiled. "I'd better stop before I get wrinkles, ha ha!"
Joyce smiled back, her worries reassured. Now Ray sounded just like his usual self!
---
The next few hours of Ray's day passed without incident, and the girls worked quietly as they prepared dinner. Ray was relieved that neither Pixie, Bobbie or Marlene were tin the Kitchen today. He loved those three girls dearly, but one thing they all had in common was that they all raved on about Matt as if he was the sweetest boy who had ever walked the earth, and Ray couldn't bear to hear that sort of talk now. They weren't the most quick or efficient workers either. Pixie, angelic as she was, had a terrible habit of miscalculating measurements of salt and curry powder, and could transform a carefully prepared culinary masterpiece into a tongue-burning, eye watering disaster in a matter of seconds. Bobbie was prone to mood swings and escape attempts, and was usually too distracted by some drama or another to pay proper attention to preparing the food. And Marlene... well, she always enjoyed being in the kitchen, but not actually doing any work there, and when Ray was in a bad mood he found her jokes about as funny as a getting a chilli seed in his eye.
"Are you sure you're alright, Ray?" Myra asked, peering around his shoulder as he chopped a carrot. "You've been very quiet this afternoon."
"Oh, I'm fine, lovey... just tired, that's all. I think the sun took the energy out of me. I won't be going for any more lunchtime walks in this heat, I can tell you. Uuuuuf..." Ray yawned and stretched out his arms.
Myra smiled. "Yeah, well make sure you keep drinking plenty of water. Me and the girls have got enough to worry about without the best cook we've ever had fainting on the job." She patted Ray affectionately on his hip before walking away.
Ray gave a little laugh. "That felt nice, petal. Is that what you used to do to your husband?"
Myra stopped in her tracks, brows creased.
"My HUSBAND?!" she exclaimed. Ray's smiled faded in horror as he realised what he'd said.
"Oh Myra, I'm sorry, that was a stupid thing for me to say, please don't be angry with me!" he pleaded. "I'm just tired, and what you did was sweet, and I didn't THINK-"
Myra sighed. "It's OK... ah, bugger it... I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to snap at you. And I don't know why I patted you like that, it was kind of unconcious. I guess I... well... I'm not too wrapped about men in general at the moment. Not men like you- I mean men... men like most men! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not making any sense."
"But I'm an exception?" Ray asked nervously, hoping he was right.
Myra smiled again. "Well... yeah, you are. "At least with you I don't have to worry about your intentions towards the girls. So many guys act like they're gentlemen, when really it's just a trick to get what they want, and you only find out what they're really like when it's too bloody late."
"I know," Ray said quietly. "I've met some men like that, too." He paused. "But sometimes it can happen the other way around. Sometimes you see a man and you think, hmmm, he has a hard face, he doesn't look very friendly, but then he talks to you and it turns out you have it all wrong, and he's a very nice man. You can't judge people by appearances. And that goes for women too, of course."
"Ha ha, God, don't I know it!" Myra laughed. "Anyway, sorry to moan, I shouldn't complain when I know you haven't been feeling well. I've just been a bit worried for the other girls sake since the men were allowed to mix with us. The young ones reckon all their birthdays have come at once, but they don't think about consequences, and if any of them were to get in trouble... well, I have to look out for them."
"Of course, of course," Ray smiled. "You're a good Top Dog. But I tell you something, Geoff is a good man. I met him today."
Myra looked surprised. "GEOFF!? Are you talking about Geoff MacRae?"
"Of course I am, petal, there's only one Geoff in the garden! "
Myra stepped closer to Ray and looked him in the eyes.
"Rugged-looking bloke, right? Old fisherman type, grey hair, Brezhnev eyebrows, weather-beaten complexion?"
"YES sweetie, we ARE talking about the same person!" Ray laughed. "But I don't think Geoff's eyebrows are THAT big."
"WHEN did you talk to him? What did he say?"
"It was this lunchtime. He, ah... he helped me when I fainted outside. Anyway, you've already met him, you must already know he's a nice man. He reminds me a bit of you. Stern but fair."
Ray carried the chopping board over to the stove and tipped the chopped carrots into one of the pots, while Myra stared into space for a few seconds, deep in thought.
"Oh, and Myra, petal," Ray called, "I'm sorry, but the bin is full. Can you take it to the skip, please?"
---
Myra slowly dragged the heavy bin toward the skip, preoccupied with her thoughts. She was very curious about what Ray had just said. If Geoff WAS a good bloke, then maybe, Myra thought, it was time she backed down off her high horse and gave him a chance. Although that would be difficult, because by now she was sure Geoff had the impression she was a sour bitch, and apologising to him now would not be an easy thing to do, because it would mean admitting her first impressions of him had been wrong. It would also make her feel more vulnerable, because then he would wonder why she'd had a change of heart about him all of a sudden, and he might wonder if she had feelings for him! And the worst thing about it was, he'd be right.
Myra sighed, frustrated with herself. It constantly annoyed her that she secretly found Geoff attractive, and she had no idea how or why it had happened. After all, he was so arrogant, self-righteous, stubborn and annoying! She guessed it was a result of subconcious desperation and loneliness on her part, and some invisible, unexplainable chemistry. But whatever it was, she couldn't afford to reveal it to anyone! She had only just regained the women's faith in her abilities as Top Dog, and she had to set the others a good example!
When she reached the skip, she paused for a few seconds, remembering the first time she and Geoff had set eyes on each other, in that exact spot. Geoff had been carrying some rubbish from the garden. He'd been sweating in the heat of the sun, and despite the unpleasant odours emanating from the skip, the scent of him, that musky male smell, had invaded her nostrils without warning, setting off signals in her brain and making her body tingle, but the suddenness of it had caught her off guard and scared her, and she'd reacted by roughly pushing Geoff away with her angry words.
Perhaps it's not Geoff himself, Myra thought. Perhaps the smell of any man, after all this time, would have affected her the same way. She didn't know. But standing in that spot brought back a rush of visual memories, Geoff smiling at her, with his eyes the colour of melting cooking chocolate, and his tanned, leathery skin.
It suddenly occurred to Myra that Geoff couldn't be tanned and crinkly-skinned all over. They wouldn't have allowed him to sunbathe at Woodridge. No, his chest and stomach, with its still taut, wiry muscles, would be paler, and the skin smooth. And his chest would definately be hairy, if his eyebrows and forearms were anything to go by. Myra felt her skin tingling, her face going hot...
DAMN IT!! She screamed in her mind. What the hell had she just been doing, letting her mind wander in that direction?! It must have been the heat. No wonder Ray had fainted. Now the heat was doing funny things to her too. She was even imagining that she could smell Geoff right at that moment!
"Myra," Geoff said.
Myra spun around to face him, eyes wide. Oh NO! She thought. Well, at least she knew now that she could smell him for real, her mind hadn't been playing tricks on her.
Geoff was carrying a sack of garden rubbish, same as before. He seemed to be in a pleasant enough mood.
"And so we meet again," he said, and laughed. Myra tried to laugh along with him, but no sound came out. She coughed and found her voice.
"Ah... yeah, so we do. And?"
Damn, she thought, why did her own voice sound so unfriendly? Why did she reflexively behave like that? She saw disappointment in Geoff's eyes, and felt a pang of guilt within her.
" Myra," he sighed. "Don't let's start. I didn't want to argue. Actually I was hoping I'd run into you here..."
Myra raised her thin eyebrows. "Oh? How come?"
"Well, you're on kitchen duty, and I wanted to find out if Ray's OK. How's he feeling now?"
"Oh, he's fine," Myra managed to smile, her tone a little warmer now. "He told me how he fainted out here... and how you helped him. Lucky you were there, eh."
Geoff creased his brows in slight confusion. Fainted? He thought. Then he realised Ray must have told Myra a different story. Well, if that was what Ray had wanted Myra to think, then he'd better go along with it too. Actually that might be the best idea, because now it occurred to him that Myra might hold him responsible for Matt running riot if she knew the truth, and he didn't want an argument about that.
He took a deep breath. "Actually, now you're here, I wondered if you could do me a favour. Could you ask Ray if he could meet me here in about 15 minutes from now? I'll be bringing some more rubbish here anyway, and I wanted to have a quick chat with him."
"OK, I'll ask him," Myra agreed. "I don't know if he'll say yes though, it'll depend if he has time. What did you want to talk to him about?"
Geoff found himself stuck for words. "Ah... er... does it matter?"
Myra frowned. "It does if it's something I need to worry about."
"Well you don't need to worry," Geoff told her. He sighed. "Come on Myra, trust me for once, will ya?"
Myra stared at him for a long moment, remembering what Ray had told her.
"Well, Ray told me he reckons you're a good boy," she said finally. "I'll let him know."
With that, she emptied the bin into the skip, turned around and walked away. Geoff stood where he was for several seconds, following her with his eyes. Myra didn't look back.
---
12 minutes later, Ray stood in the doorway leading from the Kitchen into the garden and checked his watch. Behind him, Myra watched him suspiciously, he looked as if he was thinking hard about something. She felt sure Ray was hiding something from her, but what could it be?
Then Ray turned to face her.
"It's nearly time for me to go. Now Myra lovey, I need you to do something VERY important for me while I'm gone. I know I can trust you."
Myra's eyes widened in suspense. "Yes, what is it?"
"You are to be in charge of preparing the vanilla custard. You must follow my recipe to the exact details, and stir it regularly. Pay the custard your full attention and make sure it doesn't burn."
Myra sighed. "Yes Ray, you CAN trust me to look after your custard. Anyway, are you sure you should be doing this? It's still bloody hot out there, you might get dizzy again."
Ray smiled. "It's less hot than it was at lunchtime, and I'm better hydrated now. I'll find a spot in the shade. Now please stop worrying about me and think of the custard, OK?"
"I will, but... Ray, about Geoff-"
Ray raised his eyebrows. "Myra petal, why do you keep asking me questions about Geoff? I thought you knew him well. Did he do something to upset you?"
Myra looked awkward. "Well no, but I... well... Look Ray, I'm not saying he's a bad guy, I just feel a bit uneasy around him sometimes. There's a lot of things we don't know about him."
Ray leaned in the doorway, looking out into the garden, and spoke in a low, mysterious voice.
"There's a lot of things you don't know about me either, sweetie." He paused. "Some of them might shock you."
Myra wasn't entirely sure Ray was joking (she could only see the back of his head) but she tried to laugh anyway.
"Ha ha... very funny. Alright, off you go, I'm sure you know what you're doing."
---
When Ray arrived at the skip, Geoff wasn't there yet. Ray had purposely turned up a little early, as he was aware that Geoff, unlike him, wasn't allowed to wear a watch, and could only estimate how long 15 minutes would take. Ray felt sure he'd made the right decision coming out here, but now he felt slightly nervous. He wasn't sure what do with himself while he waited. His body felt a little tired and heavy, so he decided to stretch out his limbs a little. He felt a twinge of pain in his shoulder as he stretched his arms behind his back, and realised he must have some bruising there. He wondered how he'd explain it to Vladi later...
"Ray?"
Ray quickly turned around. Geoff was behind him.
"Hi." Ray smiled shyly.
"How are you feeling now, mate?"
"Much better, thank you. I'm very grateful you came to help me when you did."
Geoff sighed. "Really, I should have got there sooner. He'd already gone too far. You shouldn't have to take that kind of abuse. Anyway, I've dealt with the kid and you don't have to worry about him hassling you again." He smiled reassuringly.
"To be honest...you surprised me," Ray told him. "I wasn't expecting someone like you- a man from your generation, I mean- to have much sympathy for people like me. At first I just assumed you only wanted to stop the boy from getting himself into trouble. But then you said the things you said, and you were kind to me... I didn't expect you to be so nice."
Geoff looked slightly embarrassed, and averted his gaze.
"I think I surprised myself a bit, too. 15 years ago, I was just as bad as Matt, if not worse. I didn't bash gay people, but I had a lot of prejudices. I didn't know how to treat women, either. You wouldn't have liked me back then."
Ray creased his brows. "But... you're so different now. What made you change?"
Geoff thought for a moment before replying.
"Well, I didn't change overnight, and I wasn't conscious I was changing at all. But after I'd spent a few years inside, and seen the way some of the other guys carried on, I noticed I was seeing things differently. Maybe it forced me to grow up. I don't know if you'll understand what I mean when I say this, but..." he sighed. "A lot of men, especially young men, go through life trying to prove to themselves that they're 'real men', whatever that is. For some men, it's about bashing up guys who they think are less masculine. For me, it was about getting my own way all the time and not respecting other people's feelings. If I had a disagreement with someone, I'd blame everything on them. I didn't want other people thinking I was soft. But really, all that time I thought I was being tough, I was a weak man underneath, because I was too scared to take a good at myself and face my insecurities. I didn't have the courage to take responsibility and admit when I was wrong. I only realised that when I was locked up with a load of other morons who were behaving the same way as me. Watching them was like looking in a mirror, and it was bloody ugly. And as for the poof-bashers... they made me sick. They were the most cowardly bastards of the lot. So when I became Top Dog at Woodridge, I didn't tolerate it."
"Whuuuf..." Ray exhaled. "Well, all I can say is, I'm glad you changed.... and that you tried to stop other people getting hurt."
"Well, these days I feel a lot better about myself than I did back then, " Geoff said. "I only wish I'd woken up earlier, instead of wasting the best years of my life acting like an arse."
Ray was unsure what to say in reply. Then Geoff took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes.
"You know, I have a lot of respect for you, and others like you... it can't be easy being..." Geoff blushed. "...Well, being so obvious about what you are, knowing how many people have a problem with you being that way. I reckon that takes guts. If I'd been born that way, I don't think I'd have the balls to be 'out' like you," he laughed.
Now Ray laughed too. Geoff's confession had suddenly made him feel a lot more relaxed.
"Well, I haven't always been 'out', you know. I pretended I was straight until I was 22, and maybe I would have carried on pretending even longer, if I hadn't been found out. It's a long story, and I don't want to go into it now, but my father hit the roof, and it ended with me coming all the way here."
"Bloody hell, must have been hard for you, mate. But I guess things are better now you're here?"
"Yes... I live with my boyfriend, and I'm quite happy here. But I miss my brother-"
Ray stopped, surprised at how easily he'd let those last four words slip out. He felt a hot feeling behind his eyes, and he swallowed hard.
"I...I'm sorry. I can't talk about this now. I'll get emotional, and besides, you should get back to work, you might get in trouble."
Geoff smiled and patted Ray on the back.
"It's OK... sorry son, I didn't mean to upset you. I was just being nosy, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. It's just that it's not every day I meet someone who's lived on the other side of the wall, y'know?"
Ray sighed. "I guess so."
Sensing Ray's discomfort, Geoff quickly changed the subject.
"There was something else I wanted to talk to you about, actually... I take it you and Myra get along quite well?"
"Yes, we do, I get on well with just about all the girls. Why?" Ray asked.
"Well... I can't seem to communicate very well with her. I guess I've done something to annoy her, but I can't think what it is. I've always tried to be friendly with her. Do you have any idea why she acts like that?" Geoff raised his eyebrows, hoping that Ray might be able to give him some clues.
Ray pouted, trying to think quickly, oooh, now this was a tricky situation! He thought about everything Myra had said to him. He cared about her deeply and didn't want to betray her by saying too much, but on the other hand, Geoff seemed like a genuinely nice person, and surely he didn't have bad intentions...
"Well," he said at last, "Myra is a very nice person once you get to know her. I like her a lot. But I know she can seem a bit bossy and grumpy when you first meet her. But that's only because she's Top Dog and is always worrying about what the other girls are doing."
Geoff took a step closer to Ray and gazed into his face for a few seconds before he spoke again.
"Ray...perhaps you've guessed this by now, but I like Myra a lot, too. And I swear I would never do anything to hurt her. I just wish I could get through to her. Maybe there's no chance she'll ever be interested in me, but even if that's the case, I'd still be happy to get along better with her, even if it's just as a friend."
Ray sighed and bit his lip. "Myra told me that she finds it hard to trust men. I don't want to break a confidence by telling you everything she told me, but I can tell you that her last husband was a very bad man. And I think that's why Myra is scared to trust you. I don't think she hates you, so don't think that... she just doesn't feel very relaxed with you."
Geoff looked deep in thought, and nodded slowly.
"Scared..." he murmured to himself.
"If I were you, I'd break the ice by opening up to her, telling her something about yourself so that she knows you trust her. And then maybe she'll find it easier to trust you," Ray smiled. "If it's not meant to be, it won't happen. But if there are sparks between you and Myra, nature will eventually take it's course, I'm sure."
"Well old son, that's good advice," Geoff smiled back. "Thanks for that. I'd better get back to work now, but I hope we can talk again sometime, you're a nice guy."
"My pleasure. Goodbye."
Ray shook Geoff's hand, then turned and walked back through the prison grounds, his smile widening on his lips. Everything made sense to him now! Myra's odd attitude, and all her anxious questions about Geoff! Suddenly Ray felt like bursting out laughing. Honestly, considering heterosexual people were supposed to be the 'normal', 'natural' ones, they found it very difficult to communicate with each other, and really knew how to make things more complicated for themselves!
Well, he hoped it would work out for those two. From what he'd learned about Geoff today, Ray reckoned he and Myra were a good match for each other. And it amused and excited him that by pure chance, he had ended up playing the matchmaker! And maybe Geoff and Myra might end up getting married, just like Yuri and Lena had done!
Ray's imagination was beginning to get carried away again and he knew it, but this time he didn't care. Well, it wasn't impossible, there had been weddings in Wentworth in the past! He could just see it now. Myra grinning and laughing as she twirled around in a beautiful white dress and tossed the bouquet, Pixie racing to catch it, and of course he would make the wedding cake! And little Sam Greenway could help him with the decorative icing. It would be so LOVELY! And in the prison garden there would be an orchestra playing happy bouncy music, and everyone would dance! Hmm, maybe that was going a bit far, maybe a live orchestra wouldn't be permitted, but in that case he'd bring in a cassette player, he had several tapes full of happy bouncy songs. Matt and Frank and Mr Murphy and Miss Freak would NOT be on the guest list, and if they did try to spoil things, he could always spike their food with laxatives. That would keep them busy while everyone else enjoyed the celebrations!
Ray loved weddings. Prior to coming to Wentworth, he had catered for many wedding receptions, and even though the couples were complete strangers, it always gave Ray a warm feeling to watch them. Ray wished he and Vladi could get married, but since that wasn't allowed, sharing in the joy of other people's weddings was the next best thing. And he had fond memories of Yuri and Lena's wedding, because it had been the last time he'd seen his mother looking really, really happy. Raya was already very ill by then, but it hadn't stopped her from finding the strength to dance, and her smile was radiant. Even Sergei's presence couldn't put a dampener on things that day!
---
Ray was grinning as he returned to the Kitchen. Myra was stirring the custard, and immediately looked up as he entered.
"Well, what did you two talk about?" she asked impatiently.
"Oh, Geoff just wanted some advice about growing vegetables, what colour the pumpkins should be when they're ripe enough to pick, those kind of things," Ray replied casually, tucking a stray tuft of hair back under his hat with one finger.
Myra did not look convinced. "Then what are you looking so happy about? Come on Ray, spit it out!"
Ray stared at her. "I NEVER spit in my kitchen, and I hope you don't either! What a DISGUSTING-"
Myra threw up her hands in exasperation.
"I mean, just tell me the truth!"
"Honestly petal, the reason I was smiling just then was because I was thinking about my plans for a friend's wedding. Cross my heart!" Ray beamed at her. "Anyway lovey, how's the custard coming along?"
THE END